Topic ID: 32419
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wisemann210
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 Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject: Love's Risk |
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Love’s risk
It starts with a smile
Then grows to a kiss
Traveling miles,
To feel true bliss.
People fantasize,
Of rare true love
That never dies
That’s strongly wove.
People fantasize,
Of a far away thought
A glimmer of hope
Hoping to get caught.
Caught with hope
That this might be the one
The one that carries,
The burden of loss.
But it’s the risk,
The risk worth taking
For this might be
A love not faking. |
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Last edited by wisemann210 on Thu Aug 21, 2008 5:15 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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jMin
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: Re: Love's Risk |
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Hey nice job! This one nicely captures the optimism and uncertainty of love, and it deserves a thorough edit:
| Quote: |
It starts with a smile
Then grows to a kiss,
Traveling miles (grammatically, there is no comma here)
To feel true bliss.
People fantasize (no comma here either, but then it sounds weird without a pause ...)
Of rare true love
That never dies,
That’s strongly wove.
People fantasize (here again)
Of a far away thought,
A glimmer of hope,
Hoping to get caught.
Caught with hope (I don't think that you should repeat "caught" and "hope" so many times)
That this might be the one,
The one that carries (no comma)
The burden of loss.
But it’s the risk,
The risk worth taking,
For this might be
A love not faking. |
So those are my suggestions. Keep on writing! |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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Heya. This is my first review after a long (but enjoyable) vacation, so sorry if it's not up to my usual standard- which isn't very good to begin with, but I'm waffling. Let's begin.
For talks sake, I'm going to focus on your rhyme scheme, because it held my attention, alongside the theme for the duration of the poem. Sometimes you hit it- and sometimes you don't in this. I would have liked to see you play around with the words a bit more, to convey a sense of ease and to maintain a varied, but steady flow. For example:
| Quote: |
Of rare true love
That’s strongly wove. |
Now although 'love' coupled with 'wove' is visually sound, it is not aurally sound. What I mean by this is that they don't rhyme when I read them aloud, and therefore as a reader I loose faith in the poetic voice. You flounder somewhat in this stanza. I would suggest trying not to worry so much about this and instead experimenting with near rhymes. These, in my opinion, are the new rhyme. I was hoping even to see you rhyme 'risk' with 'kiss'. That would have been awesome.
As for the theme, I liked it. I didn't, ironically 'love' it, but it was a well worn subject and I think you handled it well. There was good repetition in this. I'd love to read some more. Keep it up!
Eimear |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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It starts with a smile
Then grows to a kiss
Traveling miles,
To feel true bliss.
People fantasize,
Of rare true love
That never dies
That’s strongly wove.
People fantasize,
Of a far away thought
A glimmer of hope
Hoping to get caught.
[Here it begins to get a little confusing. Caught with hope?]
Caught with hope
That this might be the one
The one that carries,
The burden of loss.
But it’s the risk,
The risk worth taking
For this might be
A love not faking.
===
I have no complaints here that were major.
A lovely poem that strikes great emotions.
Your word choice was good, everything else was good.
I really truely enjoyed it, not much more to say. I don't wanna be picky or anything because it was fine.
Nice writing. Keep it up.
~tennis |
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Princess
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: You Rock! |
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Wow! you have some skill!  the only think i can say is that you said people fantisize in the begining of two verses. other then that, you rock!
XOXOXOXOXO
Emma |
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wewinwelose
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: |
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i really like this....but i do have a few comments.
first love and wove don't rhyme and second the ending could be a little better try something other than faking if you can find something else that rhymes other than that it's perfect |
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jMin
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 3:52 am Post subject: |
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| wewinwelose wrote: |
| love and wove don't rhyme |
It's a visual rhyme. Shakespeare used it. It does the same job as a regular rhyme. |
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