| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
|
|
Fifteen 2
by carelessaussie13 in Other Fiction |
This thread was created on June 29, 2008
  |
|
te
Topic ID: 32307
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
lex
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 3
Country: philippines
188 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:27 pm Post subject: te |
 |
|
JUST HOLD MY HAND
by lmpo
I didn't expect that it'll be like this
We are happy and we love in peace
But why do people judge us?
Saying that our relationship won't last
We both came from different paths
Me as a serious one, and you who
has playful act
Our fate meet our destiny
You've been a broken hearted
and I've been so happy in my way
But one day, we found ourselves
in each others arm
You promise to love me 'till
the end of time
You'll be with me though your
world may fall
I will be here and I'll give my all
But there are people who criticize us
Giving their best to destroy us
They don't believe to what we have
because it's my first time to love
They don't believe that this would work
because you've hurt in your past
for a long time
But we all know, life is never
an easy one
We will fight for our love as we
hold each others hand
We will stand to what we believe
And forever, together we will live. |
_________________
WRITE what you believe.
believe what is RIGHT.
Last edited by lex on Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:44 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
andimlovegalore
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 545
Reviews: 111
Country: England
482 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
Good poem =] I like the determination, you tell the story of the difficulty of the relationship well. I found a couple of problems with your language:
| lex wrote: |
| I didn't expect that it'll be like this |
it'll -> it'd
| lex wrote: |
| saying that are relationship |
are -> our
| lex wrote: |
| has playful act |
doesn't really make sense. maybe it could be "and you who has a playful act."
| lex wrote: |
| our fate meet our destiny |
meet -> meets
| lex wrote: |
| in each others arm |
arm -> arms, others -> other's
| lex wrote: |
| they don't believe to what we have |
they don't believe in what we have? |
_________________
"Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?"
"Colon Explorer?"
"You know what I'm saying."
The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw.
Free reviews! Clicky. =D |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on June 29, 2008 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. - Henry David Thoreau
|
