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andimlovegalore
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 Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 1:00 am Post subject: Saving Me |
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I remember standing at a bus stop in the sun with my
hands hidden behind my back and
confessing to you, brightness in my eyes.
I remember dragging behind, alone in my head, spinning
too unfamiliar, too separate,
your hand on my shoulder and my breathing too fast and
too unwell,
the concern in your eyes could avert the end of the world.
I remember your lips on mine and
confirmation,
your arms around me, comforting and real
another person, the perfect person,
your strength and damage is my
wonder my heart beat my breathing.
I wrote this about my boyfriend (in case that isn't obvious) and it's my first try at a love poem. I thought I'd put a short one up for my first one on this forum. |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: |
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Aw, I like this. If you are looking to work on it a bit, it might need a little tidying up. But it really is intriguing the way it is. It reminds me a little of my first love poem, but yours is much better! 
I like some of the imagery you used and I could really see your vision. Good work. |
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rubberduck
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:49 am Post subject: |
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Oh. How did I end up here? Haha.
(I don't normally go to Dramatic Poetry. Your poem must've called me here.)
Anyways...
Nice poem. (I didn't spot any mistakes, by the way.) I liked it. It's your first time writing a love poem and I have to say, you did a pretty good job.
When I read it, the scene popped up in my mind. So, you could make the reader imagine the scene. Great job!
Well then,
keep on writing!
-Max. |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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Awww...
I love it! As Max said, your imagery was excellent. I think that was the best part.
Your intro was gorgeous and I heard your voice throughout the whole poem. Bravo!
I must admit, the thing that attracted me toward this poem was the title. After all, it's the name of my favorite song. And I can't think of a better title for this.
You're getting star! 
~LIF |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for all your replies =D responses make me happy.
| Livinginfantasy wrote: |
| After all, it's the name of my favorite song. |
Ooh, that wasn't intentional =] what artist is it by? |
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Samsal
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: Re: Saving Me |
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| andimlovegalore wrote: |
your hand on my shoulder and my breathing too fast and
too unwell,
the concern in your eyes could avert the end of the world.
I remember your lips on mine and
confirmation,
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this was my favorite part of this poem. this is good for someone's first attempt at a love poem. pretty cool. |
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Maki-Chan
Atama Kata hiza ashi, hiza ashi!
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: |
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not bad, not bad at all. You have a lot more talent at writing poetry than I do. I somehow end up making poems that don't flow well. Words that don't make very much sense together like...." The dog ran, I came back from the lake." See it just doesn't make sense.
Well anywho, this was lovely. I am a sucker for lovey-dovey stuff from poetry to novels. I have to say though I liked this. It was a somewhat happy peom. Or at least to me. Sometimes I can't find the hidden meaning in stuff.
Continue the good work. |
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NavysLittleReject
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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| I love love love "love" poems. If this is your first poem of this genre, then definitely keep it up. Also, good imagery. Awesome work!!! |
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Shallowdepth
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:54 am Post subject: |
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| Even thought its simple, there's a true beauty in its simpleness =) I liked this poem a lot. For a first try at a love poem this was great ^^ keep it up. I think you'll find this genre suits you more than you think |
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andimlovegalore
I'm not a failure I swear
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:02 am Post subject: |
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| Wow thanks so much! I'm so glad you all liked it =D that makes me so happy. |
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chaplin90
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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| This poem is very nice and meaningful. I love your descriptions and the I love how you immediately set the location so we all get a good idea of the environment. Very good try, I wonder if your boyfriend liked it? I'm sure he did. All that I can really suggest is maybe format it a little more such as set it in verses, and I think it wouldn't have harmed it to make it a little longer, may describe the surroundings a little more, I know that's not the point of the poem but I might have given it a little more depth and a good excuse for your great descriptions but that about all I can say against it, very good well done. |
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andimlovegalore
I'm not a failure I swear
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Chaplin - thanks a lot =] I didn't actually show it to him (well I did, but we were both totally drunk and I don't think he remembers >.>) Thanks for your suggestions =] I always like suggestions. |
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"Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?"
"Colon Explorer?"
"You know what I'm saying."
The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw.
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Gahks
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there!
This is great. However you could help it a bit by giving it a more readable structure. E.g.:
"...your hand on my shoulder and my breathing too fast and
too unwell, ..."
An excellent idea (the repetition of 'too' works wonderfully), but 'and' is not the important word here. What IS important is 'breathing'. End at breathing and use the enjambement and the suspensive pause to pull the reader onto the next line, like this:
"...with your hand on my shoulder, I breathe
too fast and too unwell..."
That's the other thing. Try not to clutter your verse with participle phrases - they really help to give immediacy to the action, but too many bogs down the reader. Instead, use direct verbs like above.
Punctuation could do with looking at too:
"your arms around me, comforting and real;
another person, the perfect person..."
But that's easily solvable. Do learn how to use the semi-colon; it's so useful and flexible!
Great stuff! 8/10
Gahks |
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