Topic ID: 32488
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Wang Chung
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 20
Reviews: 11
Country: A galaxy far, far away.
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:58 am Post subject: Target |
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I manage to catch only a fleeting glimpse of my target before the blindfold is pulled over my eyes and I am handed my weapon. I hold the hard rod in my hands, testing its weight. Lifting it above my head, I can hear the cries and suggestions from the crowd around me.
“Go for his head!”
“No, no, no. Torso looks weaker.”
I disregard all comments and swing wildly, not caring where I land as long as I hit something. The rod whooshes through the air, and I can feel it glance my target, just enough to send it reeling. The crowd’s cheers are minimal, but enough to give me the confidence to swing again, this time aiming in the vicinity of his head.
I hear a rope jerk and my swing misses completely. I slide on loose pebbles and crash to the ground. I hear laughs from the crowd, and I can feel my face burning. Scrambling to my feet, slipping and sliding on the loose rocks, I take aim once more at my target.
However, I first brush as many pebbles from the ground as I can manage, and dig my feet deep into the packed dirt, steadying myself for my third and final swing. I can smell the stench of hunger and excitement from the crowd, almost as if it were the odor of some evil beast. Crowd, an invisible monster, tickling the edges of my murky vision, waiting for me on scarlet spider-legs. Waiting for me to either succeed or fail. Waiting with bated breath.
I swing with all my might, at a speed that I hadn’t expected possible, the surprise nearly tripping me again. I hear the rope snap again, but too late! I can feel the crunch of the rod hitting home, accompanied by a sickening tearing sound. Crowd roars, and I feel pride and joy buzz me like electricity, and I’m jostled by little boys and little girls, pushing and prying their way towards the mutilated piñata. I can smell the candy from here. |
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Last edited by Wang Chung on Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:02 pm; edited 7 times in total |
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Lydia
Junior Writer
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Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 36
Reviews: 8
Country: U.S.A.
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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Wow. I really liked it! I liked the way you described things, the way it was worded, the way it was layed out...It was excellent! This piece was really good! I didn't find any errors. It was a really nice short piece...unless if it was the start of a longer story.
You're a really good writer. Keep writing!
And welcome to YWS! Hope you enjoy it here!!
Lydia |
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Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
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392 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
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Ahoy Wang Chung! Welcome to YWS. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
First, before I say anything else, you must do at least 2 critiques for every 1 piece you post. This means you’re down 4 critiques. Keep in mind that critiques will only be counted if they are a minimum of 250 characters long (approximately 40-50 words). This is to ensure everyone gets a quality critique.
While we’re on the subject, check out the YWS Rules!
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| I hold the cold piece of steel in my hands, testing its weight against my strength. |
As opposed to testing its weight against someone else’s strength? Cut the fat – you don’t need “against my strength.”
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| Lifting the rod above my head, I can hear the cries and suggestions from the crowd around me: |
Describing the weapon as a “rod” here changes my mental image from a gun to a… well, to a rod. Is that what you’re going for? Also, can we get a bit more description about the crowd? How many strong are they? How close are they? Etc. etc.
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| I hear a rope jerk, sliding vigorously through some loop affixed above, and my swing misses completely. |
Get rid of “vigorously” in this sentence. It’s unnecessary baggage.
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| I slide on the loose pebbles on the ground and crash to the floor. |
Pretty common mistake here. Floors are indoors. Grounds are outside. So a better phrase would be “I slide on the loose pebbles and crash to the ground.”
| Quote: |
| However, I first brush as many pebbles from the ground as I can manage, and dig my feet deep into the packed dirt, steadying myself for my third and final swing. I can smell the stench of hunger and excitement from the crowd, almost as if it were the odor of some evil beast. Crowd, an invisible monster, tickling the edges of my vision, waiting for me on scarlet spider-legs. Waiting for me to either succeed or fail. Waiting in bated breath. |
Good description here. Appeals to the important senses – feel, smell, sight. Although… isn’t your character blindfolded?
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| I hear the rope snap again, but too late! |
Bleh. I feel that exclamation points are pretty amateurish.
