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This thread was created on June 25, 2008
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Topic ID: 32105
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white_velvet_on_a_moonlit
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 11
Reviews: 8
Country: I live inside the walls of my mind, I belong to no specific place, my world is limitless
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject: Unbroken |
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I'd like some feedback . . . I'm submitting this someplace if you think it's good enough.
Unbroken
Closed bluebells,
holding morning’s promise.
Dawn like the sea and shore
torn apart.
Breathing relief, a breath held so long,
like the mists of a hidden cascade
whispering through the waking air.
Barely brushing the fingertips of the sweeping, swooshing grass
dotted with lilac.
Virginity Unswayed. |
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I have been a multitude of shapes, Before I assumed a consistent form.
- Taliesin, poet, Wales, 534-599 |
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Nolan
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 89
Reviews: 42
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
188 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 6:15 pm Post subject: |
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Closed bluebells
holding morning’s promise.
Dawn like the sea and shore
Torn apart.
Breathing relief, a breath held so long
Like the mists of a hidden cascade
Whispering through the waking air,
Barely brushing the fingertips of the sweeping, swooshing grass
Dotted with lilac.
Virginity Unswayed.
I really, really like this.
I corrected some capitalization and punctuation errors above.
I like the words you used; all are very powerful, yet simple.
Bravo!
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
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KaatiieBugg
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 12
Country: USA
196 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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I loved this poem. Beautiful words, beautiful. It IS a simple poem like Nolan said, but it is still a great poem.
Favorite part:
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Closed bluebells,
holding morning’s promise.
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this opening is wonderful, good poem. Rock on!
-Buggs |
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Writing: My Anti-Drug |
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mizz-iceberg
...is BACK!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Posts: 463
Reviews: 206
Country: Canada
312 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:08 am Post subject: |
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Wonderful poem!! Great descriptions and so much beauty in it yet it's so simple. No need to use long tricky words to convey feelings. It was very well done!!
*Star for you*!! |
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| This thread was created on June 25, 2008 |
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