Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Grand Avenue
Grand Avenue

by Teague in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on June 26, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Jasmine's Death

Topic ID: 32174
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
gamechanger10   View This User's Portfolio
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist

81
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:51 pm    Post subject: Jasmine's Death Reply with quote

okay, so this is an excerpt from a book that i wrote earlier this year. its the second to last chapter...i hope its not too confusing...

--------------------

John stuck out the flat edge of his blade. Jasmine tripped over it and fell into the snow. Guessing, she rolled--with force--in one direction. She ran into John's legs and kept rolling. He crashed forward into the blanket of white.

Jasmine got to her feet, but John--still on the ground--cut into her leg. She remained calm, and tried to work around it (unsuccessfully).

John laughed at her efforts as he stood. Mumbling incomprehensibly to himself, he lunged forward, but stopped before he could go more than a foot. An invisibe force knocked Jasmine back against a wall. She hit her head painfully hard and then collapsed in the snow.

This all happened just as Ancion entered the alley. Fueled by anger and fear, he ran up and swung his sword out at John. He easily defended himself. Before either of them could spring another attack, an arrow whizzed by Ancion's ear and lodged into John's shoulder. He hesitated; surprised.

Sensing his distraction, Ancion stabbed him in the stomach. John slid backward off the blade--his blood staining the snow.

Putting down his bow, Joshua helped Keara and Ala gather up the rest of the enemy knights.

Of the original six hundred fifty people that had fought for them, Joshua counted roughly around sixty survivors (with no or minor injuries). Twenty of them took the enemy captives back to camp, while the other forty tended to the wounded.

---

Ancion struggled to keep Jasmine in consciousness as another remaining troop made an attempt to stop her bleeding.

Jasmine's eyes were open (though she could not see). She knew who was near her. She knew that they had won. And she knew that she was going to die. She felt the cold, wet snow falling onto her face and cushioning the ground beneath her. She knew that she should feel cold and shivering in the freezing temperatures. But she didn't. For the first time in a long time, she felt relatively relaxed.

Ancion held her head in his hands and whispered to her.

"Give it a rest, Ancion." Jasmine muttered. "There's...Nothing you can do..."

He shook his head--tears welling up in his eyes. "You're not going to die, Jasmine. I promise you; you won't die."

"You know...It's not your promise to make..." she sighed. "And I promise you...That I'll die...And you'll move on in your life..."

Ancion was about to say something, but she stopped him. "You're going...To be a great king, Ancion..." Jasmine slowly lifted her hand and drew something in the snow beside her.

Ancion didn't look at it--he kept his focus on Jasmine as tears cascaded down his cheeks.

"I can't go on without you..." he told her softly--his hand shaking as he brushed a piece of hair away from her face.

"Death...is the end of one person...the living...must go on..." Jasmine smiled lightly in a sad, apologetic manor. She stiffened and closed her eyes--the lines of fear and pain smoothing away.

Ancion held her tightly in his arms. He looked through tears at where her hand lay in the snow--right next to the symbols she had drawn. He understood immediately and a wave of depression enveloped around him. Ancion brought Jasmine's body closer to him still and pressed his forehead to hers as he whispered brokenly what she had written in the snow; "Ninety-two."

----------

92 is an inside thing that you'd only understand if you read the book...


_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
hobbes   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

60
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 54
Reviews: 60
Country: i can not say that.It would comprimise our agents in the field
314 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

honestly? that's how she goes? one man killed her? I think that after all shes been through she should've fought five people and killed them all, ignoring the pain searing through her body till at the very end after she'd givin the last death bearing blow.

but still, sweet!

ummmmm...............now for the critique!

first, describe where they are. Is the alley light or dark? happy or creepy?

second, the line " he crashed into the blanket of white" makes it seem like it didn't hurt him one bit. it should be more like " he crashed into the cold hard snow"

take it or leave it. post the next chapter please!!!

from- me!

_________________
if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too.

he who laughs last, has a slow mind.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Bookmarker   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

24
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 364
Reviews: 24
Country: USA
917 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply Reply with quote

Wow-E P-zowie! Very Happy That was a totally awesome tidbit of your book. It made me want to cry, Crying or Very sad laugh, and cry again . I think that you shouldn't describe the letter 92 as a "pattern". It's a number. It was really violent and actiony. I don't get why that Jasmine girl died. All she did was fall in the snow. Is she really weak or is her death mysterious and unexplained? :thud: You should totally write a happy piece Very Happy though 'cause all your stories are DEATH! I don't know why you rated it PG-13 though because The Lion King and Finding Nemo have death but they're G. Also, death is... the ciiiiiiiiiiiirclllllllllle of llllllliiiiiiiiiffffffffe.

_________________
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

-Dr. Anonymous
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
clueless   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

35
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 106
Reviews: 35

409 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow. that's actually decent. i totally agree with mark's blanket of snow thing... it sounds too comforting. i think you described her death really well, and, unlike mark i don't think the setting matters. i was too into it to care what it looked like.... it didnt really matter.


