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The Love Note (Chapter one, edited)
The Love Note (Chapter one, edited)

by Jamie_rocks in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 25, 2008
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The Possession
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:22 pm    Post subject: The Possession Reply with quote

Hey. This is part 3/7 of the Séance series. I hope that you guys like it. It's not that scary, but hopefully the next few will be. I'm trying to concentrate on character development in this part. I would recommended you read the Séance and then the Ouija Board before reading this.

-

Possession [Po-ses-sion] –noun

1. Being controlled by passion or the supernatural.

I didn’t even put the phone on the table before it rang again. Looking at the caller ID, I recognized Richard’s cell number. I put the phone to my ear.

“I just got off the phone with Lillian,” Richard said, not waiting for my “Hello”. “It got her too. Her parents freaked, saying crap like ‘the Ouija board is a tool for the devil’. She’s locked herself in her room. Sam, whatever happened last night is happening to everyone. It’s not just us. That ghost, Lillian’s grandma or not, is hurting us.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. I hadn’t shown my parents the cuts and scratches. Just like Lillian’s parents, I knew mine would freak. “I called Steve and he told me that he and Jen both woke up with them. Roger too. Jen was on the phone with Brianne. Dude, everyone woke up like this.”

I heard Richard moan. “It’s all my fault!” he said. “I should never have brought out that stupid board!” I could hear the anger in his voice.

“Dude, it’s my fault. I bought the board. I should’ve known what it was before I bought it. I’m sorry…” There was a long pause.

“What are we going to do?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to say it. I was at loss of words.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Lillian’s calling again. Can I call you back?”

“Yeah,” I whispered. Richard hung up, and I set the phone down. This was all my fault. It was my fault that all of my friends now had scratches up and down their backs. It was my fault that a ghost was trying to kill us.

No. I didn’t know that the ghost was trying to kill us. Why would Lillian’s grandma be trying to hurt us? I suddenly froze.

What if her grandma was trying to tell us something? Something really important? I thought about that for a moment. Nothing was making sense. If Lillian’s grandma was trying to tell us something, why did she cut us? Why would she do that?

The phone rang again, and I placed it to my ear.

“Hello?” I asked. There was no reply, only the quiet buzzing of the phone line. I buried my brow.

“Hello? Richard, is this you?”

Still no reply. I took the phone away from my ear and looked at the caller ID. Unknown. I placed it back to my ear.

“Who is this?”

Use the board,” a voice whispered. My eyes widened and my heart stopped. The voice sounded old. Dead.

“Who is this?” I repeated, anxiety creeping over me. White fear washed through my body.

The caller hung up.

*

At school the next day, all seven of us sat at the same lunch table. I sat by Richard, Lillian and Roger. The other two girls and Steve sat on the opposite side. None of us had touched our food.

“What are we going to do?” Brianne whispered. She was pale, her skin devoid of all color.

“Should we do anything?” Steve asked, raising his eyes to me. “Only one thing has happened. It’s not going to happen again.”

“We don’t know that,” Roger said, bending his plastic spoon. “It could happen tomorrow morning. For all we know, we could all wake up with chopped off arms. If a spirit is hurting us, who is going to stop it? How can we stop it?”

“Do you think it’s my grandma?” Lillian asked, her eyes focused on her plate. “Do you think that she would do this?”

“Listen,” Roger said and slid his glasses up to his nose. “After I found out about the scratches on my back, I looked up on the Internet about Ouija boards.”

Everyone stared intently on Roger, who was still bending his spoon.

“I found a totally different set of instructions for using them. The Ouija board we used was cheap. It didn’t have all of the right stuff on it,” Roger continued.

“What do you mean?” Lillian asked.

“Our board only had a few of the basic things. You know, the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ and letters and numbers. Those things.”

“What was the board missing?” I asked. Roger was silent for a moment.

He bent his spoon and it snapped. I saw Brianne flinch.

“It was missing a ‘Good-bye’.”

“What does that do?” Steve asked. I was surprised. He and Jen weren’t holding hands for once.

