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Treason prologue
Treason    prologue

by Aurora in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on June 29, 2008
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Element- Prolouge

Element- Chapter 1
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 3:49 am    Post subject: Element- Chapter 1 Reply with quote

The sun’s rays melted onto the field, illuminating Coden’s young face. The young man danced around the field, swinging a sword overhead. It was such a wonderful day. He was heading for the place he was raised. He had been gone for about three years. He would be in Setic before too long.

Coden sighed, and lowered the blade. He was supposed to be heading for Setic. He looked back down at his sword. He face reflected off the shining metal. He would go into the forest later. Right now, he would wash up and head for Setic.

Coden ambled over to the water hole settled beside the field. He set his sword to the side, and knelt down to drink. He sucked in several mouthfuls, then cupped his hand under the water, and splashed it onto his face. Tiny water droplets fell from his face and back into the water. Little waves rippled across the watering hole, only stopping when it hit the ground.

Coden stared at his reflection in the water. His green eyes stared back at him. His white skin seemed to move with the water. A red bandanna wrapped tightly around his forehead, holding his oak brown hair up in a spiky design. His broad shoulders resonated with muscles, as did his arms and legs. He smiled. Not bad for an eighteen-year-old.

As Coden started to her up, a heavy object hit him hard in the back of the head. He lost his balance in surprise, and plunged into the watering hole. Coden flailed around in panic. He burst up at the edge, coughing up water. He dragged himself up onto the bank. Strong hands grasped his tunic, and dragged Coden away from the watering hole. Coden looked up at his helper. Looking back at him was his best friend Tuvil.

Tuvil was a tall young man, at least two heads taller than Coden. He was as broad as a tree, and as strong as one. A tight mess of light brown hair bobbed down between his shoulder blades. Two scimitars were strapped to his back and ready for use. He was a strong, strapping seventeen-year-old.

“We’re supposed to be heading for Setic, not bathing, Coden.” Tuvil scolded, a wide grin on his face. Coden’s eyes drilled holes into Tuvil.

“You didn’t have to knock me into the water!”

Tuvil lifted Coden onto his feet. “You’ll live. Anyway, I’m curious to see this friend of yours. Seline, right? You always talked about her in our travels.”

Coden, his saturated clothes forgotten, looked longingly into Korientian forest. His face slowly twisted into a smile.

“She was my childhood friend, all the way up until three years ago.”

Tuvil nodded. “I wonder if they’ll remember you?”

Coden chuckled. “They’ll remember me. They never forget a face.”

The duo slowly wandered into the forest.

“Be careful.” Coden said. “They don’t like people being in their forest.”

As if on cue, there was a hiss of air, and twenty arrows were heading for Coden. He didn’t even flinch; he coolly pulled his blade out and severed all the arrows in half with unbelievable skill. They never touched him.

A figure dropped from the trees, an arrow pointed at Coden’s neck, bowline taunt.

”Who are you!?” he demanded. Coden took a step forward. “Don’t move!” he hissed.

Coden held his hands up in peace. “We are here to visit Setic, the Craynor village. I was a previous villager from three years ago. Please, let us through.”

The man looked Coden up and down. “Coden?”

Coden gasped. “Rives, is that you?”

Rives kept the arrow pointed at Coden’s throat. “Don’t come any closer. We are in dark times, and you know the rules. I won’t hesitate to shoot.”

Coden nodded. “I know.”

Coden kicked his foot out, sending a rock propelling towards Rives’s stomach. It hit him head on, causing him to double over in pain. Coden quickly stepped up to him, and kneed him in the face. Rives fell to the ground, blood flowing from his nose. Coden picked Rives’s bow up and snapped it on his knee. He pulled his blade out and laid it on Rives’s neck. Rives glared at Coden darkly.

“Take me to the village, Rives, or I will make you.” Coden commanded.

Rives wiped the blood from his nose with his sleeve. “Fine.”

“I see we’re getting a warm welcome.” Tuvil commented. Coden let out an empty laugh.

Rives slowly got to his feet. Coden buried the blade in his back, warning him that if he tried anything, he would be killed on the spot. Rives slowly moved forward, with Coden on his heels.

“Where have you been all these years, Coden?” Rives asked without looking back.

“Everywhere.” Coden replied nonchalantly.

They walked for ten minutes, twisting and turning around tree and shrubbery. Coden smiled. He was trying to throw them off the trail. Rives suddenly held his hand up. “Wait.”

