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Black Cat Sachiko
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 Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 3:05 am Post subject: A small series of Autumn themed haiku |
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This is something I wrote for Jabber-chan's (JabberHut for the rest of you) 100 word Autumn contest. Critiques are welcome, but bear in mind that they're also haiku. That, and i'm pretty freaking sick of looking at them. XD
A small series of Autumn themed haiku.
Symphonies fall from
Branches in swift harmony.
Leaves crunch underfoot.
Trees bare themselves
In equinox praise.
All else beholds the wonder.
Before a full moon,
Wolves express their approval
For nearing events.
Carved faces leer past
Steep corners where witches fly.
There will be candy.
Football soars high as
All dive before its descent.
Victory is sweet.
Chill breezes sweep to
Cover hilltops with gold leaves.
Who took my mittens?
Geese fly overhead,
Running away from autumn.
Many wings will tire quickly.
Pies from oven should
Cool before being touched.
Warm temptation taunts.
Red apples drop where worms infest happily.
---
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ana_is_a_banana
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:19 am Post subject: |
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Symphonies fall from
Branches in swift harmony.
Leaves crunch underfoot. |
The first line of this is a little off rythm, but overall I love this one.
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Trees bare themselves
In equinox praise.
All else beholds the wonder. |
Just to clarify (probably just me being dumb  ) what is equinox praise?
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Before a full moon,
Wolves express their approval
For nearing events. |
I absolutely adore this one, except maybe use a different word from nearing. I love it though!
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Carved faces leer past
Steep corners where witches fly.
There will be candy. |
The first two line are scary (in other words, excellent, because it is halloween themed), but the last line is a little odd and out of place. Make that line about candy, but it would almost suit the rest of the poem better if you used a different word, such as treats, or prizes, or secrets, or something more mysterious.
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Football soars high as
All dive before its descent.
Victory is sweet. |
Again, I am not so sure I like the "as" at the end of line one.
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Chill breezes sweep to
Cover hilltops with gold leaves.
Who took my mittens? |
I like this one a lot. I like how the last line is playful, and gives the poem some excitment and humor. I love it. but i dont like the "to" at the end of line one. (Again, something about this kind of thing offsets the beat of the poem.)
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Geese fly overhead,
Running away from autumn.
Many wings will tire quickly. |
Wonderfully written. It's perfect for autumn. I like the last line but maybe use a different word from quickly.
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Pies from oven should
Cool before being touched.
Warm temptation taunts. |
First line doesnt make much sense. but I love pie! 
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| Red apples drop where worms infest happily. |
Nice touch. This is a cute line. I love it. |
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Black Cat Sachiko
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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Banana-san-
Thank you so much for your review!!
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| Just to clarify (probably just me being dumb Surprised) what is equinox praise? |
the time when the sun crosses the plane of the earth's equator, making night and day of approximately equal length all over the earth and occurring about March 21 (vernal equinox or spring equinox) and September 22 (autumnal equinox). In this case it's autumn. ^_^
I'll be sure to take a careful look at the rest of your suggestions, and try to fix what you pointed out. Again, thank you! ^_^ |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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Sachi-cat! Terrific job. First things first: *stars*
That said, I'm normally not huge on haiku. I usually read them in bunches like this, but anyway they're all really good. Good luck!!!!! |
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Jared
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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| Red apples drop where worms infest happily. |
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| Steep corners where witches fly. |
You say 'where' twice. >.>
You already know that I love these poems. They are terrific.
-Jared |
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shower_of_stars
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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I love the first two! Also, I really like your use of imagery throughout the pieces.
In the Halloween one and the chill breezes one (numbers four and six), the last lines seem to almost break the spell created by the first two. They seem out of place and out of keeping with the moods- was this intentional?
I feel you've captured autumn nicely, and I especially like the vocabulary you use (equinox, swift harmony, carved faces).
Good job! |
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Shallowdepth
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice job ^^ i wish I could write haikus like that, but everytime I try it, well, it looks more like a machine forcily crammed words into a stanza lol. My favorite stanza in the series was the one about the wolves XD I loved that, but then again wolves are practically my favorite animals lol. Great job on this, make some more! |
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