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magiclukehutch
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 Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: Prologue of Unnamed Story |
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This story has been removed |
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Last edited by magiclukehutch on Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:16 am; edited 1 time in total |
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darchoco
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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alright quick notes to this....
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| there was a large, wooden wardrobe with all the baby's clothes in it. There was a large, wooden hamper for all the babies’ toys to go in. There was a single bed with blue bed sheets on the duvet. |
you began this sentences with the same thing over and over. Definitely want to fix that. and have you ever heard of showing not telling? Instead of just sayin there was this and there was that, say for example: shadows danced across the wall from the lonely wardrobe that held its spot in the corner. You seem to continue this pattern throughout the prologue. Try to make it all more alive.
But this seems interesting. keep going at it. |
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hobbes
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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sorry dude, but this did nothing for me. In the beginning of the story there was no hook to get me into it.
you had good descriptions and you got me to see what the room looked like but I think you used blue a tad to much.
also, like said before, you used the same words to much. such as "there was" and
" no one"
It would be a very boring story if every line began with the.
The cat was brown
The cat walked
The cat used the same words over and over.
respectfully-speaker head/hobbes |
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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okay, i'm sorry to say that--as with hobbes this went virtually nowhere with me...and doesn't seem like it's going anywhere with the story.
you use repitition A LOT...and its somewhat distracting as well as annoying. you use there was a ton of times and you use large, wooden in two back-to-back sentences. that really bothered me.
and aside from that, as a prologue, the writing should be exciting and capturing the readers attention...and that just didn't happen.
it might just be me...but it feels a tad harry potter-ish.
you know, start with a baby with someone talking about them, or how great they'll be. and then jumping ahead however many years.
sorry. this needs a lot of work, unfortunately.
P.M. me if you have any questions.
-GC10 |
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: Re: Prologue of Unnamed Story |
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Hello! My name is Sunny and I will be your reviewer for today! *waves*
The bolded words and phrases are my comments or corrections, and words or phrases with slashes through them are words that need to go.
| magiclukehutch wrote: |
Prologue
A small baby boy lay in a yellow Moses Basket (I'm sorry, what's a Moses Basket?), with a fury (furry) baby blue blanket over him to keep him warm. The room was lovely and cosy. The walls were baby blue with a Winnie the Pooh (Winnie-the-Pooh) border. There was a large, wooden wardrobe with all the baby's clothes in it. There was a large, wooden hamper for all the babies’ toys to go in. There was a single bed with blue bed sheets on the duvet. (You begin these last three sentences exactly the same way each time. This is a bad idea, because it bores your readers quickly. Mix up your sentence styles.) Beautiful yellow sunlight shined through the window. The room truly was perfect. (Why is the room perfect, and why does it matter?)
Then something woke the baby up. (Generally, you want to avoid ending your sentences with a preposition.) No one had come through the door. Nothing had come through the window because the window was shut. No one had tapped on the window because the bedroom was on the second floor. But something had waked (woken) the baby up. A tall shadow covered the tiny baby. The baby then started to get excited. (Redundancy again. You said "baby" three times in a row. Try substituting other words...child, boy, infant...you get the idea.) Two wrinkled hands reached out and lifted the excited baby. (Again with the 'baby'. And why is he excited suddenly? Does he recognize the man? Doe he feel safe around the man?)
The hands belonged to a tall old man in long white robes. The old man had a bald head with only small white hair at the side. But the old man had two sparkling blue eyes. It was impossible to describe how wonderful the old man's eyes were. (Again, WHY? What made them special? What made them wonderful?)
The old man then cradled the baby in his arms and smiled then looked at the baby. The baby had the exact same type of eyes as the old man. Then the old man spoke in a voice that changed the tiny baby's life forever. (GAH! Stop with the 'baby'!!)
"You will be the only hope left for everything to survive." (Hmm...I think this would be more effective if you just said, "You are the only hope left." It leaves more to the imagination, and it adds suspense.)
The old man then stood up, still smiling, and put the baby down back in his Moses Basket and put (I don't realy like this word. Placed? Tucked? Use some more descriptive verbs.) the blue blanket back over the baby.
"Goodbye, Jack Muldoon." (He has a NAME! lol.)
Then a second later the man disappeared and the baby was fast asleep. It was like ("as if"...for some reason "like" isn't grammatically correct. *shrug* I don't make the rules.) none of this had ever happened.
(C) Luke Hutchison 2007 All Rights Reserved |
Okay! I think you could have something here if you develop this a little more. But it DEFINITELY needs to be developed.
WHY SHOULD I CARE?
This is not meant to be mean; this is the way that readers think. Why should I read this? Why do I care what the baby's room looks like? Why should I care about this old man? You can't simply write a descriptive piece and expect people to stay interested. This world is made up of PEOPLE, and it's the people that we want to get to know. So tell me...why should I care about Jack? How are you going to make me love him?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT
Repeating the same word over and over again is a sure way to make your audience's collective brain turn to mush. It gets boring. Read this: "The dog sniffed the air. The dog trotted towards the park. The dog followed its nose into the dumpster. The dog excitedly dug through the trash and found the meat."
Now read this: "The dog sniffed the air, trotting towards the park. Tail wagging, it followed its nose into the dumpster where the meat was oozing with tasty maggots." Yum.
My point is, the second piece of writing is more concise and it doesn't bore you. It's not redundant. So work on using different words, different phrases, and different sentence structures. It will do wonders for your writing.
AC-CEN-TUATE THE POSITIVE!
This has the potential to become a really intriguing story. I liked the subtle connection between the man and the baby - their eyes - and I liked the old man's statement: "You are the only hope." That's a great hook.
So you keep writing and I'll keep reading, and we will see where this goes!
~Sunny |
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magiclukehutch
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 12:16 pm Post subject: |
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Prologue
A small baby boy lay in a yellow Moses Basket, with a furry baby blue blanket over him to keep him warm. The room was lovely and cosy. The walls were baby blue with a Winnie-the-Pooh border. There was a large, wooden wardrobe with all the baby's clothes in it and a wooden hamper for all the babies’ toys to go in. There was a single bed with blue bed sheets on the duvet. Beautiful yellow sunlight shined through the window
Then something woke him up. No one had come through the door. Nothing had come through the window because the window was shut. No one had tapped on the window because the bedroom was on the second floor. But something had woken the baby up. A tall shadow covered the tiny human being. The baby then started to get excited. Two wrinkled hands reached out and lifted the excited little boy.
The hands belonged to a tall old man in long white robes. The old man had a bald head with only small white hair at the side. But the old man had two sparkling blue eyes. It was impossible to describe how wonderful the old man's eyes were.
The old man then cradled the baby in his arms and smiled then looked at him. The baby had the exact same type of eyes as the old man. Then the old man spoke in a voice that changed the tiny baby's life forever.
"You will be the only hope left for everything to survive."
The old man then stood up, still smiling, and put the boy down back in his Moses Basket and put the blue blanket back over the baby.
"Goodbye, Jack Muldoon."
Then a second later the man disappeared and the baby was fast asleep. It was as if none of this had ever happened. |
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