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This thread was created on July 1, 2008

How Strong Are You Now

Topic ID: 32409

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Rascalover
When push comes to shove
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:21 am Post subject: How Strong Are You Now

I have edited it, any better? "Bubby I'll be right back, I promise," Jay told his son after he had dropped him off in his kindergarten class. "No daddy don't leave," Jason said, as he clung to his father. "Jason quit this I have to go to work. Give me a kiss good bye," Jay replied, as Jason reluctantly kissed his father’s cheek. Jay left the little class room and headed off to Lyric Street Records. Where his cousin, Gary Vernon, and friend, Joe Don Rooney, had a contract as the musical group Rascal Flatts. As he got into his ford truck, Jay ran his fingers through his hair. The past year had been such a tough one, especially for Jason. Jay started his truck, and headed towards the studio. His life had been turned upside down, and he had begun to pick up the pieces of his life. Once at the studio Gary met Jay at the door. "Hey man what’s wrong? You look upset or something," Gary said, as Jay walked in. "Just Jason that's all." Jay walked into the recording booth. "Oh, he's still having a problem with you leaving?" Gary asked, as he followed him like a lost puppy. "Yeah I don't know what to do. He just doesn't understand. He thinks I'm going to leave him too." Jay pulled out his guitar. They got a good start on their new album when it was time for Jay to pick up Jason. Jay jumped in his truck, and left the guys at the studio. When Jay got there Jason was sitting by himself looking so pitiful. As soon as Jason saw Jay he raced into his arms. Jay picked him up, and took him out to the truck. "So why don't you play with the other kids?" Jay asked. "I don't want to. I want mommy back," Jason replied, as tears stung at his little five year old eyes. "Bubby we've been through this before she's not coming back." Jay stopped in the parking lot of the studio, and looked at his son. Jason climbed onto Jay's lap, and Jay kissed the top of his head. Jay hadn’t known what to do, because he wanted his wife back too. Late that same night Jay sat up in bed with a photo album. How could he have missed all those signs? He looked at every picture and tried to recapture that moment, and the feelings that came along with it. Jay stopped at a picture of Jay and Jason the day he was born. That day Jay's life felt complete. His wife had just bore him a beautiful son. His wife on the other hand hadn’t seemed very happy. In actuality she never really was that happy. Maybe he had imaged all those times they spent together that were happy and unforgettable. They had been married for two years, and things had begun to change. Jay had ignored the fact that Jessica, his wife, wanted out. Jay closed the photo album as tears trickled down his face. You never learn how important some thing is until it's gone. He quickly wiped the tears away as Jason walked into his room. "Daddy I can't sleep. Can I sleep with you?" Jason climbed onto the big king sized bed. "Of course Bud." Jay pulled the covers over the both of them, and dropped the photo album on the floor. Jay sat straight up at six in the morning. He knew he had forgotten something. He looked over at his phone, and panicked when he saw Gary had called twenty times. As he called Gary back Jay’s heart raced in his chest. “Gary what’s wrong?” Jay asked, when Gary picked up. “Dude it’s Saturday,” Gary said, frustrated. “What?” Jay asked, confused. “We go fishing every Saturday, remember?” Gary asked, clearly not in the mood for Jay’s stupidity. “Oh right,” Jay replied, calming down. “Can you and Jason be ready in thirty minute?” Gary asked. “Yes we can. I’ll meet you at the regular spot.” Jay hung up the phone. Jay got dressed, and tried to wake up Jason. He wasn’t a morning person, but what kid is? After ten minutes of Jay begging Jason to get up he jerked his son out of bed. When the fighting session, over getting up, ended they left the house in Jay’s truck. As they got there Gary was already out, and loading the boat they was using. Gary handed Jay a beer when they finished getting the boat ready. Out on the boat Jay and Gary shared beers and conversation when Jason started asking non-stop questions. Some of his questions were silly and not worth paying attention to, but others could silence everything. "Where's mommy?" Jay never told his son the horrific story of his mother's death. He wanted to wait until he was older. Jay had written a letter and planned to give it to Jason when he was old enough to understand what happened. For then it was best to keep his little mind on other things. Fours hours later they were back home. Gary went to his ex-wife’s house, and picked up his little girl. So the rest of the day it was just the two of them. Jay was cooking them lunch when Jason found his way in Jay's room. When he was looking for the remote control he found the letter Jay had wrote him in the stand next to Jay’s bed. He quickly ran down the stairs, after he had read it the best he could. With the letter still in his hand he ran right into Jay as he sobbed. “Buddy what’s wrong?" Jay turned the oven on low. “Mommy’s dead!” Jason screamed, through sobs as he shook the letter in Jays face. "Oh god Jason come here." Jay sat at the kitchen table, and held Jason tight in his arms. This wasn't suppose to have happened. Jason wasn't suppose to found out like that. Jay hadn’t known what to do. Jay hadn't planned for this to have happened. He wasn't suppose to have known until he had grown up. Jay had no idea how he was going to tell Jason his mother was dead. He hadn’t wanted to either. Jason shouldn't have known his mother abandoned him by death. "Jason your mommy's up in heaven with God. She died