Young Writers Society - The Locket by Grace

News:

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!

Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers

by thevoiceinside in Dramatic Poetry


	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on July 3, 2008

The Locket by Grace

Topic ID: 32538

View previous topic :: View next topic

Do you like written accents?

I hate them

[ 0 ]

They're OK

66%

[ 2 ]

Love them!

33%

[ 1 ]

Total Votes : 3

Author

Message

BenedictionofGrace
Novice

Gender:

Age: 18
Joined: 02 Jul 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 1
Country: USA
300 Points

Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: The Locket by Grace

Prologue Children and mothers never truly part - Bound in the beating of each other's heart. - Charlotte Gray The silhouette of a young woman could be seen under the dim light of the lampposts that lined the left side of the sidewalk. Her head was bent low as she looked into the delicate face of a little baby girl. Tears streamed down her face as she kissed the thin cheek of her baby girl. “I love ye so.” She whispered, a slight Irish brogue still noticeable in her voice. The baby squirmed and let out a pitiful whimper. It broke the young woman’s heart. “Me sweet little girl.” Standing up tall, the woman proceeded, traveling north on Elm Street, headed for one of the various orphanages in New York City. The young woman shivered against a cold gust of wind that swept down into the city, swirling the down coming snowflakes in the air. She tried her hardest to shelter her baby from the winds, knowing that the thin rags she had painstakingly wrapped about the frail baby were not enough to keep the bitter winter winds out. A single light glowed warmly in one of the windows on the lower floor of the orphanage, the light cast long shadows on the walls within. The orphanage was three stories high, with a small covered porch and a wood shed to the south side of the large building. A few of the shutters on the windows hung crooked, and the floor boards of the porch creaked, even under the slight weight of the young woman as she stood in front of the orphanage door, her heart reached out to her frail baby girl. “Aye, *mamaí loves ye…“ She paused, her tears flowing steadily down her cheeks. “I will never forget me little girl. “ She kissed the thin cheeks again, and then placing the baby in front of the door, the young woman pinned a note to the blankets that were wrapped around the small body of her daughter. Though I hate partin’ with me darlin’ baby necessity compels me to do so. I be leavin’ her with ye, trustin’ thet ye will find her a good home. I’m leavening with her part of a locket, please make sure the locket stays with her always…though I canna stay with me daughter, a part of me will be with her always. Take care of me dear baby girl, Bonnie Mae Watts. She gave the door two good urgent raps and hurried away before she could change her mind. She did what she thought was best, she couldn’t be selfish…besides, there were plenty of families wanting to adopt babies…weren’t there? The young woman fell to the ground, out of sight of the orphanage, her heart beating rapidly as tears flowed down her cheeks. Why did Aaron have to leave her and the baby? She was starting to doubt his sincerity of just wanting to go west to start a better life for them…he had left almost a year ago, promising to write her, but never once did she receive a letter from her young husband. The reality of it all brought her here on this cold winter night, to leave her little girl on the porch of the orphanage, putting her beloved baby’s life in the hands of strangers. The words of her mum came flooding back to her, “Ta love someone means ta make sacrifices, hard as they may be.” They were her mum’s last words to her as she boarded a ship with her new husband two years ago. The tears fell as she wished now for the loving advice her mum had always given so freely, but her mum and all the rest of her family were back in Ireland, where she should be too…she thought now. Why hadn’t she listened to the warning her daid and mum gave her when she announced she had fallen in love with the young American? If she had been smart she would still be in Ireland, instead she had been a young woman in love, “Love is blind”, oh were those words ever so true! The young woman shook her head, she couldn’t dwell on the past, all had been done, and there was no turning back. She was alone in America now, not having enough money to return home, let alone enough to eat or sleep. She would pray without ceasing for her little girl’s life.
_________________ 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. Being a true Christian is not being religious, but having a relationship with your Heavenly Father.

Luvzi12
Writer

Gender:

Age: 20
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 60
Reviews: 24

300 Points

Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject:

In answer to your poll (I answered 'they're OK'), I think that if only one character has an accent then it can be tolerated, or it has to be done in the right way, usually for comic effect or to illustrate class. The two main authors, that I can think of, who demonstrate a good use of accents are Charles Dickens and Brian Jacques. Both use accents comically, and to demonstrate either class, or in Jacques case, species of animal.