“It ends the séance. Either the ghost puts the marker on ‘Good-Bye’ or we do, purposely. But, because we didn’t do that, the séance hasn’t ended. That means ghosts can come out,” Roger said. The spoon was in two parts now. He was rubbing them together, tiny shreds of plastic falling off.

“Come out of where?” Richard asked, squeezing Lillian’s hand.

“Hell, I guess.”

We were silent for a moment, pondering. How could I have been stupid enough to buy that board? It was my fault that a spirit was hurting us.

“So what are we going to do?” I whispered, my voice faltering.

“We are going to have to end the séance, then,” Brianne said, biting her lip.

“We can’t.” Richard sighed and spoke, “I threw the board away, and the garbage men came today. The board is gone.”

“Then we’ll buy a new one!” Jen spoke up. “This time we’ll buy a better one. One with ‘Good-Bye.’”

We all agreed to meet at Richard’s house after school. He said that his parents wouldn’t be home until six in the evening. Jen would bring the new board.

*

As soon as I got home, my mom handed me the phone.

“It’s Richard. Hurry. I’m expecting a call,” she whispered urgently. I nodded.

“Hey,” I said, walking to my room.

“Dude, I don’t think Lillian is coming. She’s freaked out right now. Her parents made her swear that she would never use a Ouija board again. She’s keeping her promise,” Richard spoke.

I sighed and fell on my bed. My eyes traveled up to The Used poster on my wall.

“So… do we have to have her there?” I asked.

“Probably. I mean, if it’s her grandma doing this, then Lillian’s going to have to ask her to stop.”

“Did you tell her that we would throw the board away as soon as we end the séance?” I asked, rolling over to look at the ceiling.

“Yeah.” Roger’s voice was shaking. “But, dude, I don’t think I can do this. After what happened last time… it really freaked me out.”

“Come on!” I said, sitting up. “It’s just one more time, and then we’ll never use it again! I promise.”

Richard moaned. “But what if we don’t end the séance correctly? Then we’re going to have to do it again!”

“Then we’ll just make sure that we do it right. Okay?” I asked.

“Yeah…” There was a pause. “Listen, I think Jen and Steve are here. The doorbell just rang. Okay. Bye.”

“Bye,” I muttered.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Promise me this is the last time.”

“I promise, dude.”

*

We were all there. Lillian was standing away from the board, not daring to look at it.

“Please don’t make me do this. Please, Richard!” she moaned.

“This is the last time. I swear we’ll never do this again.” Richard replied. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

The new board was laid out basically the same way. There were only two new additions. There was a ‘Welcome’ and a ‘Farewell’. Pentagons decorated the letters.

There were also new instructions. I slid them out of the box and read them aloud.

“Instructions for use:

“Close windows, and doors. Switch off lights. Place board on floor. Place pointer (planchette) on “Welcome” Sit in a circle; decide who will use the pointer. (Usually one male, one female.) Join hands and sit calmly, thinking of good energy and forming a circle of positivity. Pray (optional) to the spirit you want to conjure. Share memories about the deceased. Have an item nearby that belonged to the deceased (optional). Two “mediums” will sit on opposing sides of the board. Others join hands, and make physical contact with “mediums”. Request the presence of the spirit. Mention clearly that unfriendly spirits are banished from the circle. “Mediums” will place two fingers of each hand lightly on pointer. Allow the spirit to communicate. If the pointer moves to Farewell, thank the spirit out loud and stop the séance. If you wish to stop the séance, purposely move pointer to Farewell, thank the spirit, and clean up.”

As I read the instructions, we all did as it instructed. It was a different séance than the last. We picked Richard and Lillian as the two mediums. The rest of us gathered around in a circle, firmly holding hands.

Lillian was shaking.

“Do… do I need to talk about Grandma again?” she asked, trembling. Steve shook his head.

“We should just try and picture her and stuff. It took too long last time. Let’s just get this over with. Just conjure her up and say ‘bye!’ and let’s get out of here!”

I morbidly snickered. Closing my eyes, I focused on the ‘really old grandma’ that Lillian had talked about. A wrinkled old lady formed in my head. I visualized her talking to a man covered in liver spots.