when you were only a baby," Jay tried to explain to his now sleepy son. “Daddy that’s not fair," Jason replied, as he headed to his room with his little head lowered. Jay sat there in silence, and whispered I know, I know. His wife was diagnosed with depression when Jason was only two months old. Jay felt helpless and alone. There was no way he could have stood to watch his wife suffer silently. Jason was turning one year old and had spent his first weekend at his grandmother’s house. Jay returned to his house only a few hours after he dropped Jason off. It had been all too quite. He had called out her name numerous times, but got no answer in return. He begun to worry as he franticly went through the house, and looked for her. The bathroom light was on and the shower water was running. Jay, for only a second, sighed a breath of relief as he walked into the bathroom. The sight was horrifying. Jay let out a blood curdling scream as he fell to his knees. Blood dripped off of the bathtub on to the white tile floor staining it forever. This couldn‘t of happened. They were suppose to have helped her. She was suppose to have been alive, a mother to her son and a wife to her husband! When the police came they told Jay his wife had slit her wrist and bled to death in the tub. Jay had been horrified. What if Jason would have been home? He would have heard the terrible screams coming out of her rose lips as she sliced at her pale thin arms. He couldn't stop but to think if he would have been home he could of saved her. She would still be with them. He could have got her help. She would have been alive and Jason would have had a mother. Jay thanked the officers, and went to his mothers house after they left. Alice, Jay's mom, wasn't all to shocked to have heard that her daughter-in-law had committed suicide. There had been plenty of signs. She was miserable in this life and wanted out terribly. Alice tried to comfort Jay and tell him everything was going to be ok, but Jay wouldn't hear of it. He hadn’t known what to do being a single father. Nothing would ever have been the same. Jay left Jason with his mother for about a year as he sold his house and moved into another one, a smaller one. When he took Jason back he had no idea what to do. It was like he was a stranger to his own son. Jay snapped out of his flashback, and Jason got to his room slamming the door as hard as his five years old arms had let him. Jay took the chicken out of the oven and put it back in the refrigerator. He had lost his appetite. He went to his room with the letter in his hand, and Jay started to weep. No one told him it would be so hard. No one anticipated all that happened. No one wished something so tasteless on a human being. Jay woke up late that night in great distress. His nightmare of scarlet and lace white would have scared a grown man into a never-ended fright. Her body was drained of all its color. Her damp, tangled hair draped over her shoulders and landed in the blood red water. Her one arm laid over the edge of the tub, and periodically dripped blood. Drip, drip, drip, Jay had woke up in a sweat, and clung to his sheets. What if Jason had been in the house? Jay would have never forgave himself. Jay knew she had probably screamed out in pain as she sliced her arms, and the scarlet pain drained from her veins into the tub. Jay jumped out of bed and went to the bathroom. He heaved over the toilet as nothing came up. He went over to the sink and splashed cold water along his face. Jay fell against the cold wall behind him and he began to cry. Who said grown men don’t cry? After he heard the loud thump of Jay hitting the wall Jason came into Jay's bedroom, and found him in the bathroom. Jason hadn’t known what to make of his father crying uncontrollably. So Jason climbed into Jay's lap, and took Jay's face into his hands. "Daddy don't cry." Jason wiped away tears as they were quickly replaced. Jay held his son tight to his chest. "Bubby I love you. Don't ever forget that," Jay pleaded, as he cried into Jason's hair, and kissed the top of his head. A fathers love has never been so strong. Jason fell asleep in Jay's arms so Jay carried him to the bed. He surrounded him with pillows then got into the bed himself. The next morning Jason was full of questions, and persisted that he wouldn't eat his breakfast until he got some answers. “Fine, Jason your mom she uh, well she died because she wanted to. She didn't like it here, and no it's not your fault your mother loved you. Bubby your mom was very sick.” Jay tried to get Jason to understand. "Daddy is mommy better now?" Jason asked, after minutes of silence. “Yes, Jason your mom is perfect, an angel." Jay kissed the top of his head, and Jason ran off to the kitchen. After Jay’s talk with Jason he tried to wrap his head around the idea of moving on with his life. The fact that Jason knew what happened to his mother, there wouldn't be any uneasy questions for a woman to come into the picture. Jay would always be reminded of the love he shared with his wife, their bond is a bond that will never be destroyed. Some times life just wasn't fair. As Jay walked outside with Jason to have thrown around a baseball, it was as if he looked through brand new eyes. He was surrounded by loving people, beautiful things, and soon his life would be back on track. How strong are you now Without her around You can't even keep one little bitty tear From fallin' down Tell me how strong are you know Before she left you told yourself It can't hurt that much Now you're doubled over Like you took a punch No, she ain't coming back Tell me how much can you take of that Tell me how strong are you now - yeah How strong are you now - oh, oh What's that rule you live by You say tough guys never cry But how strong are you now
Last edited by Rascalover on Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:04 am; edited 1 time in total