An example of a good use of accent on this site is this piece of romantic fiction by ana_is_a_banana: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic32353.html
It needs a little work as a piece, but it is a pleasant story and uses accents well in the character of Albert (Alby). Definitely worth a read!

Anyway, now to your piece.

Quote:

as she looked into the delicate face of a little baby girl. Tears streamed down her face as she kissed the thin cheek of her baby girl.

The phrase 'baby girl' is repeated, I think you should change one of them.

Quote:

a slight Irish brogue still noticeable in her voice.

I liked this phrase!

Quote:

traveling north on Elm Street, headed for one

Am not sure about the verb agreement here, you've said traveling and headed, which is the past and present sort of mingled, but I could be mistaken. It just sounds muddled to me.

Quote:

keep the bitter winter winds out.

I would change this to 'keep out the bitter winds'. I just think it sounds better Smile

Quote:

A single light glowed warmly in one of the windows on the lower floor of the orphanage, the light cast long shadows on the walls within.

I don't think you need to repeat the word 'light', you could just put '..the orphanage, casting long shadows on the walls within.'

Also, just a small thing, but I think you could give the orphanage a name. You could make it really nasty, or creepy. Be a bit Dickensian here and have the name bring out the character of the place. It will replace your repetitive use of the phrase 'the orphanage'.

Quote:

her heart reached out to her frail baby girl.

reaching?

Quote:

“Aye, *mamaí loves ye…“

Is the * a typo? I can't see why it would be there.

Quote:

blankets that were wrapped

Remove 'that were', I don't think it's needed.

Quote:

Though I hate partin’ with me darlin’ baby necessity compels me to do so. I be leavin’ her with ye, trustin’ thet ye will find her a good home. I’m leavening with her part of a locket, please make sure the locket stays with her always…though I canna stay with me daughter, a part of me will be with her always.

Take care of me dear baby girl, Bonnie Mae Watts.

The letter should be written more clearly to demonstrate to the reader that it is a letter, as I didn't realise at first. For example, put it in italics. Also, if it's a letter, I don't think she would write like she talks, if she does then there would be a lot of spelling mistakes, like "Tho I hate parrtin wiff me darlin babee nessessity compels me to do so." I mean, she is either not that bright and would write simply with mistakes, or she would use the sophisticated language you have written e.g. 'necessity compels', and write properly, as just because you have an accent, doesn't mean you write with one!.

Also, the cliche of a locket? Have you seen Annie?

Quote:

selfish…besides

I don't think the ellipses are needed. A full stop will work and give the same effect.

Quote:

babies…weren’t

this ellipses is fine Smile

Quote:

The young woman fell to the ground, out of sight of the orphanage,

I think you should swap this sentence: 'Out of sight of the orphanage, the young woman fell to the ground.'

Quote:

She was starting to doubt his sincerity of just

wanting to go west to start a better life for them

I think this should be 'doubt his sincerity in just wanting', or 'doubt his sincerity in wanting.'

Quote:

but never once did she receive a letter from her young husband.

It's just a typo I think, but it should be 'not once' or 'never'.

Quote:

The words of her mum came flooding back to her, “Ta love someone means ta make sacrifices, hard as they may be.” They were her mum’s last words to her as she boarded a ship with her new husband two years ago.

The repetition of 'the words of her mum' and 'her mum's last words' is a bit much, I'd just choose one of them.

Quote:

where she should be too…she thought now.

Once again, the ellipses aren't needed here.

Quote:

her daid and mum

Typo on 'dad' here?

Also, personally, am not too keen on the last line. 'Pray without ceasing' just seems like a strange choice of phrase that doesn't really work.

Overall, despite being a bit cliched with the locket, the idea of the abandoned Irish woman in America is a good idea that is steeped in truth. I thought you were going to concentrate on the baby for a while with the setup, so I'm glad you concentrated on the woman. It's quite a nice story, but needs a little work!

One final note, the dialect that you seem to be describing seems like a Northern English accent, rather than an Irish accent. For example, the word 'ta' instead of 'to' isn't very Irish. I'm from Irish descent myself and my close friends are Irish so I hear the accent quite frequently and know that the Irish accent actually extends it's 'to's. An example of a written Irish accent would probably be something like,
English: "In Ireland we walk to the shops."
Irish: "Een Eireland we wark tooo the shops."
This isn't a very good example, but it's very hard to write the Irish accent, because it's not like accents that you can write easily, such as Northern English.

