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Untitle Short Story - Quick Read, 1,170 words
Untitle Short Story - Quick Read, 1,170 words

by dev in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on June 28, 2008
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Mother! Please!

Topic ID: 32290
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tanker225   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 2:31 am    Post subject: Mother! Please! Reply with quote

Jill Adams had been born deaf. She would never know what it sounded like to hear her mother or father call her to the dinner table. Her parents had decided early on that she would be taught at home while her older brother Cody went to public school. Jill didn’t understand why Cody got to go to school with his friends and she couldn’t go with him. Cody was very protective of Jill since he was 2 years older. Her parents never thought that she would be deaf. Her mother was very protective of her. Her father thought that her mother was smothering her though. Cody wished that Jill could share in the activities that he and his friends did but since she was deaf there was only one way for her to communicate with Cody. His friends were very protective of Jill as well. Cody’s best friend Cameron even took the time to learn sign language to be able to communicate with Jill. Cameron confided in Cody that he liked Jill. Cody wasn’t surprised about that. Jill though was very shy around Cameron.

Their parents were not sure if it was a good idea for Jill to get involved with Cameron because of her being deaf, Cody though that it would be a very good idea because than she would not be so isolated from other people.

Cameron spent more and more time around Jill and the more that he spent time with her the more that he fell in love with her. Cody even saw the way that Cody looked at Jill when she would walk into a room. Cody knew that Cameron would never hurt Jill because Cody loved her too much to want to hurt her. If Cameron ever hurt Jill it would be like hurting himself that is how much Cameron loved Jill. When some of Cameron’s friends though found out that he was dating a deaf girl that would make fun of him, Cameron though would not stoop to their level because that would just get him into trouble. He was after all the captain of the football, basketball and baseball teams where he went to high school. Cody supported Cameron in the idea of his dating Jill from the start. Jill would get all giggly around Cody every time that he was in the room. Cameron would beam with pure love because he knew that Jill loved him. Cody and Jill’s parents after a while got used to Cameron being Jill’s boyfriend. Cody and Cameron were both seniors in High school at this point in time and Cameron had been accepted to one of the top schools in the northeast, Penn State.

Cameron wanted Jill to come with him when he went to Penn state but her parents didn’t think that it would be a good idea. Cameron went on to explain that Jill would be able to go to college as well there were translators at the school and that way Cameron and Jill would be together rather than him only seeing her on the weekends or vacations. Jill wanted this very much. Her parents started to realize that they would have to let her go and this seemed like the right time to do it. They knew that Cameron and Cody would not let anything happen to Jill.

So the following weekend Cameron and Jill and Cody started to pack up their stuff to be able to drive to Penn State to get settled. Jill’s parents wanted to go with them to settle her in but upon Cody’s decision he didn’t want them to go because Jill and Cameron would be fine. Cody went with them because he was going to Penn State too, their parents felt better knowing that Cody would be on campus with them rather than Jill and Cameron on the campus by themselves. None of them even had to stay in the dorms, they were able to get an apartment close to campus. Someone would be able to get Jill to class and so forth. Just because Jill had a disability didn’t mean that she couldn’t get a good education just like most hearing people. She did even better than most of her classmates. She was able to talk some but she preferred to do sign language.

Cody and Cameron were talking one night while Jill was at a meeting with her translator. Cameron told Cody that he wanted to ask Jill to marry him because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Cody was so happy to hear that from Cameron. Cody told him that he was waiting for that time to come.

Jill came into the apartment a while later seeing that Cody and Cameron were talking wanted to know what was going on. Cody left the apartment so that Cameron and Jill could be alone. Cameron and Jill had been together by this point about a year and everything was going great for them. Jill knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Cameron. Cameron motioned for Jill to sit down on the couch than Cameron got down on one knee and proposed to Jill. Jill of course said yes, at this point Cody had come back into the apartment. He and Cameron would now be brothers. Jill and Cameron now had to tell her parents about the engagement and Cody suggested why not wait till thanksgiving, Jill and Cameron both agreed that waiting would be the best thing for right now. Cameron later that night though to tell his parents that he had proposed to Jill and she had accepted, well his parents were thrilled about that because they both loved Jill like she was their own daughter.