Sapphire
Senior Writer

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Age: 19
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Posts: 233
Reviews: 140

350 Points

Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:57 am Post subject:

Hi! I know nothing about the band so I was going through this as if it were simply a story.

I started off going through this line-by-line, but similar problems kept coming up that would take a long time to change, so I'm just going to make some general comments:

- Firstly, tenses. You switch between past and present. I've picked an example that demonstrates this. It also shows the repetition of names instead of using pronouns, which can just become too much:

Quote:

They get a good start on their new album when it's already time for Jay to pick up Jason. Jay jumps in his truck leaving the guys at the studio and goes to the school. When Jay gets there Jason is sitting by himself looking so pitiful. Once Jason saw Jay he raced in Jays arms. Jay picked him up and took him out to the truck. On the way back to the studio Jay tried to have a conversation with his son.

There are too many 'Jay's and 'Jason's, and you start with 'they get' and finish with 'Jay tried'. Here's an example of this paragraph in the past tense:

They got a good start on their new album before it was time for Jay to pick up Jason. He jumped into his truck, leaving the guys at the studio, and drove to the school. When he arrived, Jason was sitting by himself, looking pitiful. The second he saw Jay, he raced into his arms. Jay picked him up and took him out to the truck.

- Secondly, a common mistake:

Quote:

What if Jason would of been home? He would of heard the terrible screams coming out of her rose lips as she sliced at her pale thin arms. He couldn't stop but to think if he would of been home he could of saved her. She would still be with them. He could of got her help. She would of been alive and Jason would of had a mother.

Each one of these 'of's should be 'have'. It is a mistake often made because of the way contractions like would've and could've are spoken. In this paragraph, you don't even need the conditional so much:

What if Jason had been home? He would have heard the terrible screams ...
... if he had been home, he could have saved her.
He could have got her help.
She would have been alive, and Jason would have a mother.

- Third, dialogue:

Quote:

"Bubby I'll be right back, I promise." Jay told his son after he had dropped him off in his kindergarten class.

It should be a comma after 'I promise'. It would only be a full stop if it read like the following:

"Yeah I don't know what to do. He just doesn't understand. He thinks I'm going to leave him too." Jay pulled out his guitar.

You use a full stop because the dialogue is not followed by a 'he said/she said' tag, but by an action, a separate sentence. Another issue with dialogue throughout was in sentences like these:

Quote:

"No daddy don't leave." Jason said clinging to his father.

You need a comma between 'said' and 'clinging'. That goes for all instances:

"Oh, he's still having a problem with you leaving?" Gary asked, following him like a lost puppy.

- Fourth, sentence structure:

Quote:

When Jay gets there Jason is sitting by himself looking so pitiful.

Again, you need a comma between 'there' and 'Jason'. This is because if it was written on in 'normal' structure it would be:

Jason is sitting by himself looking so pitiful when Jay gets there.

You're inverting the sentence, taking the second part and placing at the beginning. You need a comma to separate them.

- Fifth, 'telling'. The piece switches between ideas very quickly because of this:

Quote:

Joe Don looks up at Jay noticing him for the first time. They get a good start on their new album when it's already time for Jay to pick up Jason.

See how the first sentence is completely unrelated to the next idea? It could probably be cut out because it doesn't seem to add to the story.

Quote:

His life had been turned upside down, and he was just now beginning to pick up the pieces of his life. Once at the studio Gary met Jay at the door.

Now the second sentence is a completely new idea, so take a new paragraph.

Remember that good old saying that editors always spout - show, don't tell.

