Topic ID: 32201
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Mongie Moyo
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Age: 14
Joined: 27 Jun 2008
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 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:45 pm Post subject: Black |
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Pain and sorrow,
Hurt and remorse,
Anger and loss,
Is this the conception of black?
The hearts of the wicked,
The soul of Lucifer himself,
The color of my skin,
Where resides black?
Evil's faithful cloak,
Emptiness which no man should bear,
Yet beauty and class beyond Orion,
Shall death not swallow death?
No emotion no feeling,
No movement no sound,
No word no language,
Can overcome what is black.  |
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Writing for love is a pas
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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Whoa. This was really dark. I think that you described the definition of black!
Your use of words is really very good. The second stanza was my favorite.
I think that your poem brought new brightness to black, if you know what I mean.
Good job, and keep writing.
Oh, and welcome to YWS.
_-Writing for love is a passion_- or ~Lexie~ |
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kris
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Country: UK
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly: WELCOME TO YWS! woop! i hope you enjoy it here.
Secondly: I liked your poem quite a bit, it had a lot of emotional investment; which really came through and made a difference.
I liked your imagery and use of vocabulary - very appropriate choices made.
However. i do think you would do well, to think you would do well to rethink your structure. It doesn't flow or give any rhythm.
Other than that.
Well done 
x
kris |
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Tatra
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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I like this poem, how it's searching for a definition of a very tricky word. But, before I go onto my review, I'd like to remind you of the two to one rule. The 2:1 rule says that one should review 2 pieces of writing before posting 1 piece of their own. If you quickly go out and review two pieces, no one will mind.
As I said, I like how your poem is searching for the meaning of the word black and looking at all things labeled black. I think you did a very good job with this poem.
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Pain and sorrow;
Hurt and remorse;
Anger and loss.
Is this the conception of black?
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I like this line, listing the emotions attached to 'black.' I think that the commas might be better off as semicolons, as each line is its own separate thought. Then, I think the ending punctuation of the third line makes more sense as a period. I also think that the first underline should be plural, 'are these...'
I also think that the last line doesn't quite fit that stanza. You go from short lines to one long line, with a long word in the middle.
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The hearts of the wicked;
The soul of Lucifer himself;
The color of my skin.
Where resides black?
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Again, I think the punctuation could be semicolons and a period. I really love the second line in this stanza, though. And, I like how you slip in the question of race, without overpowering the poem. But, again, I'm not too keen on your choice of words. Maybe: 'Where does black reside?'
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Evil's faithful cloak;
Emptiness which no man should bear;
Yet beauty and class beyond Orion.
Shall death not swallow death?
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Again with the semicolons and period at the end of the third line. I like the lines of this stanza, though, and how you deviate from always ending the stanza on black. Although, I'm not so sure about the 'Orion' part. It sort of fits, but I don't know.
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No emotion, no feeling,
No movement, no sound,
No word, no language
Can overcome what is black. |
This is the only stanza where I really had problems with the grammar. I mean, commas instead of semicolons and periods are all right, but this stanza does need some punctuation. I think, at this part, it could either be commas or semicolons. But, I like this conclusion, how it draws the whole idea of the poem together.
All in all, I really do like this poem. I like how it goes through and defines black, while questioning what black truly is. Then, I like how it concludes that black is black, and there's nothing we can really do about it. It is what it is.
Good luck with your poetry! |
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Schemilix
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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OH! I like this a lot! Very original concept, and good usage of repetition on the ending lines. I take it you like the colour black?
The ending line is maybe a little bit... Mmm, what's a word... Blunt? It snaps off a bit fast, sort of makes you start a little instead of round up the overall feeling of the poem.
Despite that, I like your imagery a lot, and as I said the concept's brilliant. Never would have thought of it. : D Very good work! |
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LilyReagan
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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You are supposed to review before you post anything, so your review:post ratio is 2:1.
No matter.
This is a very dark poem. Especially if you are already sad. *shivers*
I guess that was part of the whole point. To give people shivers? It worked, honey, it did.
In the last stanza, Tatra is right.
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No emotion, no feeling,
No movement, no sound,
No word, no language
Can overcome what is black. |
The "no emotion, no feeling" part is a teensy bit repetative, but it passes unnoticed when not critiquing.
It's..nice isn't really a good work, huh? Well written. That's it!
~Lily~ |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:55 am Post subject: |
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Wow. A good poem. Good usage of words. From this I can tell that you don't really like black...don't you (just kidding  )
Anyway, good job! Keep up!
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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This is a very effective poem. I particularly liked the contrast between the first two stanzas and then "Yet beauty and class beyond Orion". I normally don't like questions in poems a lot, but the ones you used here were very good, especially "shall death not swallow death".
I was impressed by this =] I like the way you search for an answer and then in the end don't really try and find a definitive result, that means that the reader can figure it out for themselves after reading. You managed the dark images and subject matter very well, it didn't seem whiny or forced.
Your poetic voice is very original. |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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Wow!!! Just Wow! I really really really enjoyed this poem. Wow..that is all I can put it. When I was reading this, it made me think hard and long. When you look in the dictionary and lookup the word "black", they describe it as a sign of evil. I totally disagree. I think black is beautiful. The strange thing about it is that black is in fact not a color. But that is beside the point. I'm black and I think I am fine!!!(kidding) Anyway, great job and keep up the good work. Peace  |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry. I meant to say welcome to the young writers society!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       I'm Brooke aka blacktiger. Like a said before, great poem for a newbie! But make sure that before you post anymore good poems or stories than you review at least two other stories and/or poems. Anyway best wishes in the near future and I really look forward to reading your upcoming works. Peace and happiness |
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NightmareMoon
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I loved how you used all of the conceptions of what "black" should be. I also enjoy how the poem did not rhyme, but that's just a personal thing. Good and dark. |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:45 am Post subject: not bad |
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When I first started writing it seemed everthing I wrote was dark.
I know that darkness within poetry becomes a very creative source.
I would like incorporation of what black truely is----The absence of colour. |
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Bookmarker
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 3:09 pm Post subject: reply |
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That poem was really good!  I loved all of the black things you could think of! I didn't understand the ending though.  This was the first post that i have seen with an emoticon. The emoticon was confusing too. Why was the face confused? |
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powerofwords2008
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: Re: Black |
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| Mongie Moyo wrote: |
Evil's faithful cloak,
Emptiness which no man should bear,
Yet beauty and class beyond Orion,
Shall death not swallow death?
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powerofwords2008
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: Black |
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| i like this piece and the way you cover not only black as a color, but also its archetypal role. however, i feel as though there might be something missing from the piece. but overall i like this piece. |
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