Topic ID: 32394
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thevoiceinside
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Country: the trance of someplace only my mind can take me
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: I Am Like A Roadway |
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I am like a roadway
Going every which way
Curving, turning and
Swerving down lanes
I don't know where I'm going
Or where I'll end up next
I travel through life
For adventure and thrill
Life is worth living
Taking chances and risks
I roll down my path
Making decisions, making goals
Do right? Do left?
Which way will I turn?
I see where I started
I've seen what I've learned
I am like a roadway
And I can't stay here anymore |
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Krupp
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246 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:09 am Post subject: |
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This is a good start....
The only thing I really would've liked to see more of was imagery; in fact, that felt like it was almost completely missing from the piece. If a bit of imagery was inserted, this piece would be even better.
But that's about all I can see that needs any improvement. A decent piece. Not bad. |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:33 am Post subject: |
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First off, welcome to YWS! Just so you know, we ask that everyone does at least two reviews for every poem/story they post. Therefore, please do four reviews before posting another work.
Okay, now on to the piece. I liked how you compared yourself to a road, but I think you could take it a step further. I'd add imagery like Krupp suggested by describing what kind of road you are. Are you a highway? A dirt road? A busy city street? Are you well-traveled or pretty much dead? Are there lots of trees near you or none at all? You can use these different images to suggest a more powerful image.
Your ending left me a bit confused. You said you're like a roadway...so you can't stay here? Um, funny thing about roads is... they stay put. Ever seen a road pick up and move itself? That, plus your earlier descriptions about adventure and thrill, suggest a car going down said roadway rather than the road itself. Perhaps that would be more fitting.
Also, you could use a little more punctuation to help out the flow.
Overall, if you make the comparison stronger, this could be really good. Keep writing! |
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Rascalover
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:15 am Post subject: Re: I Am Like A Roadway |
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All in all I think this piece could be a little more... I would love to see imagery, some nice pictures being put our heads from the words that should be flowing in this poem. I liked the idea the poem was giving off, but other than that I think it should be revised a little bit.
| thevoiceinside wrote: |
| Do right? Do left? |
I also think the line above should be changed. It's a good start! keep up the good work! |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:56 am Post subject: |
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Hello and welcome to YWS!
I think this is such a good idea, and by expanding and editing it you could make this into something great. So it's definitely a good start.
The third stanza is the odd one out. It breaks the flow by being longer than the other ones.
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| Do right? Do left? |
That doesn't really make sense, you know.
I feel that this is turned out a little empty. There is no imagery, really – you just tell us that you're like a roadway. Okay, okay, we get it – what else? Just edit and expand, and you'll be more than fine.
See you around,
Demeter xx |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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I like it, and it's you use good descriptive words in some places.
I'm not sure about your rhyming. Or if this is a type of poem sort-of thing. [idk]
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I am like a roadway
Going every which way |
You rhyme right here, then for the rest of the poem it doesn't really happen. Instead of having "Going every which way" you could do something like 'All around, far and wide" I'm not really sure if that's a good one.
In that stanza you are describing all the ways you are going. Filling it in with maybe another path you take. Hmmm..I'm getting myself confused...HAHA.
Well, I hope you know what I mean.
The rest I thought was really good ...
Keep Writing!  |
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thevoiceinside
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:30 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for all of your suggestions!! I see your points. I knew it needed a lot more of something, so thanks for clarifying what
Cheers!
-thevoiceinside |
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