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deafwriter_19   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is very good! I like the deaf characters part! Probably because I'm deaf myself...

But the paragraphs are HUGE chunks. Split some up. Have variety in the length. This is really good for a children's romance story.

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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have three questions that I need you to answer before I can review...

Where is the dialogue?

Where are the characters?

Where is the description?

This was - quite literally - just telling. Telling e - v - e - r - y - t - h - i - n - g. And I'm annoyed because I know that you can do better. I could not connect with ANY of the characters, and I couldn't picture any of the places, or people. Everything was so... papery. Sad

Please, please practice, and don't give up just because not everyone loved this story. I can see definite potential - I just don't think your using it to the best of your ability. If you need help or have questions, you can PM me.

All of my golden luck (xD),

S E L A

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Sela. The concept of the story was very interesting. However, this reads like a really long blurb rather than an actual story. You should also have spaces between each paragraph.

Quote:

Cody and Cameron were talking one night while Jill was at a meeting with her translator. Cameron told Cody that he wanted to ask Jill to marry him because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Cody was so happy to hear that from Cameron.


This could have been a brilliant piece of dialogue, and yet it was written like this. I understand there are difficulties considering the main character is deaf, but there are ways and means around it. For example:

'I love you,' Cameron said.
Cody watched the words form on his lips. She must have misread him. She turned to her translator, who smiled and told her what Cameron had said...

That was by no means good, but it serves to illustrate the point that I am trying to make. You are obviously a very talented and imaginative writer, but you need to try and tell a story, not a fact book.

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:56 pm    Post subject: Re: Mother! Please! Reply with quote

Hmm, it's a good idea...

Quote:
Their parents were not sure if it was a good idea for Jill to get involved with Cameron because of her being deaf, Cody thought that it would be a very good idea because then she would not be so isolated from other people.


I think you need to explain why they didn't think it would be a good idea. It seems like such an odd reason for someone not to get involved with someone. Are they afraid of her getting hurt?

Okay, I was going to go through and comment on certain sections but it is all just the same.

Your main problem is that you are telling us too much. Like Sela Locke said there is no dialogue or description it's just full of statements: "He did this," "She did that," Then this happened," "And then this." Do you see what I'm getting at?

I think a good option for you here would be to make one of the characters the narrator. Jill would probably be the best option. That way, you could get into her mind and tell the story from her point of view. We could get to know here feelings and her thoughts and therefore become much more interested in the story. Remember to show and not just tell i.e. not just 'I was sad,' 'I was scared.'

Also, I want some descriptions! What do the characters look like? What does the house look like? Giving us some descriptions will help us get a better idea of Jill's world.

Finally, I think the story is too rushed. In the first paragraph they're not even together and yet a few paragraphs down he is planning to propose! Slow the pace down and develop the characters. Create dialogue between them and help us to understand their personalities and what makes them tick.

I think this story has great potential it's just the writing that's letting it down. Keep going and keep trying because, trust me, you will get better.

Good luck and feel free to PM me. Very Happy

PS: Just so you know, it is a general rule that the ratio of reviews to work is 2 to 1 and you have to have given at least 2 reviews before submitting any work.

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Last edited by Antares on Sun Jun 29, 2008 7:44 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tanker-

Okay. I think the story line is great, however I think you really need to work on sentence structure, chracter development, dialouge. To me- you have written sentences like this:

The dog is brown. The dog likes to run. The dog runs fast.

You need to expand EVERYTHING. DESCRIBE things in detail.

Also... use PRONOUNS. You used all the characters names WAY to much.

There are also a lot of run on sentences you should work on changing.


I really think this could be a good story...but i think you literally need to start from scratch. Instead of trying to change what you have already, start fresh with new ideas of how you can incorporate depth into your characters and dialouge.
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is great so far! I agree with all of the people above. Add more descriptions. Break up the paragraphs. Add dialogue. Like you said with my CSI story, the characters are really flat.

Hankesj is correct about the sentences. It makes me think of the reading books. See Jill run. See Spot run. See Jack jump. See... You get the idea.

Alex

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This thread was created on June 28, 2008

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