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Writersdomain
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 Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 7:42 pm Post subject: the ripples in the water are not gentle anymore |
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The ripples in the water are not gentle anymore
I watch heavy glass fall into
Shades of translucent blue
The water waving to the departing hills
Which glide over its surface
The glistening, beautiful face
Of this drenching blue smokescreen
Laughing in my face, mocking my tears
Every glassy tear which falls
Into the scornful innocence
Of the once gentle circles
Latches onto my neck and pulls me closer to itself
Until I cannot leave this sight of hopelessness
Until I fall in
the ripples in the water are not gentle anymore
(crit please. also, the first line is not the title. It is the first line of the poem  ) |
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Last edited by Writersdomain on Mon Jun 13, 2005 1:43 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Rei
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| Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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This is really very beautiful. The metephore of ripples on water is very powerful and easy to understand.
One thing you could do to improve it is to break most of the lines into two lines. I think if you were to do that, it would flow much more smoothly, and possibly have a very subtle meter.
The last line I wasn't too fond of. The ending might be more powerful if you ended it the way you began. |
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Writersdomain
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 12:55 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you soo much for the suggestion Reichieru. I'll break them up right now |
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"For I shall make thy screams a song
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Thy tears a shield of glass."
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Liz
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:37 am Post subject: |
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I like it. Only problem for me was the "I tell you" in the last line. Either take it out or change it to something else. It just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. Apart from that, it was good. I especially loved "drenching blue smokescreen".
Good stuff. |
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Misty
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 6:13 pm Post subject: :D |
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I like this. It's really interesting and it gives you a strong picture...I like the metaphor of glassy tears. the bell just rang I'll crit this as soon as I get home  it's beautiful |
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Misty
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:22 pm Post subject: hey |
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First thing- I'm a coastal native american, Shoalwater Bay. Our reservation is on the coast of Washington State. So you know I was totally feeling this poem from the first line. Here's my crit (or really, comments, because I like all of this too much to give any real, harsh crit)
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| The ripples in the water are not gentle anymore |
I think everyone relates to this. I love to swim in the ocean, and I know sometimes the waves are gentle and calming, but in a storm they get wild and dangerous. I love this imagery
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I watch heavy glass fall into
Shades of translucent blue
The water waving to the departing hills
Which glide over its surface
The glistening, beautiful face
Of this drenching blue smokescreen
Laughing in my face, mocking my tears
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The part about heavy glass is beautiful, as is the line after it. The imagery is lovely, almost perfect
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Every glassy tear which falls
Into the scornful innocence
Of the once gentle circles
Latches onto my neck and pulls me closer to itself
Until I cannot leave this sight of hopelessness
Until I fall in
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Oohh...so perfect. I love this. Especially the "glass tear" part, like I said. ... you're putting me into a trance with your poetry, sucking me in..that's part of why I love writing, temporary mind control...
Not sure if I like the "I tell you," in the last line. Other than that...PERFECT[/quote] |
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nickelpickle
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| Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2005 1:30 am Post subject: |
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| The ripples in the water are not gentle anymore |
Amazing beginning. Powerful, meaningful...
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I watch heavy glass fall into
Shades of translucent blue
The water waving to the departing hills
Which glide over its surface
The glistening, beautiful face
Of this drenching blue smokescreen
Laughing in my face, mocking my tears
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I loved how this almost rhymed without meaning to. I dont know if you planned that, but it was gorgeous. into, blue; surface, face
Anyway, I loved these two lines especially
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The water waving to the departing hills
Which glide over its surface |
Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. One little thing. I don't know if anyone else agrees, but in the first line here, I watch heavy glass fall into, I think that into would work better on the second line there.
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Every glassy tear which falls
Into the scornful innocence
Of the once gentle circles
Latches onto my neck and pulls me closer to itself
Until I cannot leave this sight of hopelessness
Until I fall in |
Absolutely amazing, especially the second and fourth line. You paint pictures and it is absolutely incredible.
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| I tell you, the ripples in the water are not gentle anymore |
This was the only thing I really didn't like. End like you start and get rid of the "I tell you,"
You truly are an amazing writer. This was absolutely gorgeous, I can't wait to read more of your work. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2005 2:09 am Post subject: |
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| WOW this is really beautiful... I love the first line and I like how you repeated it at the end. |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2005 2:31 am Post subject: |
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| This is 100% amazing. I loved it all the way through. You truly have great talent. |
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xMyxFinalxAriax
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| Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2005 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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| It's really pretty. I can't stop reading it, lol. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked the concept but it seemed a little wordy in some places. |
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Kilty
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| I love this peice--it has a certain haunting beauty. Haunting because of the melancholy tone, but it creates such a lovely picture in my mind. |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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| This is a beutiful poem, the idea of the ripples in the water is very beutiful. Thats how I would descrive this poem: beutiful. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Latches onto my neck and pulls me closer to itself
Until I cannot leave this sight of hopelessness
This would probably look and sound better being 3 or 4 lines. |
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Lollipop
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow! Truly amazing! I agree, it's beautiful! |
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