KailaMarie
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jul 2008
Posts: 313
Reviews: 36
778 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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wow, that was really creepy!!!
lol. that's scary, but the chatroom was an interesting way to start it.
i didn't really find any errors or anything, so good job, and i'll be waiting for the next part. |
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JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1287
Reviews: 367
Country: USA
1002 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Jare, I have a new deal for you. I'll count the fat boy critique as 1/2, and this as 1/2, and dirt as 1. So you have one left, or two more critiques like this, okay? 'cause on a lot of your stuff, 'specially since it's so short, my critiques are not long at all.
Nit-Picks
| Quote: |
| [Holly_Sock] 11.46 pm: …why? |
Honestly, not many kids care about sharing their names. So this just adds extra 'omigodhesastalker' feeling, which isn't good right off the bat, 'cause it makes Holly seem unreal and stupid.
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| [Holly_Sock] 11:47 pm: why do you want to know? She doesn’t like people giving out her personal information and stuff. |
The age this is really bothering me – people aren't that careful about that. She should be more worried about the name.
| Quote: |
| [Holly_Sock] 11:49 pm: Atlanta, GA. |
Right. She gives this away easily, but not her age???
[Freakazoid] 11:52 pm: Good night. I'd ditch this, just so the next part doesn't sound so odd. It makes the last bit lose all effect.
| Quote: |
| Holly Eva stands by a barbed wire fence. She clutches her coat close to her body. |
Maybe add ', shivering.' Just 'cause the same structure is boring here.
Overall Comments
*Gold star*
I skimmed the original a long time ago, and this is a huge improvement, Jare. Good job!
This could be extended to something longer, but you tend to love short things, don't you, Jare? But if you wanted, you could build the life around her, make it so we really believe that the guy meeting her is just a friend, etc. Make the murder really be a mystery.
I'll look forward to the next bits. Actually, you asked for a critique on part two, so that will probably count as 1/2, as will part three, so there are your three critiques for getting third in my Side Characters contest. XD
PM me for anything, or hit me up on MSN.
~JFW1415 |
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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