gazdemon
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 Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 8:14 pm Post subject: Sweet Memories |
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Sometimes when I think too much,
you all seem so far away,
I sit and pine, my silent mind, it starts to cry.
There are things in life we just can't change,
like when best friends go far away.
In tears I begin to pay for all the times I shared with you,
paying for all the things we do replayed in my mind a thousand times.
It's there on my screen, the old projection,
I see us, our younger reflection.
I'm in the sweet memories,
for my pain they are simple remedies,
it is thoughts of you that take me through,
it is thoughts of you I shall forever hold true.
Sometimes when I think too much,
you all seem so far away,
I sit and pine, my silent mind, it starts to cry.
I'm in the sweet memories,
for my pain they are simple remedies,
it is thoughts of you that take me through,
it is thoughts of you I shall forever hold true. |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: |
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Sometimes when I think too much,
you all seem so far away,
I sit and pine, my silent mind, it starts to cry. The first two lines are goo, but this third line is just awkward, especially the end. I think you should add in another line so it flows better.
There are things in life we just can't change,
like when best friends go far away. Very nice. Simple, clean, beautiful.
In tears I begin to pay for all the times I shared with you,
paying for all the things we do replayed in my mind a thousand times. These two lines don't work. The lengths are completely different, which makes them very awkward to sing out loud. You need to fix them up and shorten them.
It's there on my screen, the old projection,
I see us, our younger reflection. Perhaps a tad cliches, but good.
I'm in the sweet memories,
for my pain they are simple remedies,
it is thoughts of you that take me through,
it is thoughts of you I shall forever hold true. This bit is pretty good. I would change the last bit though, maybe to something a bit shorter. It doesn't sound just right yet.
Sometimes when I think too much,
you all seem so far away,
I sit and pine, my silent mind, it starts to cry.
I'm in the sweet memories,
for my pain they are simple remedies,
it is thoughts of you that take me through,
it is thoughts of you I shall forever hold true.
Is this your first song? If it is, you've done very well for your first time. Just one question, did you write this with a tune in mind? Because usually I can tell, but not with this one. Some of it seems like it has a tune, and some of it doesn't, and those are the bits I pointed out to you for revision.
Good luck! |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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gazdemon
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 27 Jun 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 7
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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| It is the first song I have posted on here, but not my first song. Thanks for the crit, but I shan't be changing the lyrics, I can sing it as a song and it works perfectly...although I have no way to record it. |
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