Topic ID: 32179
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Sinkingtooslow
Junior Writer
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Country: The Moon
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:01 pm Post subject: Linda |
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Through the window's glass,
from under florescent light,
watching the trees grow.
Clock hands twisting 'round.
Quietly changing its hues:
Nature turns again.
Still she calls to us,
declaring the sky is blue
but knows not the shade. |
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kris
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:25 pm Post subject: Re: Linda |
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Something about this poem, sits very well with me. It has a very charming innocence that is not hammered home again and again - which so many poems do; to irksome effect.
My favorite line was:
[quote="Sinkingtooslow"]
declaring the sky is blue
quote]
I don't know, but i could imagine a child, stating such a thing with absolute conviction that nobody else had noticed before them. Very cute  made me laugh.
I only thought that some of your rhymes were a little basic - but this could easily be what gave the poem it's "je ne c'est qoui?"
very well done.
thanks for a crackin' read.
Kris
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clueless
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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Very nicely written! I too really like this one. I think it makes a really good mental picture, maybe one that's a little different for everyone.
-Through the window's glass,
from under florescent light,
watching the trees grow.-
This was my favorite part of your poem. I love the part about florescent light. I imagine it to be stars or the moon, and maybe even if you meant that there were lights on in the house its still a nice touch. again with the whole different pictures.
all in all that was amazing. keep posting!
-M.J.- |
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I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
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Samsal
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:14 pm Post subject: |
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not bad it was cool to read. it didnt really bring out much emotion from me but it is still great. i do like it alot and i think that you can create much more. it is very different what poeple are used to but i think that's what's great about it.  |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: |
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| Um, wow, I didn't think it rhymed at all... does it? It was a haiku that I wrote in the middle of Lit class because we were talking about Haikus.... Glad y'all liked it though. |
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Bookmarker
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: Reply |
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I didn't really understand this at all. Who's Linda  What's wrong with not knowing the shade of the sky Why is time passing by so quickly I could ask more questions but it wouldn't really help. You should just work on this post more. More detail.  |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry you didn't like it, but I won't be revising this poem anymore. It is as it should be. It reflects a specific incident, but it is rather vague (it's a haiku) and it can be more than that specific incident. I like it. Sorry you didn't. Maybe someday you will relate. |
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Icaruss
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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Piece of Advice: don't try to justify an explain your work, or apologize when someone doesn't like it. There will always be people who like it and people who don't. All you can do is try and write the best things you can write. Yeah. And use the criticism to make it better. And use hybrid cars.
This was fantastic, by the way. Nice. You can read it and it feels pleasant, which is exactly the kind of feeling I'm looking for in a poem. Linda is never mentined, but nevertheless present. Your words are vague, but they work nicely. Sometimes is better to give the reader a general feeling and mood, and let him picture the rest, than to pain an actual picture. I liked it a lot. Good job. |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 9:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the advice, but no thanks. I'm not "justifying" my work, I like my work, and I'm always open to advice for my poems, but I reserve the right to be happy with what I've got. I can apologize if I want, because that's who I am, I've come across many people over the years who do not like my work, I accept that. So, a piece of advice, Icaruss, critique my poem, not me. |
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gazdemon
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:30 pm Post subject: |
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I am a real nature freak, so I loved this. The parallel between the seasons and twisting clock hands, it is very vivid.
...I would have liked it to be a bit longer because it was so lovely. |
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idle muse
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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| I am going to confess that the poem didn't really do anything for me. I didn't particularly understand it, and it didn't grip me at all. However, please don't take this personally. I am not trying to be mean, and from a technical point of view it was very good indeed, with nice use of punctuation. It is a good poem, I just personally didn't like it. But still, good job, keep up the good work! |
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Sinkingtooslow
Junior Writer
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Country: The Moon
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you for you comments and thanks for reading my poem. Don't worry if you didn't like it. |
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