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by andrew.j.m in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on June 29, 2008
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Harry Potter

Harry Potter
Topic ID: 32317
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morgan87   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:25 pm    Post subject: Harry Potter Reply with quote

Chapter 2 The way to the dungeons.

Draco Malfoy is standing in the hallway. He is thinking about what Snape has just said to him. While he is wondering about all this Maira Macha walks towards him.

“Excuse me! Can I ask you something?” Maira Macha asks.

When Draco sees her for the second time she takes his breath away.

“Well of course. Go ahead!” Draco said.

“Well, professor Snape, I believe that he is the head of your house, offered me a room in the Slytherin dungeon. But I don’t know the way. Can you show me the way to the Slyhterin dungeon?” Maira asks.

“Alright. If you want to follow me, please.” Draco replied.

Maira follows Draco to the Slyhterin dungeon.

“I know the way to the dungeon very well. I’m as Slytherin myself. But I have to warn you! You have to watch your head! The ceiling in the dungeon is very low. It’s easy to hit your head. And it’s very dark too. You have to mind your steps or you can slip and hurt yourself very badly! “ Draco said.

“Thank you for the advice. Draco Malfoy? Can you also show me the way to the potions class of professor Snape? My first lessons will be in his classroom and I don’t know the way to that either! “ Maira Macha asks.

“Of course. But first I will show you the way to your room. So you can drop your luggage! Anyway where is your luggage?” Draco asks.

“My brothers have my luggage. But they have a conversation with professor Dumbledore. That’s why. They will come later. “ Maira Macha says.

Draco and Maira are walking down the stairs which are very slippery! Than Maira Macha slips and she almost fell down the stairs! Luckily Draco can catch her just in time.

“I told you to be careful! “ Draco cries.

“I’m sorry! Without you I would have fallen down and hurt myself badly!” She says while she looks deeply inside Draco’s eyes.

“It’s alright. You just scared me. That’s all! I really though, that you would fall” Draco says.

Maira follows him to a wooden door.

“I think this is it. I think that this is the room Snape has offered you. I will leave you alone than. I will see you later and than I will show you the way to professor Snape’s classroom.” Draco says.

“Thank you” Maira says.

“You’re welcome good bye” Draco replied.

“Good bye” Draco said.

A few minutes later Maira’s two brothers arrive. They look very much like each other. They both have short brown curly hair and grey eyes. The also were the same bleu robes. That’s because they are magical twins.

They boys are called Gewain and Garreth.

“And sister did your plan worked? Did he show you the way to your room? “ Garreth asks.

“As you can see I’m already standing before the door. So yes it worked. He was very kind and very polite also! “ Maira says.

“Yes, but don’t forget our mission! Don’t forget that he is a special boy! We need him! The prophecy has told us that he will change our world forever! Nothing will be the same again!” Gewain says.

“And it’s our job to win his trust and to bring him to Avalon!” Garreth says.

“Yes, I know but still I can like him. Don’t I? But I know about the prophecy! I have seen it myself! As you both know I will be the next high priestess! I have to know all those prophecies! “ Maira says.

When they are talking Draco is arriving from the shadow.

“Boys, do you want to come inside! They boy is coming and I don’t want him to hear anything of our conversation! “ Maira says.

“Okay we will leave you to alone. We will come back later.” Gewain says when he and Garreth enters the room. Maira is waiting outside the room.

“Here I’m again. Did you like the room?” Draco asks.

“Oh, yes. It’s very cosy! You are here to show me the way to the classroom of professor Snape? “ Maira asks.

“Yes , Do you want to follow me again? Draco says.

Maira follows Draco to Snape’s classroom. When they arrive at the classroom Draco opens the door. He and Maira enter the room.

“This room is wonderful. Dark and spooky! What kind of subject does Snape teach? “ Maira asks.

“He is our potion master! He wonderful in making potions! That’s his great talent! He is famous about his potions. Everyone in school buy a potion from him if they need it! He is my favourite teacher and mentor!” Draco says.