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| Crowd roared, and I feel pride and joy buzz me like electricity, and I’m jostled by little boys and little girls, pushing and prying their way towards the mutilated piñata. |
You switch tenses here – it should be “The crowd roars.”
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| I can smell the candy from here. |
Make this its own paragraph, for effect.
Haha, cute flash fic. Starts off by making one think it’s some kind of gladiator match and then it’s sweet and innocent party games. Very nice.
My two main complaints are one, aren’t piñatas usually hit with a wooden stick, instead of a metal one? It’s slightly safer when you’re swinging blindfolded around small children. The second complaint is a lack of sensory description early on – you did fabulously with that towards the end, but seeing more of it at the beginning would be beneficial.
Anyway! Adorable story. Good work.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
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ChurlishLassy
Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Apr 2007
Posts: 91
Reviews: 38
Country: Ethiopia
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:45 am Post subject: |
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I'm impressed, at first I thought might be pinata, but then I disregarded it as some lame maybe scifi-y thing, yet it turned out to be pinata after all! I'm impressed, very clever... The dark underside of pin the tail on the donkey next? Please do.
Only thing that I found slightly off was, "Crowd, an invisible monster," I realize you probibly meant it to be Crowd instead of The crowd, or A crowd, I would have gone with A Crowd, myself, and would have capitalized crowd on purpose. |
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sofi
Senior Writer
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Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 130
Reviews: 39
Country: England and also UAE
545 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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I thought this was fantastic. I loved your descriptions like (i dont know how to make it a quote):
'I hear laughs from the crowd, and I can feel my face burning. Scrambling to my feet, slipping and sliding on the loose rocks, I take aim once more at my target.'
This one especially it was very short and simple but it was enough to give me a really good feeling of the situation and gave me a clear picture of what was going on.
I also loved the contrast of the actual object and its purpose and then how you described it. It was very effective and gave the ending a lot of emphasis
well done  |
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Jstlkuimgnd
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Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 4
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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It was good. The idea is really interesting, making something strange, childish, and ridiculous seem dramatic, dangerous. You could have taken it further with more descriptions, and further development of the idea of the crowd being "an invisible monster." That, if you explored it more, could be its own paragraph and would, again, make the comparison of battling a pinata and battling something a little more sinister that much stronger. Again, really good concept, very well done, especially for its length. Would enjoy reading an expanded version, with further descriptions and details.
Also, you can combine the third and fourth paragraphs. |
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tosh
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Joined: 10 May 2008
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Reviews: 5
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:25 am Post subject: Re: Untitled |
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Awwww, that's so cute! I love that idea. Couple small points:
| Wang Chung wrote: |
| I manage to catch only a fleeting glimpse of my target before the blindfold is pulled over my eyes and I am handed my weapon. |
Yes, plunge the reader into the action and all, but I feel like you chopped off the beginning and handed me the climax on a platter, you know what I mean? You can start at the same point in the story - maybe with the protag blindfolded and sweating about the target, then getting his weapon - but make it feel a little more complete. I hope you understand, because I don't think I'm making much sense =S
| Wang Chung wrote: |
| However, I first brush as many pebbles from the ground as I can manage, |
This part tripped me up a little. Does he brush the pebbles with his foot? Because he already took aim with his arms, right? Maybe clarify this.
| Wang Chung wrote: |
| Crowd, an invisible monster, tickling the edges of my murky vision, waiting for me on scarlet spider-legs. Waiting for me to either succeed or fail. Waiting in bated breath. |
Oh man, so over the top. I love it so much. I do believe it's waiting with bated breath, though.
And I'd like a little more leadup to the pinata's sad demise - maybe just a line or two after he misses to remind us that it's still there, taunting him with its presence.
Other than that, nice job, I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! |
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chichi
Writer
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Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 57
Country: Australia
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:35 am Post subject: |
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I just love these types of stories. Unfortunately, I knew it was a piñata from the word go. You need to not drop as many hints, give the rod a name, give it more of a profile as a weapon than just a rod. Maybe describe the crowd as "ravenous beasts with special attire for the slaughter" or something like that.
For these types of stories you need to create a really serious and dangerous scenery, or else it will be too easy to guess. The worst thing you can do is give it away before the end.
Other than that, this is well written and quite enthralling! Great job! |
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