There was a sudden breeze, and I shivered. Opening my eyes, I looked over to the windows. They were both bolted shut. I bit my lip.

“Are there any spirits here today?” Lillian’s voice was fragile and delicate. My eyes focused in on the planchette, waiting for it to move.

I felt another breeze. Roger did too; he shivered.

“Grandma?” Lillian asked. She gasped as the planchette quivered. Lillian pulled her hands off of the marker.

“No!” Richard whispered. “Put your hands back on it. We’re almost done.”

I could see a tear forming in Lillian’s eyes as she placed her hands back.

“Grandma, where are you? Are you in this room?”

The marker slid over to board. My eyes widened. Lillian’s mouth dropped as the planchette stopped over four letters.

H. E. L. L. Lillian’s grandmother was in Hell.

The planchette didn’t stop there. It continued to slide across the board, stopping at certain letters. Richard said the letters as the marker directed to them.

“H… I… D… E. Hide,” he whispered.

I was sure everyone could hear my heart pounding.

“Hide from who, Grandma?”

“H… I… M,” Richard didn’t even bother to put the letters into a word.

Him. Who was Him?

“End the séance,” Brianne muttered. “Please. End it now.”

“How?” Lillian whispered, desperately. Richard purposely moved the planchette over to the word ‘Farewell’.

“It’s over,” he whispered. “The séance is over. Now let’s get rid of the board."


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey BBB!!

Thanks for PMing me because yay, I'm the first to post. Ok I only got to read half of this but I'll be back I promise. I didn't see anything wrong so I'll just say what I liked. I liked the emotions (ok so I'm a geek about characters and their emotions) they were really believable and I know I say that a lot but that's a big plus in a story so big air cookie for you. (its chocolate chip, hope you like it)
Also the suspense ( its killing me) Somebody dead called? This just keeps getting better and better. I can't give you any full critiques because I didn't read the whole thing sorry Crying or Very sad but I really have to go or else my mom's going to strangle me.
You are just too good of a writer and you always hook me in.
I'll be back.
Until then, Keep writing,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you said this one wasn't as scary, which is true, but it definitely has the right mood and atmosphere. In fact, the phone call part and the ending really creeped me out. I can very well see that you were working on letting us get to know Sam, and even the others ('specially Lillian), which is very good. I feel like I do know Sam a lot more, because he was one of the characters I didn't know anything about earlier. But now that we, as readers, know his thoughts and feelings about all this, I think that it will benefit us while reading the following chapters. I think I only found two things that I thought might sound better rephrased...

Quote:
For all we know, we could all wake up with chopped off arms.


Read that sentence once or twice. Then read it like so: For all we know, we could all wake up with out arms chopped off. Sounds much better, does it not?

Quote:
“We don’t know that,” Roger said, bending his plastic spoon.

Quote:
Everyone stared intently on Roger, who was still bending his spoon.


So we kind of already got that he was bending his spoon that first quote there. It doesn't mean that you have to take out the second "still bending his spoon", but I think there are better ways to indicated that he's still doing the same action as before. Maybe add different words, perhaps? Or maybe you could be like: ...his spoon snapping in two..., so that we still get the idea that he was bending his spoon that whole time, but it changes the action a bit. If that makes any sense... o.o

Anyway, fantastic. Loved it! Very eerie, and I am so very curious to find out who this "him" guys is and what's the deal with this demon grandma. Hee hee. Two thumbs up! Smile

Holly

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Teddy

I enjoyed reading this, it was just as fun to read as the other two parts. Tere are some things I'm being nitpicky about, which is character development, and your lack of paragraphs. You have dialogue, and then you tell us what the people are doing. You don't have many cases of description without dialogue. I'd like to see more of that. PM me if I don't make sense XD

You've really set an eerie mood in this one, and I can't wait for the next part to come out.

XxxDo


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Write more! Dangit more! This is really good! Gah Jared! I wish I could write as AWESOME as you Smile. -Ailam

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heya, I'm sorry that this is so late and took so long.

First off, this was much better than part two. You still lacked a few things but it flowed a lot better and more naturally; which is good.