Rives took a few steps forward. He looked up, and plunged his arm into the branches above him. When his hand came back out, it was holding a young boy by the hair. Rives threw him to the ground.

“Karl! What are you doing here!?”

The boy looked at him, a scared look in his eyes. “I… I wanted to help, Rives.”

“Help? You wanted to help!?” Rives raised his hand to strike him. Coden grabbed Rives’s arm and twisted it violently.

“Don’t hurt him. Remember, I was the best swordsman in Setic when I was eleven.”

The boy looked up at Coden. “You’re Coden aren’t you? Seline told me about you. She always talks about you. She told me to watch for you every day until you came back.”

Coden looked at the boy incredulously. Rives quickly pulled Karl away.

“You will tell nothing of this to Seline. She would rather see him herself, would she not?” he sent a dark glare into Karl’s eyes. Karl shoved his arm off, but nodded. He turned and ran into the forest.

Coden saw the exchange, and knew something was wrong. “What is the problem with Seline?”

Rives turned to him innocently. “What do you mean?”

Coden grabbed Rives by the neck and shoved him up against a tree. “Don’t play stupid with me, I know something is wrong, now tell me!”

Rives gasped for air as his feet dangled off the ground. Tuvil ripped Coden off him, and twisted Coden’s arms behind his back, allowing Tuvil complete control over him. After Coden calmed, Tuvil released him.

Rives rubbed his reddening neck. “Seline ran off to find you six months ago. About four weeks ago, she returned to us, bruised and bleeding, but alive. She had been bedded ever since.”

Coden’s hands curled tightly into fists. “I told her to stay…”

Tuvil saw it in his eyes. He flashed a smile. “Let’s go!”

The duo took off into the forest, heading quickly towards Coden’s old home. Branches snapped under Coden’s great speed and strength. Rives quickly caught up to him.

“You’re off the trail! You’ll miss the gateway. You’re heading for the wall!”

Coden sent him a fiery look. “Who said anything about using the gateway?”

Coden abruptly stopped; he held his arm out in front of Rives. Rives ran headlong into his arm, pulled a half flip, and fell to the ground unconscious. Coden continued his run, with Tuvil beside him

Tuvil let out an excited yell. “Now that’s the Coden I know!”

The wall came up abruptly. Towering oaks grew in a straight line, creating a natural barrier for what it held inside. Coden and Tuvil leapt up, and quickly shimmied up the trees and over. Tuvil made it first. He looked over, and let out a low whistle. A thirty feet drop. Coden didn’t hesitate. He leapt off the tree, and landed on the ground ahead of him thirty feet below. Excruciating pain shot up his legs. He didn’t care. He had to see Seline.

He ran past the rows of houses that now appeared before him. Coden knew which house to go to. There, sitting at the end, was the two-story house that he had built for Seline a month before he left. He burst into the doorway, and headed up the stairs. He rounded the hallway, and ran right into a young woman.

“Sorry, I came to see-“ Coden’s voice cut off. He stared at the young woman. Soft blue eyes stared back at him. Long brown hair flowed down her back like a waterfall. Her kind face grew into a smile as she looked at him. A flood of memories poured into Coden’s head as he stared at his childhood friend.

“Seline?” he finally asked.

A tiny, jeweled tear trickled down her cheek. “Hello, Coden.”

Coden suddenly rushed up to her and embraced her. He spun her around several times, laughing all along with his old friend.

“Rives told me you had gone looking for me and you had been hurt, I just couldn’t, y’know…”

“And you believed him?” Seline said in a mocking tone. Rives appeared on the edge of the steps.

“Seline told me that when you returned, she wanted me to get you here as fast as possible. I thought up the story, and it seemed to work quite well.”

Coden pulled away from Seline, and slowly walked up to Rives. He clenched his fists. “That, Deserves punishment.”

He pushed Rives. Rives stumbled backwards, and started to fall down the stairs.

“Coden!” Seline called in surprise.

A figure appeared behind Rives. “And… caught!”

Tuvil grabbed Rives and pushed him back onto his feet. Coden let out a small grin. “Right on time, Tuvil, right on time!”