-mary-

_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Annirene   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 25 Jun 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 3
Country: America
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved the story and would love to read the whole thing!
I don't think you need to tell what the setting is right there. It should go before this so it doesn't take away from what's happening. We know that its snowy and that there's a wall that she hits her head on.
I don't really understand the
...John--still on the ground--cut into her leg. She remained calm, and tried to work around it (unsuccessfully).
is she working around the pain? his blade? what?
Was she unsuccessful at staying calm or getting around it?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
It's elementary...
Speaker of the Forum

471
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 810
Reviews: 471
Country: Baker Street
650 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was a little hard for me to get into, but I think it was partially because it was an excerpt and I hadn't had the entire book to get used to these character and learn to love them.

My biggest critique is of the parentheses. They really didn't seem necessary where you had them. In most of the cases, you could take them out, leaving the words as they are and they would work fine. They took away from the work.

Ninety-two, eh? *waggles eyebrows* Mysterious, is it? I'd like to get the inside thing. Would you post more of this?

You do a bit of POV skipping around. In the beginning, it is Jasmine's POV, then Ancion's, then Jasmine's, then Ancion's again. It is a bit confusing and not at all consistent. A better choice would be to pick one POV and stick with it, or make sure you clearly divide when their POV starts and ends. Something

***

like that would work very well, along with

_________

something like that. It just clears up possible confusion.

Anyway, this was pretty good. I think it should be made a little more clear just what it was that killed Jasmine. Was it the clunk on the head, or was there something else before this excerpt began? As is, it almost seems as though she just fell down and suddenly she is dying. A little confusing...

*thumbs up* Keep on writin'!

~GryphonFledgling

_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me

Jareth/Sarah shipper...

Kickin' butt and not stopping to take wordcount. NaNo 2008! Read my novel here!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Scorpia   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

26
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 26
Country: USA, GA
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Add more detail, what pain was she feeling, where is she at. Things like that. It was not too confusing, since I have not read the rest of the story I do not know who the characters are. Jasmine was like a hard fighter I think. She went down kind of easy, or it seemed that way to me.

With all that snow they must of been kinda cold. Since they are rolling around in it and all, lol.

It was kind of confusing when I'm trying to remember who's POV I'm in now. You get a paragrapth about one character then skip to another. I think it should stay with one character as long as it can before moving it to another character.

It was pretty good. Smile

Scorpia

_________________
"Affliction comes to us, not to make us sad but sober; not to make us sorry but wise."
Beecher, Henry Ward

"You grow up on the day you have a first real laugh at, youself."
Ethel Barrymore
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger
horsez919   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

28
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was awesome. I know I didn't read the whole thing, but who is John?? Maybe I didn't get far enough into the story yet, because I only got to chapter 20 or so, but..yeah. Smile Overall, I loved it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kayay123   View This User's Portfolio
New Member


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved how she died. You did really well with that part as well with John's death. That was the interesting part.
I however agree that the "falling into a blanket of white snow" doesn't make it seem very dramatic. It need a bit more.
The ending was very good and I really enjoyed it. You did very well
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Gabe   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

12
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Jul 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 12

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 1:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know everybody has already told you this but I'm gonna tell you it again just to get on your nerves.falling into a white blanket of snow doesn't fit the mood.
Also, you should tell everybody that jasmine is blind, because i think people were kinda gettin confused.
i agree with mark, a description of the setting is always important. It gives the reader a feel of what it would be like.

"He hesitated; surprised.
Sensing his distraction, Ancion stabbed him in the stomach."
I don't think you need the "sensing his distraction" part. If someone got shot in the shoulder i would sense his distraction too.

And what do you mean by, "an invisible force knocked jasmine back" what invisible force. over all that whole fight is a little confusing.

but that's looking on the negative side. overall it's a great piece.

PS Ya know that whole idea about making the sequel about Will the main book and making this a side book. I'm not a fan of that idea

_________________
"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" - Paul the apostle
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
gamechanger10   View This User's Portfolio
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist

81
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
380 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, gabe, i just copied this straight out of my book, so the chapter before is when jasmine looses her sight. and thats when she continues to fight with out vision.

and the description was already taken care of in the previous chapters...

its an exerpt. i wasn't going to change this chapter around just to post it on hear.
this is exactly how i wrote it, and the last few chapters covered most of what you're saying.

and the invisisble force is john. well, johns magic. hes an alchamyst. which was already established in the main battle chapter.


-GC10

_________________
"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
clueless   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

35
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 106
Reviews: 35

409 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 10:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JOCELYN!!!! you need to use this as your writing against Ty. clean it up a lil, revise it and this could be AMAZINGG!!!!

I honestly think this is probably one of my favorite selections out of everything i've ever read from you. that was amazing. But in your competition thing, you'll have to add some other details. sorta explain things and such. with as little words as possible. hah.

_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
syd552   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 14 Sep 2008
Posts: 30
Reviews: 3

300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this wasnt that confsing
hahahahahhahhah^ whoops
whatev


anyway i didnt understand why she died, i think you should change the way she dies and this would be a better story

this is a great chapter btww

keep writing
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 26, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 26, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. - Orson Welles
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society