A few things:

Quote:
Dude, everyone woke up like this.”

This is a good line and I think you should have more of a pause before it. Have the line before it end in speech marks and then say something like 'I paused for a second' and then have that line.

Quote:
I was at loss of words.

'Of' should be 'for and there should an 'a' before 'loss'.

Quote:
“Yeah,” I whispered.

Why would this be whispered?

Quote:
Hello? Richard, is this you?”

'this' should be 'that'.

Quote:
The voice sounded old. Dead.

You can describe it so much better than that. What would work well was if you had quite a long description, something about the actual tone of voice, how hard or soft it sounded, if it cracked or trembled and then have the one-word line of 'dead'.

Quote:
After I found out about the scratches on my back, I looked up on the Internet about Ouija boards.”

A bit of awkward wording here. Perhaps try 'I looked up Ouija boards on the Internet' for the second part of the sentence.

Quote:
How could I have been stupid enough to buy that board? It was my fault that a spirit was hurting us.

You repeat this way too much. We get that Sam feels guilty for what's happened - you don't have to keep going over it in the same words. You can reiterate his guilt by describing his physical state, like having his stomach churn or bile in his throat.

Quote:
“Please don’t make me do this. Please, Richard!” she moaned.
“This is the last time. I swear we’ll never do this again.” Richard replied. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

There needs to be more love and comfort between these two. Again, Richard seems dismissive of her. Perhaps have him wrap her in his arms when she moans? Or have him stroke her hair comfortingly? Something that shows emotion.

Quote:
“Close windows, and doors. Switch off lights. Place board on floor. Place pointer (planchette) on “Welcome” Sit in a circle; decide who will use the pointer. (Usually one male, one female.) Join hands and sit calmly, thinking of good energy and forming a circle of positivity. Pray (optional) to the spirit you want to conjure. Share memories about the deceased. Have an item nearby that belonged to the deceased (optional). Two “mediums” will sit on opposing sides of the board. Others join hands, and make physical contact with “mediums”. Request the presence of the spirit. Mention clearly that unfriendly spirits are banished from the circle. “Mediums” will place two fingers of each hand lightly on pointer. Allow the spirit to communicate. If the pointer moves to Farewell, thank the spirit out loud and stop the séance. If you wish to stop the séance, purposely move pointer to Farewell, thank the spirit, and clean up.”

This needs to be in italics.

Quote:
I morbidly snickered.

This doesn't suit the tone or what he should be feeling.

Quote:
H. E. L. L.

This should be on its own line for effect.

Overall

I think that you could have drawn the actual seance out some more - really make us quiver. You also need a bit more emotion from the characters and a lot more description of everything. I want to know what rooms, people, objects look like, smell of, taste of and what things sound like.
This is a really good storyline and your writing has some amazing qualities - just don't rush!!

Keep writing and please let me know when you post more,

Alainna
xxx

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Es ist meinen Bär! *hugs*

Grammar and First Impressions

Quote:
That ghost, Lillian’s grandma or not, is hurting us.”


Does that sound like something Richard would say? "It is hurting us!" Maybe if he was using a sarcastic tone, I'd believe it. XD No one says it like that.. or maybe you do? In which case you can ignore me.

Quote:
I was at a loss of words.


Quote:
The phone rang again, and I placed it to my ear.


That sounds weird to me. I don't know if anyone else thought it, but I did. XD Unless there's another way to say this, maybe I picked it up will work just fine.

Quote:
There was no reply, [dash instead] only the quiet buzzing of the phone line.


Quote:
I buried my brow.


That's a new one. Are we ignoring furrowed?

Quote:
“Hello? Richard, is this that you?”


You can kill me for repeating this.

Quote:
My eyes widened, and my heart stopped.


Quote:
For all we know, we could all wake up with chopped-off arms.


Hyphen. Very Happy

Quote:
The spoon was in two parts now.


It already was a few sentences ago. Razz

Quote:
It was my fault that a spirit was hurting us.