BenedictionofGrace
Novice

Gender:

Age: 18
Joined: 02 Jul 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 1
Country: USA
300 Points

Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject:

Thank you so very much for all the help! I didn't realize how much more work it needed. Um, the locket I know is from Annie, but for my story to work it must be there. I hate to give out a spoiler, but I have no choice. This story, the prologue is centered on the mother, but when the story starts it will be several years later when the baby is grown and living with a German family that she was adopted by. Never being told she was adopted, both her (adopted) parents die. She is then put on an orphan train. There will be a little more to it, but when she gets to a little town in the west she meets her mother, and the locket is what ties her to her mother. I got the help for an Irish brogue off "Yahoo Answers", maybe not the best place, but I couldn't' find anything else about it, I would really love some help on it though. Oh, and "Daid" wasn't a typo, but through research what I found as the Irish name for dad, pronounced dayd. Is it incorrect? And the * was an accident. The "Pray without ceasing", I will keep though, because this story is a story of faith. The mother will pray for her daughter's safety non stop, without ceasing. About the letter, thank you very much for the advice, as well as all the other help:) In Christ, Grace
_________________ 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. Being a true Christian is not being religious, but having a relationship with your Heavenly Father.

Luvzi12
Writer

Gender:

Age: 20
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 60
Reviews: 24

300 Points

Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 12:24 am Post subject:

I agree that you should keep the line about praying, but it's the 'without ceasing' part that bothers me. Maybe change it to: 'she would pray without rest', or: 'forever she would pray', or: 'All she had were her prayers for the little girl she was forced to leave behind.' I like the last one best, but you choose, or think of something yourself, or keep the original! It's your piece, after all hehe! Also, I pretty much guessed your ending! But it's just the use of a locket, why not have a charm bracelet? Or mention that she has an interesting and unique birth mark that the mother has too? Or something like a Claddagh ring? (A popular Irish ring, one of which i have on my finger right now!) Do some research, here is a site that might help you: http://www.irishcharm.com/ You could also check out this site to find some more unique Irish sayings/superstitions that will give your story some sparkle: http://www.the-irish-path.com/irish-superstitions.html Research is key with historical fiction, so make sure you know what you're talking about! So far though you seem to have done well though, so don't worry! I'd never heard of that 'Daid' thing, but perhaps my Mum or Dad have, as their parents are both Irish (my Dad&Mum were actually both brought up in Birmingham tho, so they don't have Irish accents or anything.) Sorry i can't be more help with writing the dialect. Perhaps you could research (yep! Story writing is practically homework sometimes!) about phonetics, and the phonetic alphabet? Here's a site that describes a lot about dialect. It's a little simple, but informative: http://www.buzzin.net/english/dialect.htm Also, I found this quote: In Lori Wick’s Sophie’s Heart, English was the heroine’s second language. The author did a beautiful job of conveying Sophie’s accent by selectively inserting extra words and omitting others, leaving the sound of the mispronounced words to the reader’s imagination. There were no weird, distracting spellings, just a masterfully conveyed accent. ~Taken from: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/accent-and-dialect/ So, maybe you could consider loaning this book from your local library as an example? One more site of interest is this one: http://www.irishlanguage.net/irish/dialects.asp It could help you to decide exactly what part of Ireland your character is from. Check the year first tho, because Northern Ireland may not have existed back then, so the names of places may have changed. My family is from somewhere called Kenagh which is the South of Ireland if you would like to use that place as a start? Let me know how it all goes! xxx

KJ
Live your life while it lasts
Speaker of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 623
Reviews: 457
Country: USA
200 Points

Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject:

I think accent are fine when someone is speaking, but in the actual narrative I find it annoying, yes. It distracts me form the story. You have many punctuation erros and typos in this piece. Sometimes I know it's just the computer, but could you somehow fix those? Also, this is is how you're ending dialogue: "Hello." She said. When it SHOULD be: "Hello," she said. Just thought you should know. As a beginning, this isn't bad. It's not boring, which is good, but, as I said to someone else earlier today, there's nothing to grab the attention. Work on that Hope this helps some. Good luck with your writing. KJ
_________________ I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert

This thread was created on July 3, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction	All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum

This thread was created on July 3, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo

Bartemius says, Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. - Henry David Thoreau