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:05 am    Post subject: Uhem. Reply with quote

Right, well. This is my first time posting a review but I will be as honest as possible. Like everything in life, there were strengths and weaknesses to your story. First, I will begin with what I imagined were areas you could improve upon. One, being the fact that your characters seem to have no deeper thoughts, they remain shallow and react, but think nothing, feel nothing but base emotions. Happy, sad, fearful, joyous. Humans, in a fictional world or not, are more complex than that. When "Coden" was "worried", thinking that his longtime friend was hurt, more than just a few emotions would've crossed over a real human's mind. So...if you're wanting to make your characters three-dimensional- gotta work on that.

However, I did find all the "woodsy" imagery, as in the mention of oak trees, and other veggie life a nice touch, and I think the speech between your characters was albeit short, but rather well paced. Like what normal people would speak like.


Um, thereyougo. Hope I did what was expected as a newbie here.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was great, thanks! And ill try to work on there depth as characters.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sasquash wrote:
The sun’s rays melted onto the field, illuminating Coden’s young face. The young man danced around the field, swinging a sword overhead. It was such a wonderful day. He was heading for the place he was raised. He had been gone for about three years. He would be in Setic before too long. Kay, this doesn't make any sense cause he's 18....not 10.


Coden sighed, and lowered the blade. He was supposed to be heading for Setic. He looked back down at his sword. He face reflected off the shining metal. He would go into the forest later. Right now, he would wash up and head for Setic. Replace the second sentence with "He wasn't supposed to be fooling around, heading towards Setic was his main priority" something along those lines. The last two sentences of this paragraph don't make sense. "He should wash up and head to Setic through the forest." (that sentence sucks, but you get my point) How you wrote it, it seems like the forest is the opposite direction of his home.


Coden ambled over to the water hole settled beside the field. He set his sword to the side, and knelt down to drink. He sucked in several mouthfuls, then cupped his hand under the water, and splashed it onto his face. Tiny water droplets fell from his face and back into the water. Little waves rippled across the watering hole, only stopping when it hit the ground.bank could be substituted for ground


Coden stared at his reflection in the water. His green eyes stared back at him. His white skin seemed to move with the water. A red bandanna wrapped tightly around his forehead, holding his oak brown hair up in a spiky design. His broad shoulders resonated with muscles, as did his arms and legs. He smiled. Not bad for an eighteen-year-old.


As Coden started to her Proof reading could have caught this typo up, a heavy object hit him hard in the back of the head. He lost his balance in surprise, and plunged into the watering hole. Coden flailed around in panic. In the story he seems very sure of himself as a warrior, he wouldn't flail-seems opposite of his character. He burst up at the edge, coughing up water. He dragged himself up onto the bank. Strong hands grasped his tunic, and dragged Coden away from the watering hole. Coden looked up at his helper. Looking back at him was his best friend Tuvil.


Tuvil was a tall young man, at least two heads taller than Coden. He was as broad as a tree, and as strong as one. A tight mess of light brown hair bobbed down between his shoulder blades. Two scimitars were strapped to his back and ready for use. He was a strong, strapping seventeen-year-old.


“We’re supposed to be heading for Setic, not bathing, Coden.” Tuvil scolded, a wide grin on his face. Coden’s eyes drilled holes into Tuvil.


“You didn’t have to knock me into the water!”


Tuvil lifted Coden onto his feet. “You’ll live. Anyway, I’m curious to see this friend of yours. Seline, right? You always talked about her in our travels.”


Coden, his saturated clothes forgotten, looked longingly into Korientian forest. His face slowly twisted into a smile.


“She was my childhood friend, all the way up until three years ago.”


Tuvil nodded. “I wonder if they’ll remember you?”


Coden chuckled. “They’ll remember me. They never forget a face.”


The duo slowly wandered into the forest.


“Be careful.” Coden said. “They don’t like people being in their forest.”


As if on cue, there was a hiss of air, and twenty arrows were heading for Coden. He didn’t even flinch; he coolly pulled his blade out and severed all the arrows in half with unbelievable skill I believe a ; should go here They never touched him.


A figure dropped from the trees, an arrow pointed at Coden’s neck, bowline taunt.
”Who are you!?” he demanded. Coden took a step forward. “Don’t move!” he hissed.


Coden held his hands up in peace. “We are here to visit Setic, the Craynor village. I was a previous villager from three years ago. Please, let us through.”


The man looked Coden up and down. “Coden?”


Coden gasped. “Rives, is that you?”


