Topic ID: 32220
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
kris
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: Lamentations of an unwilling heart. |
 |
|
I found you in fondest fields,
Now long since tired of dancing.
In the midst of your perfection,
I dream I am a bird.
Singing your exhaled name.
But stand in mute.
In the light of your love,
I dream of drinking deep,
From your heart, revelling.
But I go parched.
In the shadows of your tears,
I dream I might be like Christ.
Taking on your suffering.
But I am like stone.
Oh supreme lover!
Let me be better than I am. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Luvzi12
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 79
Reviews: 39
892 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked this, particuarly the rythm.
I'm sorry I have no criticism! I really enjoyed it! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
alleycat13
Now a working, tax-paying citizen
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 27 Jul 2007
Posts: 332
Reviews: 95
Country: USA, in the middle of a mitten
319 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
Very cool. Content-wise, I can't say much, except to wonder who the speaker is appealing to in the last stanza.--->
| Quote: |
Oh supreme lover!
Let me be better than I am. |
Is it the object of his\her love or is the aforementioned Christ?
The first stanza throws me for a loop. Why is it shorter than the others? I think, as the intro, that it should be the same as the prevailing structure. One might also ask that of the last stanza,but that one seems fine to me.
| Quote: |
But stand in mute. |
This also bothers me. Why does this line have no subject while the other fourth lines read "But I...."? I would add in a "But I..."
I think if you edit those small inconsistencies that then you will have a truly solid poem. |
_________________
Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Wojovox
Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 65
Reviews: 44
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Exceptional.
good word usage, I would like more imagery though. out of greed. The poem had a relaxing feel to it. something I would like to find in a book of poetry while sitting lakeside with the sun going down. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Nicolette
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 9
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I thought this was a generally good poem, better than average, so I don't have *that* much crit, yet I did see somethings that kind of bothered me:
| Quote: |
In the midst of your perfection,
I dream I am a bird.
Singing your exhaled name.
But stand in mute. |
-I think the last line sounds a little odd. Maybe "But I stand mutely"? I don't know, but it just doesn't seem correct to me.
| Quote: |
Oh supreme lover!
Let me be better than I am. |
-This is a great ending, by the way. It's my favorite in the whole poem.  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