Quote:

The next day was Saturday, and every Saturday Jay, Jason, and Gary go fishing.

How about:

Jay was rudely awakened by his alarm clock at 6am. For a second, he didn't know what day of the week it was, then he remembered. Saturday. Gary would be arriving soon.

Jay went about getting ready, still half-asleep, and had only just run a comb through his hair when the doorbell rang.

"Ready for fishing?" Gary asked, cheerily.

That's a really bad example, but you get the idea.

- Reference the lyrics at the end.

I think that's everything that I noticed. I hope I wasn't too harsh! You just need to have another proof-read and it will improve greatly.

Smile

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Lydia
Junior Writer

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Age: 14
Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 36
Reviews: 8
Country: U.S.A.
300 Points

Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: Re: How Strong Are You Now

Rascalover wrote:

"Bubby I'll be right back, I promise." Jay told his son after he had dropped him off in his kindergarten class.

"No daddy don't leave." Jason said clinging to his father. (Jason said, clinging to is father.)

"Jason quit this I have to go to work. Give me a kiss good bye." Jay replied as Jason reluctantly kissed his fathers cheek. (father's cheeck)

Jay left the little class room and headed off to Lyric Street Records where his cousin Gary Vernon,(his cousin, Gary Vernon, and...) and friend (friend, Joe Don Rooney, had..)Joe Don Rooney had a contract as the musical group Rascal Flatts. As he got into his ford truck Jay ran his fingers through his hair. The past year had been such a tough one, especially for Jason. Jay started his truck and headed towards the studio. His life had been turned upside down, and he was just now beginning to pick up the pieces of his life. Once at the studio Gary met Jay at the door.

"Hey man what’s wrong? You look upset or something." Gary said as Jay walked in.

"Just Jason that's all." Jay replied quickly as he went into the recording booth.

"Oh, he's still having a problem with you leaving?" Gary asked [/b](asked, following him) following him like a lost puppy.

"Yeah I don't know what to do. He just doesn't understand. He thinks I'm going to leave him too." Jay said[b](said, pulling out) pulling out his guitar.

Joe Don looks up at Jay[b](Jay, noticing) noticing him for the first time. They get a good start on their new album when it's already time for Jay to pick up Jason. Jay jumps in his truck(truck, leaving) leaving the guys at the studio and goes to the school. When Jay gets there Jason is sitting by himself (himself, looking) looking so pitiful. Once(As soon as instead of Once...sounds a little better) Jason saw Jay he raced in Jays arms. Jay picked him up and took him out to the truck. On the way back to the studio Jay tried to have a conversation with his son.

"So why don't you play with the other kids?" Jay asked.

"I don't want to. I want mommy back." Jason replied as tears stung at his little five year old eyes.

"Bubby we've been through this before she's not coming back." Jay said as he stopped in the parking lot of the studio and looked at his son.

Jason climbed into (onto) Jay's lap, and Jay kissed the top of his head. Jay didn’t know what to do, because frankly he wanted his wife back too.

Late that same night Jay sat up in bed with a photo album. How could he of missed all those signs? He looked at every picture and tried to recapture that moment, and the feelings that came along with it. Jay stopped at a picture of Jay and Jason the day he was born. That day Jay's life felt complete. His wife had just bore him a beautiful son, but his wife on the other hand didn't seem very happy. In actuality she never really was that happy. Maybe he had imaged all the times they spent together that were happy and unforgettable. They had been married for two years, and things had begun to change. Jay had ignored the fact that Jessica, his wife, wanted out. Jay closed the photo album as tears trickled down his face. You never learn how important some thing is until it's gone. He quickly wiped the tears away as Jason walked into his room.

"Daddy I can't sleep. Can I sleep with you?" Jason asked climbing onto the big king sized bed.

"Of course bud(Bud)." Jay replied pulling the covers over the both of them as he dropped the photo album on the floor.

The next day was Saturday, and every Saturday Jay, Jason, and Gary go fishing. Jay and Gary shared beers and conversation as Jason asked non-stop questions.

Once out on the boat Jason filled the air with questions, but one silenced them all.

"Where's mommy?"

Jay never told his son the horrific story of his mother's death. He wanted to wait until he was older. Jay had written a letter and planned to give it to Jason when he was old enough to understand what happened. For now it was best to keep his little mind on other things. Fours hours later they were back home. Gary had to go to his ex-wife’s house to pick up his little girl. So the rest of the day it was just the two of them. Jay was cooking them lunch when Jason found his way in Jay's room. While he was looking for the remote control he found the letter Jay had wrote him in the stand next to Jay‘s bed. He quickly ran down the stairs after he had read it the best he could. With the letter still in his hand he ran right into Jay sobbing.