Rives kept the arrow pointed at Coden’s throat. “Don’t come any closer. We are in dark times, and you know the rules. I won’t hesitate to shoot.”


Coden nodded. “I know.”


Coden kicked his foot out, sending a rock propelling towards Rives’s stomach. It hit him head on, causing him to double over in pain. Ok, so it hit him in the head-he shouldn't double over in pain, her would more likely be griping his head Coden quickly stepped up to him, and kneed him in the face. Rives fell to the ground, blood flowing from his nose. Coden picked Rives’s bow up and snapped it on his knee. He pulled his blade out and laid it on Rives’s neck. Rives glared at Coden darkly. **sigh** snapping the bow is wasteful


“Take me to the village, Rives, or I will make you.” Coden commanded.


Rives wiped the blood from his nose with his sleeve. “Fine.”


“I see we’re getting a warm welcome.” Tuvil commented. Coden let out an empty laugh.


Rives slowly got to his feet. Coden buried buried is so the wrong word, your basically saying that he just stabbed him in the back the blade in his back, warning him that if he tried anything, he would be killed on the spot. Rives slowly moved forward, with Coden on his heels.


“Where have you been all these years, Coden?” Rives asked without looking back.


“Everywhere.” Coden replied nonchalantly.


They walked for ten minutes, twisting and turning around tree and shrubbery. Coden smiled. He was trying to throw them off the trail. Rives suddenly held his hand up. “Wait.”


Rives took a few steps forward. He looked up, and plunged his arm into the branches above him. When his hand came back out, it was holding a young boy by the hair. Rives threw him to the ground.


“Karl! What are you doing here!?”


The boy looked at him, a scared look in his eyes. “I… I wanted to help, Rives.”


“Help? You wanted to help!?” Rives raised his hand to strike him. Coden grabbed Rives’s arm and twisted it violently.


“Don’t hurt him. Remember, I was the best swordsman in Setic when I was eleven.”


The boy looked up at Coden. “You’re Coden aren’t you? Seline told me about you. She always talks about you. She told me to watch for you every day until you came back.”


Coden looked at the boy incredulously. Rives quickly pulled Karl away.


“You will tell nothing of this to Seline. She would rather see him herself, would she not?” he sent a dark glare into Karl’s eyes. Karl shoved his arm off, but nodded. He turned and ran into the forest. Makes no sense


Coden saw the exchange, and knew something was wrong. “What is the problem with Seline?”


Rives turned to him innocently. “What do you mean?”


Coden grabbed Rives by the neck and shoved him up against a tree. “Don’t play stupid with me, I know something is wrong, now tell me!” A little bit of an over reaction....he seems to do that..


Rives gasped for air as his feet dangled off the ground. Tuvil ripped Coden off him, and twisted Coden’s arms behind his back, allowing Tuvil complete control over him. "Allowing Tuvil complete control over him" is unnecessary After Coden calmed, Tuvil released him.


Rives rubbed his reddening neck. “Seline ran off to find you six months ago. About four weeks ago, she returned to us, bruised and bleeding, but alive. She had been bedded ever since.”


Coden’s hands curled tightly into fists. “I told her to stay…”


Tuvil saw it in his eyes. He flashed a smile. “Let’s go!”


The duo took off into the forest, heading quickly towards Coden’s old home. Branches snapped under Coden’s great speed and strength. Rives quickly caught up to him.him=them


“You’re off the trail! You’ll miss the gateway. You’re heading for the wall!”


Coden sent him a fiery look. “Who said anything about using the gateway?”


Coden abruptly stopped; he held his arm out in front of Rives. Rives ran headlong into his arm, pulled a half flip, and fell to the ground unconscious. Again, super unnecessary Coden continued his run, with Tuvil beside him
Tuvil let out an excited yell. “Now that’s the Coden I know!”


The wall came up abruptly.How you wrote this sentence made me think a smart a** remark: The wall moves?! jk-"They cam up to the wall abruptly" would be lovely here Towering oaks grew in a straight line, creating a natural barrier for what it held inside. Coden and Tuvil leapt up, and quickly shimmied up the trees and over. Tuvil made it first. He looked over, and let out a low whistle. A thirty feet drop. Coden didn’t hesitate. He leapt off the tree, and landed on the ground ahead of him thirty feet below. Excruciating pain shot up his legs. He didn’t care. He had to see Seline.


