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Bookmarker
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: Aliens! |
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I tried to scream out again but nothing came out of my mouth. The strange two beings with humongous eyes and long teeth dripping with...I don't want to know were closing in on my body with shiny surgical tools. The problem was that I didn't need surgery. I tried to squeeze out of the tight straps around my arms and legs again but it was no use. The aliens already grabbed my head and pulled it to look up at the silver ceiling of their spacecraft with their slimy hands. Suddenly there was a loud beeping noise and the aliens let go of my head and went to a desk at the bottom of my stretcher. The desk had beeping lights and twirling gadgets.
One of the aliens shouted, "Code red! What's happening?"
A third alien that was already at the desk quickly said, "Our computers are suffering from the ship going at light-speed! We're going to lose the specimen!"
I didn't know what Bill Nye the Science Guy over there was talking about when he said "lose", but it didn't sound good. That reminded me. How are these aliens speaking English? I had no idea. The slimy creatures started running around frantically and all of a sudden, everything went dark.
I died! Oh no!
"Wake up!" a voice shouted angrily.
"Wake up!" I heard it again.
It was the aliens! They brought me back to life! I couldn't believe it! I opened my eyes with a flourish but saw my mom shouting "Wake up!" for the third time. It was all a dream. The aliens. The dying. Everything that went wrong that night. Well, maybe. I got out of my bed and looked in the backyard through my window. The tree was still knocked over and our shed looked as if it had imploded. There was a colossal spot of burned grass still there too. The aliens DID come and it WASN'T a dream. I DIDN'T die. My mom persisted, "Come on! Let's get moving! We've got a lot of cleaning to do!" I looked back down in the yard to see the mess and gasped. Who could clean up a mess like that?
I wish I would've died after all. |
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Last edited by Bookmarker on Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:52 am; edited 1 time in total |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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*squee* Bill Nye the Science Guy! I love that man...
*ahem* Anyway, about your story:
This could really use some revised formatting. As is, it is all one big block of text that is annoying beyond belief to read. Divide it up into some paragraphs and suddenly it will be so much more pleasant to read.
The aliens speak English? Why's that? I know we want the human audience to know what they are saying, but I think it actually highly unlikely that extraterrestrial life will speak English in everyday conversation. Maybe the MC has a translator of some sort? But then again, it sounds like they are being considered a microscope-slide-type specimen, so I doubt that the aliens would be so considerate as to translate. Forgive my rant, it just seems a little happily coincidental that the aliens speak English so that the MC knows what is going on.
However, on that note, I wasn't really sure what was going on. You jumped right into the action in the beginning, and everything was so jammed together in the aforementioned block of text that it was really hard to follow events. And everything happened really fast. How did the MC get captured? What caused the mess in the yard? You mentioned the tree having fallen down, but what kind of mess is that?
You need a bit more description in the piece. How does the MC feel about being in this alien ship? I would assume they would be panicked. How does it feel to be dying, other than things going dark? Did they feel like they were dying, or was this revelation a shock?
Anyway, this seemed like it could be good, but it was so barebones and moved so fast that I didn't have time to grab hold of anything or care about the character at all. Take your time, take the reader through the story. Tell us how the MC ended up in this predicament. Put the reader through their experiences and make us care...
Good luck!
~GryphonFledgling |
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GML
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: |
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Feel free to disregard anything I say. You're the author in the end. 
Okay. I don't want to line by line nitpicks right now, cause I don't feel like it, so I'll just make you a listy-poo of things to improve.
1) Big block of text. That's a no-no in and of itself. It's hard to read, all the dialogue is embedded--it just doesn't look like a story...at all.
2) Rushing. Yes, you proved it was possible that you can tell a story in that short a piece. But no, you did not do it well I'm sorry to say. It felt rushed, it was rushed, and you could expand it to spread out hte time. Naturally finding a pace and a sense of time for your stories comes with practice. So of course, write a lot!
3) Originality. To me, this plot had nothing new. It was all old news, all classic alien story. Even the almost "It was all a dream" thing was cliche. Try to characterize your main character, make your aliens distinct, make this story YOURS. Otherwise, it will be lumped in with all the others of its type.
4) Gripping images. You have images in this piece, such as the dripping fangs (or wahtever you said) but they aren't quite gripping. You need to find original wordings, original descriptions--otherwise we will all be like "Oh. Aliens. Cool." This will also help with the showing instead of telling. (which is something else you are having a bit o' trouble with..I won't touch on this right now)
Those are just a few things I noticed. Touch it up and you'll have a great story!
Good luck!
