Topic ID: 32503
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lizzychicorock
Novice
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Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 2
Country: US
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:33 am Post subject: On my mind |
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Sorry if the format is wrong, i don't usually write poems 
As I start my day
I start it with you.
Do you know I'm with you?
Every second every day.
Your always on my mind
and I cant get you out.
What happened to you?
Were you there?
Will you be there?
Are you here right now?
I don't know where you were
and I don't know where you will be.
I feel you in my heart
as I open up new doors. |
Last edited by lizzychicorock on Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:30 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
Epic Novelist
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Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 3896
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Country: somewhere in America
391 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:40 am Post subject: |
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While I can definitely relate to the feelings behind the poem, I don't feel that it was expressed as well as it could have been. The expressions are vague and there's no imagery to draw the reader in. Also, I learned long ago in a review on here that rhetorical questions (which take up five lines of your poem) don't add much because they never get answered and aren't terribly interesting to the reader.
Also, please capitalize your I's and use proper spelling/punctuation throughout. This makes it so much easier for the reader to focus on the content of the poem.
On a positive note, I liked the last two lines. Perhaps you could revise the poem based on them.
Keep writing! |
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magiclukehutch
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:27 pm Post subject: |
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I must agree with Niteowl. I could see that you're trying to get the emotions of the story to go inside of your readers, but its just not getting inside me anyway. There were several grammar mistakes in this.
Good Luck!
Luke  |
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2Write4ALLways
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Joined: 23 Jun 2008
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Country: America
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: |
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| Yes, i see what your getting at. But it left me feeling a little confused. A little refinement could make this a great piece though! |
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black star of darkness
Junior Writer
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Country: UK
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this and i could see what you were getting at, but a number of things were in it that failed to draw me, the reader, in:
a) Take out rhetorical questions as they are pointless
b) Add more of a rhythm
Do these things + the grammatical errors and you will be able to convey the emotions more effectively
keep it up
Black Star |
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Dia-777
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Joined: 06 Jul 2008
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Country: USA
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:59 pm Post subject: |
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There were a couple of grammatical errors, like (i) and (can't) but, overall I could relate to the poem, and understand it.
It was pretty good ;] |
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NightmareMoon
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Country: USA
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:33 am Post subject: |
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| This is definitely interesting. I spotted a few errors, but nothing a good read-through couldn't fix. All in all a nice poem. |
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