He ran past the rows of houses that now appeared before him. Coden knew which house to go to. There, sitting at the end, was the two-story house that he had built for Seline a month before he left. He burst into the doorway, and headed up the stairs. He rounded the hallway, and ran right into a young woman.


“Sorry, I came to see-“ Coden’s voice cut off. He stared at the young woman. Soft blue eyes stared back at him. Long brown hair flowed down her back like a waterfall. Her kind face grew into a smile as she looked at him. A flood of memories poured into Coden’s head as he stared at his childhood friend.
“Seline?” he finally asked.


A tiny, jeweled tear trickled down her cheek. “Hello, Coden.”


Coden suddenly rushed up to her and embraced her. He spun her around several times, laughing all along with his old friend.


“Rives told me you had gone looking for me and you had been hurt, I just couldn’t, y’know…”


“And you believed him?” Seline said in a mocking tone. Rives appeared on the edge of the steps.


“Seline told me that when you returned, she wanted me to get you here as fast as possible. I thought up the story, and it seemed to work quite well.” Ok-first he's hostile? Now this. Doesn't make sense AT ALL. Plus isn't he still unconscious?


Coden pulled away from Seline, and slowly walked up to Rives. He clenched his fists. “That, Deserves punishment.”


He pushed Rives. Rives stumbled backwards, and started to fall down the stairs. You should know what I'm going to say....unnecessary rough-housing


“Coden!” Seline called in surprise.


A figure appeared behind Rives. “And… caught!”


Tuvil grabbed Rives and pushed him back onto his feet. Coden let out a small grin. “Right on time, Tuvil, right on time!”




One thing that would help tremendously is revising your own work. Some of the things in here are fine, but I wouldn't write them. Ok, I hope I helped instead of being annoying.

The plot for this short story is good, but what would the plot be if it was a novel? Just curious....

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Theres a lot more to the plot you dont know about yet.


Quote:
Coden kicked his foot out, sending a rock propelling towards Rives’s stomach. It hit him head on, causing him to double over in pain. Ok, so it hit him in the head-he shouldn't double over in pain, her would more likely be griping his head Coden quickly stepped up to him, and kneed him in the face. Rives fell to the ground, blood flowing from his nose. Coden picked Rives’s bow up and snapped it on his knee. He pulled his blade out and laid it on Rives’s neck. Rives glared at Coden darkly. **sigh** snapping the bow is wasteful


In the part about hitting him head on... the rock hit him head on in the stomach, not the head.


Thanks for the critique though, ill work out the flaws and hope to have the next chapter on soon. Then you might be able to see the whole plot, and why the story is called 'Element'. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I think it has a lot of potential, there's just a bit of grammatical errors that I'll touch on Smile.



Quote:
Coden ambled over to the water hole settled beside the field. He set his sword to the side, and knelt down to drink. He sucked in several mouthfuls, then cupped his hand under the water, and splashed it onto his face. Tiny water droplets fell from his face and back into the water. Little waves rippled across the watering hole, only stopping when it hit the ground.


He set his sword to the side I'd change this to, "He laid his sword aside and knelt down to drink"
He sucked in several mouthfuls, then cupped his hand under the water, and splashed it onto his face. Did he stick his face in the water and drink it like that, or did he use his hand? try: "He swallowed a few mouthfuls before splashing water onto his face.
Tiny water droplets fell from his face and back into the water. Little waves rippled across the watering hole, only stopping when it hit the ground sounds a bit too...i dunno Very Happy. Try: "Tiny droplets of water ran down his face, and landed in the water causing little waves to ripple across the surface, stopping only when it reached the end of the hole." The ground sounds like its falling from a high surface.

Anyway, there are more things to be fixed, and if you'd like me to help you out just pm me Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was good...but I found a couple of grammatical mistakes, but they were not too bad, I also think you should tell us more about the characters, talk more about them, try to correct the gramatical mistakes.
but overall it was a good story, very interesting

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not going to go into any detail.

The first thing i noticed was that you use the main character's name way too often, Coden did this, coden did that. Remember you're allowed to use he, his,him!

And keep in mind people are critiquing to help you, I was kind of taken aback when i first looked at stuff people say cause its a lot different to regular forums, but usually people crit because they like a piece and want to help make it better. So don't worry about criticism and stuff, if anyone thought it wasn't worth saving they wouldn't comment at all ^_^

Also im not sure where that rant came from but i hope it was helpful lol.

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