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This thread was created on June 29, 2008

War is a cruel thing

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kayay123
New Member

Gender: Gender:Female

Age: 18
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2

300 Points

Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: War is a cruel thing

This is my first attempt at a writing. Hope you like it. He came to her door on a bright, crisp, Sunday morning. The trees were just starting to bud and new life was springing up everywhere. The robins and chickadees were singing and harmony and nothing could seem to go wrong. He raised his hand to knock on her door, hesitated, then knocked 3 loud times. The door was opened by his bride-to-be. She stood there in her lacy-white v-neck shirt and a short tan skirt staring at him for a moment before her sunny smile turned to a sorrowful frown. For he was dressed in his tan uniform, his medals gleaming brightly and his gold pin proudly stating U.S. Army. This could only mean one thing. " I'm leaving tomorrow," he said. " I can see that," tears started to well in her eyes. "Please don't cry. I came to spend the day with you and to try and make this day the best day ever." "I would really enjoy that!" She replied her tears drying up. and her frown turned into a smile. He bowed and held out his hand. She took it and stepped gracefully out closing the door behind her. "I thought that we could spend the day in the park. I have a picnic basket in the car for both lunch and dinner." "That would be absolutely wonderful," She exclaimed. He drove her to the bright green park in his red Dodge Viper. The sky was a bright blue dotted her and there with white fluffy clouds. the children were scattered her and there playing tag and flying there brightly colored kites. They found a small hill overlooking it all and they watched the children in silence both wondering about their future. They then took out their lunch and ate it in silence. He suddenly turned to her a big grin on his face. She shrieked and laughed as he chased her in and out of the trees. She turned her face to the sky and laughed a huge laugh as he pushed her on the swings and giggled as she darted down the slide only to be swung up in his mighty arms moments later. They collapsed on the blanket awhile later and took out their dinner. They chatted about their future not once thinking about the present. Then they sat back and watched the sun set. Their arms were behind their backs his right over her left their hands clenched together. "This has been the best day ever," She said as she leaned over to him. "It has," he replied and they kissed for the last time. The next time she heard of him it was when two soldiers came to her 5 months later and knocked on her door on a bright, crisp, Sunday morning.

GML
Writer

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 87
Reviews: 60
Country: USA
300 Points

Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject:

Feel free to disregard anything I say. You're the author in the end. Smile

Quote:

He came to her door on a bright, crisp, Sunday morning.

Pick one of those adjectives to take out. You shouldn't list like that. (I suggest "bright")

Quote:

The robins and chickadees were singing and harmony and nothing could

seem to go wrong.

Honestly ask yourself how many times have you heard a line like this? Cut it in half: The birds are singing in harmony. Yup--cliche. "Nothing could seem to go wrong"--yup again, very cliche. Try to come up with original sentences and for the bird bit, original description.

Quote:

He raised his hand to knock on her door, hesitated, then knocked 3 loud times.

Any number under ten should be written out.

Quote:

She stood there in her lacy-white v-neck shirt and a short tan skirt staring at him for a moment before

her sunny smile turned to a sorrowful frown.

Don't put unneccessary physical description like what she's wearing. Physical description should only be used if it really characterizes a character or is vital to the plot. For example, you showed the man was a soldier through his uniform. This is necessary to know what he is wearing. But we don't really care what the girl has on.

Quote:

" I'm leaving tomorrow," he said.

" I can see that," tears started to well in her eyes.

"Please don't cry. I came to spend the day with you and to try and make this day the best day ever."

"I would really enjoy that!" She replied her tears drying up. and her frown turned into a smile.

Okay, this is your first writing so you really haven't had time to practice this. But this dialogue is fairly unrealistic. Think about people in real life. Observe them; listen. Now doesn't this sound cheesy if you relook at it? Avoid using exclamation points unless she's actually yelling. And try to use the word "said" instead of most other dialogue tags. Could her tears dry up on command? (I don't think so)

Quote:

"That would be absolutely wonderful," She exclaimed.

1. Don't capitalize "she" or any other pronouns after dialogue, for that matter.
2. Not many people "exclaim" a lot. (Remember what I said about our friend "said.")

Quote:

He drove her to the bright green park in his red Dodge Viper. The sky was a bright blue dotted her

and there with white fluffy clouds. the children were scattered her and there playing tag and flying there

brightly colored kites.

Ahh! You used the word "bright" three times! But this is why you have people critique you. Oftentimes, it's hard for the actual author to find those "stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb" words. It should be "their" after "flying."

Quote:

They found a small hill overlooking it all and they watched the children in silence both wondering

about their future.

I would love this if you actually had them think their thoughts. Like (in italics) start with the girl and then the guy and maybe have their thoughts end in the same way. I don't know. Just a thought.

Quote:

He suddenly turned to her a big grin on his face.

Avoid using "suddenly."

Quote:

The next time she heard of him it was when two soldiers came to her 5 months later and knocked on

her door on a bright, crisp, Sunday morning

I love this ending. It's excellent for a first time writer. Heartbreaking.

--------------------------------------------

Since you're a first timer, you may or may not have heard the phrase "show don't tell." This is your biggest problem as of now. You are stating everything that is happening. You aren't describing things in depth, you are telling us how the characters feel without showing us. One way to (help) eliminate this problem is to cut down on adverbs. Instead, describe. Ex: She said this softly.---Ex: She said this with a volume so low, the inflections of her voice could barely be heard above the conversation of the radiator. Another way is just to add description all over. And practice. That's the only way to get past this. And believe me, everyone, including me, still has this problem. It never seems to completely leave...

So this is your first writing. That being said, this was pretty good. All the problems you have can be fixed with only one thing--practice. That's the only way you can get better. I hope you post more and I can see your improvement over time. Nice work.

Private message me with any questions. Good luck!
GML

_________________
"Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down." --Ray Bradbury

Luvzi12
Writer

Gender:

Age: 20
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 60
Reviews: 24

300 Points

Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject:

I really don't have anything to add, the critical appraisal before me said everything I wanted to say, and it was a very good criticism too! (Sorry, I'm crticising the criticism haha!) But, yeah, I don't really have anything to add, except to listen to the post above because it is very good advice!

dommy65
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 18 May 2008
Posts: 123
Reviews: 52
Country: USA
300 Points

Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject:

I liked this story a lot. It's great especially for your first shot at writing. The only thing I would suggest is watching your commas and periods, and there were some slight issues with the dialogue, but nothing too major. The other mistakes I spotted were already stated. I loved the ending, kudos to you, man! ~Domenique
_________________ I said your eyes, they say nothing So you can't stop me On summer days like these I said words they mean nothing So you can't hurt me

ProfessorRabbit
+4 to hit
Speaker of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 20
Joined: 25 Jun 2008
Posts: 790
Reviews: 47
Country: Dictionopolis
108 Points

Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject:

I knew the ending the minute I saw "bride-to-be" and "uniform." However, I do like your use of repetition. The way you use the same descriptor ( "bright, crisp Sunday morning" ) at the end and at the beginning draws the whole story together.
_________________ Frylock, please, no books! I can't read; I'm not a loser! -Master Shake

This thread was created on June 29, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on June 29, 2008

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