“I can believe why. Do you want to leave me now, please? So, I can prepare everything for our first lesson tomorrow? “ Maira asks.

“Of, course. Good bye than” Draco says while he leaves Maira.

When Draco’s gone, Maira is shaking her head while she is deep in thoughts.

“Oh, poor boy. If you only knew what would happen to you!

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mikedb1492   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Alright. If you want to follow me, please.” Draco replied.

Unlike the rest of the story you put put the word 'replied' instead of 'replies'. Remember, you have to keep it in present tense if your writing that way.
Quote:
I’m as Slytherin myself.

Replace 'as' with 'a'.
Quote:
“I know the way to the dungeon very well. I’m as Slytherin myself. But I have to warn you! You have to watch your head! The ceiling in the dungeon is very low. It’s easy to hit your head. And it’s very dark too. You have to mind your steps or you can slip and hurt yourself very badly! “ Draco said.

You're supposed to put 'says' instead of 'said' since you're talking in present tense. Also, you shouldn't put 'Draco said' at that spot. It just sounds weird having all that dialog with a bunch of sentences and then all of a sudden having the 'said' part. Instead, place it after the first sentence. You did this a few other times but I'm sure you can find them and/or apply it to future writing.
Quote:
“Of course. But first I will show you the way to your room. So you can drop your luggage!

That exclamation point you have after luggage is a little weird to me. You did this a few other tmes in this story, but I'm only going to name this one. The main problem with this is that it's energetic and forcefull without needing to be. It doesn't sound realistic to me.
Quote:
Draco and Maira are walking down the stairs which are very slippery! Than Maira Macha slips and she almost fell down the stairs!

Exclamation points should be rarely used outside of dialog in your writing. The situations above don't require it and the fact that they're right by eachother makes it sound even weirder. For now, so that you'll eventually understand when to use it, don't use it at all outside of dialog. Then, while reading, note everytime an exclamation point is used and start reapplying them to your writing as you begin to understand it (or you could continue to never use it outside of dialog since I've heard a writer say you should do just that).
Quote:
I will see you later and than I will show you the way to professor Snape’s classroom.” Draco says.

In case you don't know it, I'm going to give you a quick lesson on the words 'then' and 'than' since you used it wrongly here. 'Than' is used in sentences like "The park is cooler than the pool." In other words it's used in comparisons. 'Then is used in sentences like "I went to the park and then to the pool." Get it? If not you can PM me and I'll try and explain better.
Quote:
“I think this is it. I think that this is the room Snape has offered you.

Why would Draco know that room it is? Also, the repetition of the words 'I think' are annoying. You should just get rid of the first sentence since it is unnecessary.
T
Quote:
hey boys are called Gewain and Garreth.

Aren't those the names of two dragons in that book trilogy where clay dragns come to life? This isn't a bad thing, I'm just curious.
Quote:
Everyone in school buy a potion from him if they need it!

First, your grammar is a bit off, and second, no one buys potions from him.

Quick question. Why would Maira be offered a room in the Slitheren house? If she's at Hogwarts then she's either a student or teacher since there are rarely visitors at Hogwarts. Also, I doubt that Snape would be hospitable enough to offer someone a room, and I don't think she could be family since I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any.

Okay, here are the things I think you should change about this.
1) You don't have to, but the fact that this is in present tense feels weird to me. I think you should try to put it into past tense.
2) Your grammar is a bit off and you spell a few words wrong (most of which are caused by you jumbling up the letters while typing). These can be fixed with some simple rereading.
3) Your dialog is kind of unrealistic with both words and use of exclamation points. Before you write down dialog I think you should say it outloud and mak sure it sounds like something someone would say. When speking it aloud also integrate your exclamation points and see if they sound good in the situation or if they make it seam a little fake.

Alright that's everything. It's a decent idea you got here, but you'll have to try and make sure it integrates well with the current Harry Potter universe. Anyway, PM me if you have any questions or need help.

Edit: One last thing. I didn't think the Draco spoke like he would in real life. Just something else I thought I'd add.

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This thread was created on June 29, 2008

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