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This thread was created on June 29, 2008
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As I Await
Topic ID: 32344
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horsez919
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: As I Await |
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Okay, this poem is suppose to be a Limerick. It's not that "flowy" in my opinion. The verses are a little bit longer than I would have liked them to be. But it's kind of late [at least right now] and I like what I've come up with. Here it goes... [its suppose to be from the voice of a duck..not a person  ]
Cooped up in here-what I call a world of my own,
I’m surrounded by the darkness and I’m all alone.
Wanting out and to be set free,
For there is no room here for me.
‘Till my lingering ends, the world will stay unknown.
--------------------------
The last phrase I'm not so sure about |
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hobbes
Writer
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Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
314 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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cool! i think that was flowy right up to the last line of the poem. also I think it should be in here for me.
other than that thats cool
o<
0
= its a duck! |
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he who laughs last, has a slow mind. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
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369 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:55 pm Post subject: |
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pretty good...really good actually...well, until the end.
the last line--for me--was sort of...i don't know how to describe it...just strange...
it was kind of like, well, yeah...of course...you know...like a duh moment type thing.
maybe you intended it to be that way, i dont know, i've done that before in my own writing...
but i only try to do that when there is some sort of significance to pointing it out...
overall, a very nice piece!
-GC10 |
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"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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clueless
Senior Writer
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409 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: Re: As I Await |
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| horsez919 wrote: |
Cooped up in here-what I call a world of my own,
I’m surrounded by the darkness and I’m all alone.
Wanting out and to be set free,
For there is no room here for me.
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This part is really good because it gives room for imagination but it's not to vauge.. it gives you a good mental picture. i also think it could be developed on a little more. try adding something like
yearning for the light of day
is there any other way??
of course it dooesnt have to be exactly like that, but something to make it fuller.
hope i helped.
-M.J.- |
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| This thread was created on June 29, 2008 |
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