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Girls just wana' have fun
Girls just wana' have fun

by kris in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on June 26, 2008
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1.25 Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions: Falice Wo
Thomas & Falice (Collection) 1

Falice + Moonlight Inn 3
Topic ID: 32180
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EliteHusky   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:09 pm    Post subject: Falice + Moonlight Inn 3 Reply with quote

Falice adjusted his silk-white mask as he lay on the inn’s bed. His fingers riddled against the curves he had created to replace his torn face.

“Markov!” he called as he heard a door swing open.

The answering voice was low and resenting. "What do you require of me now?"

“Has Olle been paid?” Falice said bleakly.

“Why don’t you go and see for yourself,” Markov replied grinning as he stared down at his blind comrade.

Suddenly the windows blew open with a gust of wind as moonlight leaked onto Falice’s face encasing the mask partially in its glaze.

“For what it’s worth,” he replied almost comically rising to his undamaged feet, “that wasn’t a very good joke”.

Falice Woodsworth had been practicing to control his hot head but with a Swedish stooge tempting him unpredictably, he was relishing the challenge. It had taken some time to convince the innkeeper Olle to let them rest for the night and with a companion whose name was Markov Västervik and whose relation with the innkeeper was almost as that of a distant cousin, Markov had proven himself useful and in a few minutes a room had been secured.

Upon the lonely inn overlooking a far but not unreachable and certainly not barren forest landscape jewelled with a loch within, Falice stared up at the moonlight while his friend slept on a side of the feeble bed. He considered it to be feeble not because material or colour or even the small size, but because it brought back foreign memories, memories of his childhood cabin. At the age of twenty-seven he had lost a vital sense, his sight. For all he knew it had somewhat enhanced his other senses but he could still tell light from dark. He planned to return to Bagintons Academy, but no, not to continue his education. He had had enough of that already. He would exact of his revenge towards the creature that scarred him but to find it, he would have to visit the Kelp Garden.



Last edited by EliteHusky on Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:15 pm; edited 2 times in total
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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there...

This was great, but much too short. I was cut short just as I was getting into it! Add a little more, enough to get the reader hooked so that they'll eagerly await the next installment. As is, it is kind of forgettable in that we haven't had enough time to get attached to any characters.

Quote:
His fingers riddled against the curves

I've never heard "riddled" being used as a verb like that. I've heard of something being "riddled with holes," but I don't think it's meant to be used as a verb that way. Perhaps a different word, like "slid" or "rubbed", would be a better choice.

Quote:
“Markov!” he called as he heard a door swing open.

This needs to be its own paragraph.

Quote:
“What do you require of me now,” came the low resenting voice.

This is done correctly, but without the question mark, it doesn't have the same feeling of questioning. Perhaps a reword is in order.

"The answering voice was low and resenting. 'What do you require of me now?'"

When writing a question in dialogue, I find it best to word it so that the question mark can remain in, even though correct punctuation dictates it would disappear if you were using a dialogue tag. Otherwise, it looks like the sentence is a statement and it can mess the reader up. The easiest way to keep it in is just to put the tag in front (like I did above), skip it entirely, or word it different.

Ex. "What is your problem?" Ed was furious.

You get the question mark, the reader knows it is Ed talking and everyone is happy...

Quote:
Falice stated more than asked.

I didn't really understand this. He didn't "state more than asked", he just didn't answer it directly. Instead, he asked another question by way of answer. In that sense, I think this sentence could be completely deleted with no ill effects.

Quote:
“Why don’t you go and see for yourself?” Markov smiled, staring down at his blind comrade.

You can't really used "smiled" as a dialogue tag, since people can't really smile their words. And, in this way, you can still fit the question mark in.

Quote:
“For what it’s worth,” he replied almost comically, rising to his undamaged feet, “That wasn’t a very good joke”.

This needs to be its own paragraph, since it starts with a new line of dialogue by a new character.

Quote:
Falice Woodsworth had been practicing to control his hot head but with a Swedish stooge tempting him unpredictably, he was relishing the challenge. It had taken some time to convince the innkeeper Olle to let them rest for the night and with a companion whose name was Markov Västervik and whose relation with the innkeeper was almost as that of a distant cousin, Markov had proven himself useful and in a few minutes a room had been secured.


'k, this paragraph was funky. You say that Falice is hotheaded, but all we see him as is carefully controlled. You do say here that he is working on it, but since the reader hasn't seen it for themselves, they are disinclined to believe you. This is a prime example of telling, rather than showing. A better strategy would be to have him lose his temper with Markov (or almost) and then control himself. Then you can have the little bit explaining that he is working on it and that Markov is quite the challenge.

The whole spiel about Olle, while relevant to their conversation, becomes suddenly irrelevant after the bit about Falice controlling his temper. Move it up so that it is the first thing the reader reads after their conversation so that they still are thinking about Olle and his payment, rather than Falice and his temper.

Also, in the beginning, Falice thinks of Markov as a stooge, but then later in the paragraph, he concedes to his usefulness.

The whole thing seems a little out of wack. I would get rid of the temper note and put it in when it is a bit more relevant (maybe have Falice begin to react to Markov's needling about being blind and then calm down and you can mention he's working on his temper, then you can have the whole Olle bit afterwards...)

Quote:
Upon the lonely inn overlooking a far but not unreachable and certainly not barren forest landscape jewelled with a loch within, Falice stared up at the moonlight while his friend slept on a side of the feeble bed. He considered it to be feeble not because material or colour or even the small size, but because it brought back foreign memories, memories of his childhood cabin. At the age of twenty-seven he had lost a vital sense, his sight. For all he knew it had somewhat enhanced his other senses but he could still tell light from dark. He planned to return to Bagintons Academy, but no, not to continue his education. He had had enough of that already. He would exact of his revenge towards the creature that scarred him but to find it, he would have to visit the Kelp Garden.


This bit was just a big infodump. I would just talk about his blindness and how he wants revenge, but I wouldn't go into the rest of his past (the academy, etc.) until later, when it is relevant.

I was confused by the beginning sentence of this paragraph. It sounded a bit like a first sentence to a story, when the story has already begun. And since when is Markov his friend? I had the impression that he was a stooge/valet or something. And is it really important for the reader to know that he grew up in a cabin?

A whole heap of questions in that last paragraph. I'd cut it and rewrite the stuff that is in it later in the story when it becomes important. Otherwise, right now, it just comes off as being an infodump for the sake of being an infodump. It didn't flow very well with the rest of the story.

And speaking of the rest of the story, I loved it. I don't know why, but it was very intriguing. The dialogue was great and I liked what little I saw of the characters.

My advice: work out those last two paragraphs, make it longer and write more! I want to know where this is going!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

P.S. Ha... After writing out this whole long review, I scroll up to the top once more and realize that there are related items to this post. Is this a continuation of something? It appears to be the beginning, but how would I know? A suggestion, if it is (along with whatever else you have written) is to number the sections so that the reader knows what part they are on. I hate it when I read a great book, only to find out is the second of the trilogy or something afterwards because the cover didn't advertise it enough. It kinda ruins it for me personally.

Peace out...

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mikedb1492   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, but I have to say that it was too short, and didn't really do much to inform me about your story. It was, however, written well enough for me to finish.

Quick question: I've read one or two of the other Thomas Pinewood things, and I'm not sure about something. Are they all part of the same story? It's just kind of hard for me to follow when they all have different names. I'd suggest you just put things like Thomas Pinewood ch.1, Thomas Pinewood Ch.2, etc. It's just easier, because I became interesed a while ago, but am not sure where to look.

That's all I've got to say, so good luck with this.

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