Topic ID: 32168
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Nolan
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330 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject: Arisen |
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I stare down the barrel;
My eyes start to flood;
What happened to not caring?
Why am I covered in blood?
I'd left it all behind,
But I've begn again.
Should I blow my mind,
Or let the evil in?
I can't think about you;
I might not pull the trigger.
You aren't the person I knew.
The bullet's getting bigger.
I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying and writing this rhyme.
I don't want to be alone
Inside my own prison.
I have broken the drone;
All my dreams have arisen. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan
Last edited by Nolan on Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:22 am; edited 1 time in total |
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bkwrm
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject: |
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Short but powerful. Well done for a well constructed poem 
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| But I've began again. --- Or let the evil in? |
again and in don't rhyme and in the UK we'd say I've begun again I don't know if it's the same in the USA or not though
Kee writing
Bkwrm  |
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ProfessorRabbit
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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Only one thing:
"Dying while writing this rhyme"
The words "while writing" slow down the rhythm of this poem. I'd suggest something like this:
"Dying as I write this rhyme."
That aside, this poem was very well-written. Here's my favorite line:
"Should I blow my mind
Or let the evil in?"
I don't think it's necessary to have commas on the ends of lines in poetry, as the line break suggests everything that the comma does. Oh, and as the previous reviewer stated, "began" should be "begun" in the second line of the second stanza.
I'm not a big poetry buff, but I love when things flow in nice, rhythmic rhymes, and your poem is a perfect example of this. Keep up the good work! |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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Very well done and powerful. A few things that have already been stated, yeah, it should be "begun"...
Also,
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I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying while writing this rhyme.
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That bothers me a bit... Although I am not sure I like the previous poster's solution. Perhaps,
"Dying with this rhyme"? *shrug* Very nice piece of work though! |
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Nolan; welcome to YWS! This poem covers a rather tricky subject. Because of the subject matter, I've bumped the rating to PG-13. Now, let's look at a few things up close:
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I'd left it all behind,
But I've began again.
Should I blow my mind,
Or let the evil in?
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This is very vague; I have no idea what kind of evil it's talking about, or anything about the context. In short, I don't know what's going on, and that makes it hard to really get something out of the poem as a whole.
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I can't think about you;
I might not pull the trigger.
You aren't the person I knew.
The bullet's getting bigger.
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The last line above works well for that stanza because it keeps the action/story moving. It reminds the reader that just because the subject is thinking, doesn't mean that nothing's happening in his present at the same time.
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I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying while writing this rhyme.
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The last line above also works very well because it gives an additional dimension to what's already been discussed. So far, there's the actual action of the subject's present, then there's his thoughts about his situation, then there's his awareness of the present. Each additional reality only serves to strengthen the poem.
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I don't want to be alone
Inside my own prison.
I have broken the drone
And my dreams have arisen. |
I find this to be a pretty ambiguous ending. Has he broken the drone by ending his life, or by reasoning with himself and coming to terms with the world around him? I suppose, all in all it doesn't really matter for the poem's sake which one it is, so long as you as the author know that you've made it ambiguous (if that makes any sense?).
So like I've said, there are some good things happening here! Make sure to take a closer look at the structure as a whole; make sure that verbs are in the right tense, and punctuation is where it ought to be (let me know if you need more help with this; I'd be happy to look it over again!). Also, don't be afraid to break the rhyme scheme. If there's a word that you'd really like to use, go ahead! Good word choice can always trump rhyme; you might even find that this is more suited to free verse than to any kind of structured rhyme. This is a solid beginning but I know you can make it even better!
Happy writing! |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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As always I am blown away by your poetry. You should really think about publishing a poetry book or something because you're amazing. Your poems are short but they are really powerful. You make a big impression with little words and I think that in time there won't be a person who doesn't know your name. I didn't see any grammatical errors or anything so all in all, bravo
Keep writing,
Angel |
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hobbes
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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I gotta agree with those other people."dying while writing this rhyme" just kinda threw me off.
I think you should do as professerrabbit said or just change the line all together.great poem though.I really liked it. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, I've seen that you're new here for a while and I thought I should get my teeth into some of your poetry. You've progressed very well in the short time that you've been here, so kudos!
This didn't particularly strike a chord with me emotionally, probably because I didn't find it wholly original or thought provoking enough to really speak to me. I am going to commend you on the structure and most of the rhyme scheme. I felt like you handled it well and didn't make it much of an issue.
I liked this line:
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| I stare down the barrel; |
It's a good example of showing instead of telling, but I do have to say that the subject was a little tired and the only way you can pull of themes like these is to play around with them a little. Use dramatic irony, use personification. You as the poet have these tools, so why not experiment with them?
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My eyes start to flood; |
I think even saying 'cry' would be better than 'start to flood'. It just seems like you're trying to hard. Use words wisely.
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But I've began again.
Or let the evil in? |
If you had been using near-rhymes to start with, this would have worked. Unfortunately, since you have already established a set scheme, these two end words threw it off. It disturbed the flow, and was a juvenile mistake. Re-work.
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I can't think about you;
I might not pull the trigger.
You aren't the person I knew.
The bullet's getting bigger. |
In my personal experience, short sentences are very dramatic and effective. There were far too many short sentences in this piece. It gave the reader nothing except what sounded like the speaker trying desperately to win our sympathy. In order to win sympathy the poetic voice must be so unaware of itself that the reader can't help but care. The voice in this through the over-use of techniques was self conscious. Good rhyming though.
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I want it all to stop,
Just freeze up time.
I see my blood drop;
Dying while writing this rhyme |
The last sentence in this stanza added nothing to the poem. I would re-work it into something a little more fitting to the theme.
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I don't want to be alone
Inside my own prison.
I have broken the drone
And my dreams have arisen. |
I wasn't a big fan of this ending to be honest. I felt it was weak and did little to hold the already struggling poem together. As Leja says it's very ambiguous, and not in a good way. Try and bring it back to the start and map out your poems before you write. That way, when you come to the ending, things will be more clear for yourself, and more rewarding to us.
Luck,
Eimear |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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i pretty much agree with everyone else on pretty much everything...
especially the whole 'dying while writing this rhyme' thing. that sort of set me off.
i'd change it entirely..
overall, great work!
keep it up!!!
-GC10 |
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Nolan
Writer
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330 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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okay, thanks.
i'll work all of it in as soon as i get a chance.
again, thank you. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
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