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This thread was created on July 3, 2008

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The Prophet The Prologue

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magiclukehutch
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:24 pm Post subject: The Prophet The Prologue

I posted this on another post on YWS. It may not seem much but I'm not giving much away at the moment. I will be posting more soon. Prologue A small baby boy lay in a yellow Moses Basket, covered with a furry blue blanket over him to keep him warm. His face was chubby and cute, and seemed to give out nothing but love and happiness. The little boy was wearing a white sleepsuit and his little fragile hands were covered with a pair of mittens, so he wouldn't scratch himself. His tiny tummy rose up and down as he breathed slowly. The room was lovely and cosy. The walls were baby blue with a Winnie-the-Pooh border. There was a large, wooden wardrobe with all the baby's clothes in it and a wooden hamper for all the baby's toys to go in. There was a single bed with blue bed sheets on the duvet where he would one day sleep. Beautiful yellow sunlight shined through the window. Then something woke him up. No one had come through the door. Nothing had come through the window because the window was shut. No one had tapped on the window because the bedroom was on the second floor. But something had woken the baby up. A tall shadow covered the tiny human being. The baby started to coo and smile. Two wrinkled old hands reached out and lifted the excited little boy. The hands belonged to a tall old man in long white robes. He had a bald head with only small white hair at both sides of his head. The old man had two sparkling brilliant blue eyes. It was impossible to describe how wonderful his eyes were. The old man cradled the baby in his arms, smiling at him. The baby had the exact same type of eyes as the old man. "The day will come where you will stand in the way of all evil," he spoke in a voice that changed the tiny baby's life forever. The old man stood up, still smiling, and put the boy down back in his Moses Basket and put the blue blanket back over the baby. "Goodbye, Jack Muldoon." Then a second later the man disappeared and the baby was fast asleep. It was as if none of this had ever happened. (C) Copyright Luke H. 2007-2008 All Rights Reserved
_________________ Always happy to help! Last edited by magiclukehutch on Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:02 am; edited 5 times in total

moon14
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:04 pm Post subject:

hrmmm.... well your description of the room is perfect. but... more description on the baby is needed and maybe using he rather than the old man while talking about him. all in all, i liked it actualy i can't wait to read more
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Lydia
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:06 pm Post subject: Re: Edited Prologue of an idea

magiclukehutch wrote:

A small baby boy lay in a yellow Moses Basket, with a furry baby blue blanket over him to keep him warm.

I don't think that you actually need the 'with'.

magiclukehutch wrote:

The hands belonged to a tall old man in long white robes. He had a bald head with only small white hair at the side.

Only white hair on one side?

magiclukehutch wrote:

The old man then cradled the baby in his arms and smiled then looked at him.

I think this needs to be reworded to something like 'The old man cradled the baby in his arms, smiling at him.'

magiclukehutch wrote:

Then he spoke in a voice that changed the tiny baby's life forever.
"You will be the only hope left for everything to survive."

Okay, I think this needs to be the part where he is speaking first and then the part where he's not. So it will be like
"You will be the only hope left for everything to survive," he spoke in a voice that changed the tiny baby's life forever.
Or something along those lines.

I noticed that you use 'then' quite frequently. I think that using 'then' too much in your story will ruin it. There are other ways to write without using the word 'then'. I try to barely ever use it.
Other than that I found a few other things that could use a bit of polishing.

But overall it was really good. I agree with moon, you do need to describe the baby more. You described the room beautifully, along with the old man.

All I have to say is that I can't wait for more! It was really good!

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mikedb1492
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:11 pm Post subject:

Quote:

The little boy was wearing a white sleepsuit and a pair of mittens, so he didn't scratch himself.

The word in bold should be wouldn't.

Quote:

The walls were baby blue with a Winnie-the-Pooh border.

In your story, almost everything you describe has something to do with the color blue. You may want to mix it up a little. Also, you used baby blue twice, which is bad since that stands out really well, and using it too often sounds like you've got no other words in your arsenal.

Other than that, great job. I'm hooked, and can't wait for the rest, so PM me when it's up.

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GryphonFledgling
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Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject:

Very nice. I liked the idyllic description of the baby's room. I was a little confused as to why there was a bed there when the baby is obviously still young enough to be in a crib or basket, but maybe it's for him to grow into? Anyway, I liked this so far. It is a bit sparse and short, but you did warn us that you weren't giving anything away. I look forward to more being revealed in future chapters. One thing: when you first mention the shadow falling over the boy and the hands going to pick him up, you say that the baby was excited. You use that word twice in two sentences, but only that. Maybe you could mention something like him cooing or smiling a little or bouncing or something, just so that the reader is prepared for the use of "excited". It just adds a little bit more to the story. Actually, on that note, the baby could (as moon and others say) use a bit more description. You have his clothing down pat, now what does the kid look like? I see cuteness itself, but if you were to elaborate on that image of mine (or he could be ugly - you're the author ), it would add a bit to the character, even though he's only __ months old. Babies can be interesting too! In any case, very nice work here! thumbs up ~GryphonFledgling
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clograbby
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Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 3:19 am Post subject:

Quote:

The little boy was wearing a white sleepsuit and a pair of mittens, so he didn't scratch himself

Babies scratch themselves?! He could just be wearing mittens for the cold. Then again, maybe they do, it just sounded very strange to me.

Quote:

a wooden hamper for all the babies’ toys to go in

"babies" is plural, I'm guessing you mean "baby's"

Quote:

But the old man had two sparkling blue eyes

The "but" here is pointless, unless you add some more to it, like: "But despite all the homeliness/frailty/senility the old man had two sparkling blue eyes".

Quote:

You will be the only hope left for everything to survive

This is a pretty weak sentence. It's phrased awkwardly and so stands out in a bad way - you need to rephrase this. Suggestion: "You are the only hope for all to survive this." Or something. You're the writer, your choice. Wink

I agree with what everyone said about needing to describe the baby more. Babies are fun to describe! You can have a ball with this. So many descriptive words comes to mind: "Chubby", "round", "pink", "plush", "soft", "feathery" (for the hair). Go nuts.

Overall, you got me hooked. I hope you go off into an original direction with this, because the storyline can really shoot off into any direction at this point. But you've given us three big ideas, three big questions to be answered by the rest of the story: Why the boy is special, who the robed man is, and what the thing to survive is. That's enough to draw somebody into a storyline, so good job!

Hope for more, soon.

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This thread was created on July 3, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction	All times are GMT
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