GML |
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Aneke
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:46 am Post subject: |
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Well, I guess I'm going to be the oddball and beg to differ on the big-block-o'-text opinion. I know it's an English-class no-no. But I quite like it here. The thing is, it enforces the rush. Which I also liked.
Honestly, because the subject matter of the story is rather run-of-the-mill, the thing that makes it so much fun, and the reason I laughed myself silly at it, is the way it's told. I love the fact that the aliens not only speak English, but they're yelling "code red".
This was hilarious to me. I love how dry this little story is.
However, there are a few things I would adjust, namely the last few sentences. The all-caps are unnecessary. And instead of Who could clean up that much? - Who could clean up a mess like that?
Overall I liked this a lot. Its strength is in the fact that it breaks every rule in the book. |
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Fael57
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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The alien theme is a bit cliche, and so is the terrifying aliens doing surgery on the helpless specimen (Gag). What this story needs is ORIGINALITY. You need to bring some new ideas in and use them. Also, this story needs to be at least three times as long with a lot more details to be interesting. I felt rushed.
"I DIED! OH NO!"   |
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Wang Chung
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 3:25 pm Post subject: |
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I HATE "And then I woke up" endings!
Also, the story needs alot more description, and try for some originality. Aliens abducting someone and performing experiments on them... Come on!
The story did have it quirks, however, like when your character said "I died. Oh no!" and your character's last line about having to clean up the mess and saying, "I wish I would've died after all."
Actually, I think that line should be changed to "I wish I had been abducted by aliens after all." I think that would be more humorous.
Overall, needs some work, but it did have it's moments. |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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Very interesting...it's a different topic sort-of. At least, not many people I know write about their nightmares where they're having surgery done by aliens.
There's probably critiquing to be done, but I'm not really going to critique. Personally, I loved this short story. It was fun to read, and surprisingly the suspense kept me on the edge of my chair. Not really, but I found it very fun to read.
Keep Writing! |
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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there were a few moments in this that were semi-funny...if you intended it to be that way...if not...just forget i said that...
anyhow, this was lacking originality other than the humor...
i was kind of confused by the whole, it was a dream. i'm alive. oh, wait, i have to go clean up the mess that the alien space ship left in my backyard.
yeah...i'm kind of slow on those types of things..
anyhow, this was alright...
hope to see more of your work when you get back from Europe...
-GC10 |
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Syte
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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| It seems very lighthearted. Probably could make a good children's book, from what I read. But they're right, it is cliched. Find a way to twist the cliches. The cliches would be, as mentioned, "it was all a dream," and the surgery part. I also thought that the aliens speaking in English was very farfetched. Yes, they may "know" how to speak Engish, but they'd never use it in every day conversation, at least not for any obvious reason I'm aware of. Then again, it's only a dream sequence. I'm wondering why he even had that dream in the first place. Is it a recurring dream? I think it's foreshadowing. |
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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syte, bookmarker's in europe right now and can't answer...
but he's my twin brother...and therefore, we have telepathic...links...or something.
so i'll answer for him:
"If you properly read/understood the piece, you would know that the whole point is that the events that occured were indeed not a dream and actually happened. Hence the narrator thinking in the end (upon seeing the mess outside--caused by the alien spaceship landing) quote; 'The aliens DID come and it WASN'T a dream.' end quote."
that was stated as my brother would probably say it.
so, there you go.
-GC10 |
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Henry
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: |
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| I concur with Wang Chun and gamechanger, The ending area was bad because it was one of those deus ex machina's that writers use all too much. Just a quick way to end everything. I think it shows a spot of laziness for the writers as well. The reason I agree with gamechanger is because I could definitely seeing my brother enjoy this, a lot. He likes books like this. I could also see kids who would practice reading with a book like that. |
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Jahn-Xealios
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Well it isnt a bad little story it just seems your starting off in the middle of a book! I dont know if that is what you intended or not but you should always have some kind of begining that explains a bit of what is going on. Well at least that is my opinion, im not a pro so you dont ahve to listen to me intently. |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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| *chuckle* |
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chaplin90
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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| That was a fun little story, not to sound patronising of course. It had a good narrative and some nice ideas. Like some of the others I feel that maybe it could be revised and I think it could do with being a little longer but still a great little story, well done! |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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The story was really short and very little decribed.
But it was nevertheless,humorous.see,
You made it sound like as if you dropped dead everyday.
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| I wish I would've died after all. |
Change it to "I wish I was dead after all."
Please,make more less abrupt.Let it flow smoothly so that it makes more readable.
And describe everything more.I didn't get a chance to make a picture in my mind.
Good luck. |
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