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This thread was created on June 25, 2008
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Topic ID: 32116
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laughingfreakx3
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Dec 2007
Posts: 32
Reviews: 15
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: The Party Goes On |
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The party goes on
there's a full club
just having fun
things sore through the air
suddenly, your muscles freeze
when you hear glass shatter
the is music obnoxiously loud
music comes booming out
and crashing down
neighbors cry for peace and silence
but it comes out louder
they dance for hours
showing off there moves
left then right
not thinking
just doing
the bar is crowded
with drunk people
crying for more beer
dyeing for alcohol
suddenly, you stop and freeze
everything goes blank
the hairs on the back of
your neck go up
your cold
lips purple and blue
your drunk
then your free falling
down onto the ground
and your knocked out |
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Last edited by laughingfreakx3 on Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:12 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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bkwrm
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 96
Reviews: 78
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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This is okay - but I must admit that I'm not really sure what you actually mean at the end with your reference to dead parents. Am I missing something really obvious?
Anyway, you've made a few mistakes;
| Quote: |
| the is music obnoxiously loud |
It should be either
the music is obnoxiously loud
or
there is obnoxiously loud music
| Quote: |
| neighbors cry for peace in silence |
peace in silence doesn't make sense. Do you mean peace and quiet or something?
| Quote: |
| showing off there moves |
their - as in belonging to them - not there
| Quote: |
| dyeing for alcohol |
dying not dyeing
Do you mean grown?
you need an apostrophe - parents' party
Also I assume that the reason you've spelt realise with a z is because that's how it's done in the US.
This could do with a lot more work - you seemed to be following a rough pattern of 4-6 lines with your stanzas until the really long one at the end, which doesn't really work that well - either heve a structure for them or don't; no switching part-way through - and like I said I don't really understand where you're going with this.
Keep writing,
Bkwrm  |
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writ3rindisguis3
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 30
Country: A place in my imagination...
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:10 pm Post subject: |
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The party goes on,
there's a full house.
Just having fun.
Things sore through the air.
Suddenly, your muscles freeze
when you hear glass shatter
The is music obnoxiously loud.
Music comes booming out
and crashing down.
Neighbors cry for peace and silence.
But it comes out louder.
They dance for hours,
showing off their moves.
Left then right,
not thinking,
just doing.
The bar is crowded
with drunk people
crying for more beer,
dying for alcohol.
Then you realize that
it's just a crazy, typical
party with grown
and mature parents.
But suddenly
you get cold,
lips blue,
and the hairs on the back
of your neck going up.
You see that that was your
parent's party,
and they died that night.
This was a very confusing poem. Was the person at a bar or a house party. And what did dying parents have anything to do with this. I'm not really grasping your meaning here. You didn't h ave any punctuation and that messed up the poem. I would say you need a little more work on this.
You're using present and past tense. You need to pick which one you want to write in. It gets very confusing.
Becca |
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| This thread was created on June 25, 2008 |
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