I really am not a fan of the word hurting in any of these cases. Maybe stalking would work better? Or any other word. Hurting just sounds so.. not right. XD You could even go to extremes (like teens do) and say the spirit's "killing" us. xD

Quote:
We are We're going to have to end the séance, then,” Brianne said, biting her lip.


Quote:
One with ‘Good-Bye.’”


I've noticed this, and I feel I should point it out. Nit-picks ftw!

You use both formats for this, but Jabber likes consistency. Choose one and stick to it. Very Happy

"One with 'Good-Bye'."
"One with 'Good-Bye.'"

I think the latter is the "American" way to do it, but I don't fuss over them. Just choose one. XD

Quote:
“Close windows, [no comma] and doors.


Quote:
Place pointer (planchette) on “Welcome.” Sit in a circle; decide who will use the pointer.


Or wherever you chose you wanted the period. Very Happy

Overall

Shocked

That was only a little creepy.

*gulp*

I got a fair amount of goosebumps, haha. Good job with this. I can't wait to read more. I apologize for not having anything constructive to say. XD

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, BBB!

What are you talking about??? "It's not that scary"? Hey, this was the scariest part of them all! Really! If the next ones are going to be even scarier... great! Haha Very Happy This is very good.

This was creepy, I tell you. Most of the nitpicks I would've had have already been pointed out, and I won't do that now especially when I don't have much time.

Please, please write more soon and PM me when you have, OK? Thank you!


Demeter xxx

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seriously, I'm with Demeter. What do you mean "not that scary"?! Geez, this was the scariest one!

The mood was so much creepier in this one. The other two were okay, but this one just sent chills up and down my spine.

Did Sam ever tell the others about the phone call? It seems to me that he would be telling everyone about it, since they went and decided to buy another board, which is what the voice told him to do.

Wow, I have nothing to say. This has got to be one of my shortest reviews ever. Everyone else seems to have gotten the nitpicks.

This story is pure win. Ha, the kids think it is over. But it has only just begun. *evil chuckle*

*thumbs up* Please PM when you put up the next part!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And I'm with Demeter and Gryph. By far, this was the most suspenseful addition.

Superb. You seem to have (more or less) mastered the art of writing a trill oriented story. That is: the rapid fire dialogue and stream-of-consciousness and neat, crisp writing. Really, I don't have much to critique here. What you have written is wonderful.

Quote:
“Who is this?” I repeated, anxiety creeping over me. White fear washed through my body.


Just so you know, the 'mysterious caller' was by far my favorite scene in this chapter. You had things running perfectly - very blunt and short; staccatto - but then I stumbled over this passage. Consider shortening it to, “Who is this?” I repeated, anxiety creeping over me. White fear washed through my body." This tightens things up nicely. Remember, when you're writing a story like this, include only what is directly pertinent to the story. Be as sparse as possible, especially when writing a climax like this.

A couple things before I leave: (1) More description (I know that contradicts what I was just saying), less dialogue. Your dialogue is well-written, but I also want to see more of the scene and the characters. I want to see your world the way you see it. (2) So this ghost is...Lillian's grandmother? So this is an evil granny from hell? Don't you think you could have come up with a more sinister character? I keep thinking of a kindly old woman with a bun in her hair and an apron around her waist sneaking into the rooms of these seven kids and cutting them up like pie crust. It's a conflicting image.

Anyway, keep up the good work, B!

-Kylan

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good, good. This is good! Please write more of it soon. I'm really excited to know who "he" is... so suspenseful.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhh this is so ridiculously good!! I can't wait for more!!

~Dommy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol, me too! I love it, and I want more!!!

Again, your characters require work. Who is Sam? All we know is he has a thing for board games and he says "dude" a lot.

Also, expand upon the relationships between all your characters. Who's best friends with whom? Who likes who? Who's the most scared of the lot, etc.?

As I said, we seem to get a better picture of your characters through other people's eyes. Like here, we got a better idea of Lillian, who's scared of disobeying her parents. So you need to work on developing Sam in the previous parts as well...

Now I'm really intrigued as to what's going to happen next. You may have noticed I'm reading these because they're a good read, not to critique them. So put the next bit up soon!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

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