'Buddy what’s wrong?" Jay asked turning the oven on low.

'Mommy’s dead!' Jason screamed through sobs as he shook the letter in Jays face.

"Oh god Jason come here." Jay said sitting at the kitchen table holding Jason tight in his arms.

This wasn't suppose to happen. Jason wasn't suppose to found out like this. Jay didn't know what to do. He could just lie and say it was a mistake, not his mother. Jay hadn't planned for this to happen. Jason wasn't suppose to know until he was much, much older.

Jay had no idea how to tell Jason his mother was dead. He didn’t want to either. Jason shouldn't know his mother abandoned him by death.

"Jason your mommy's up in heaven with god (God). She died when you were only a baby." Jay tried to explain to his now sleepy son.

'Daddy that’s not fair." Jason replied slowly heading to his room with his little head lowered.

Jay sat there in silence and whispered I know (comma) I know. His wife was diagnosed with depression when Jason was only two months old. Jay felt helpless and alone. He couldn’t stand to watch his wife suffer silently. Jason was turning one years (year) old soon and had spent his first week at his grandmothers(grandmother's) house. Jay returned to his house only a few hours after dropping Jason off. It was all too quite. He had called out her name numerous times, but got no answer in return. He began to worry as he franticly went through the house looking for her. The bathroom light was on and the shower water was running. Jay for only a second sighed a breath of relief as he walked into the bathroom. The sight was horrifying. Jay let out a blood curdling scream as he fell to his knees. Blood dripped off of the bathtub on to the white tile floor staining it forever. This wasn’t happening. They were suppose to help her. She was suppose to be alive, a mother to her son and a wife to her husband!

I liked it. There were only a few errors. Some things do need to be changed. I also noticed that you are using 'these' for "quotes". It's probably a typo but you should go through and fix those. Reread it so you can catch mistakes that you don't like...Or mistakes that nobody else had caught.

Overall it was really good. I think you need to describe some things more, though. The wording was really good! You worded some things really good! Some other things, though, need to be reworded. (This goes with the rereading thing...). Also I noticed, only a few times, that a name wasn't capitialized.

Good job! Can't wait for more from you! Keep writing...

Lydia

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Rascalover
When push comes to shove
Novelist

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 28
Country: Nowheresville
406 Points

Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject:

Thanks so much! i'm going through and fixing this story right now. I'm grateful for your critisms and, no it wasn't too harsh just what I needed. I always knew I had problem with going back and forth between past tense and present tense. I just don't know how to fix it.

wisemann210
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Posts: 506
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
547 Points

Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 1:28 pm Post subject:

hi rascalover, i am here by your request and i have read the whole thing. i noticed that the other two people have critiqued on you grammar and choice of words and all of that so i am going to focus on your characters, being that they are the most important things/beings of your story! Jay--- jay is one of your main characters and i feel that he is too weak, yes losing his wife and having a little boy might do that but i feel he should also mature up a little, when i say this i mean that when he hides a letter about his wife's death so when jason grows up he can actually know what happened to her i mean it is kind of immature and irresposible, plus all of those years lying to his son about what happened to his mother is wrong of a character to do, which in turn flaws your character which gives the story some conflict later on which is a good thing, so all and all with jay i think he should take more of a stand in the story and take lead, he is a main character! Jason--- jason is the little boy of the story and i feel he is a strong character, stronger than his father at times which is ok, i think that you should make jason more, more like a little kid because at times he has the m.o. of a way older person, and really that's the only problem with jason i believe, but also i think you need to explain him more, who he is, his favorite food, etc.... Gary--- this is kind of a main character and i feel that the relationship with him and jay is a good one but odd at times, which i could understand by the whole topic of things i think you should make Gary less "spazzy" because when he calls someone actually twenty times that indicates that he is a worry/ spazzy type person and nobody likes those unless they're funny which gary is not, so maybe you should add some funniness to him the dead mother/wife---------- yes, even though dead, you need to explain her more, even though she is dead, she is still a distant type character and just because shes dead dosn't mean that you can't go into detail about her which i think you should so we, as the readers can get a better understanding of how jay is feeling and so we can feel the pain also overall i liked this story and there where some rough spots in it but you can clear it up with the other critiques, i hope this helps and i'd like to read more! ---Jon---
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Rascalover
When push comes to shove
Novelist

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 28
Country: Nowheresville
406 Points

Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:14 am Post subject:

Awesome thanks very much!

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