Topic ID: 32104
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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 Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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umm...okay?
Is that telling me not to rhyme? Or that my poem wasn't good because I rhymed? |
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Qultur
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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D: (aghhh I was typing out my reply when I accidentally hit the back button. I have to do this all over again)
But eh...yeah, I got a little ahead of myself; I'll try elaborating what I meant. (again)
It's just that whenever I've seen someone's learning how to write poetry, they've always started this way, with rhyming. It always seems to be the main focus in their piece since it's common knowledge that the poetry people remember best is that old stuff that rhymes. But it usually dilutes the other aspects of whatever the writer's working on, weirding up any rythym and instilling weak imagery for the sake of a simple and usually uninteresting rhyme scheme.
Just...try this; open an empty word document, but don't tell yourself you're gonna write up a story or poem. Stop for a second and try and become aware of what you're thinking about; try to take a look at the images flashing through your head. (I'm pretty sure most people think in images; there could be exceptions for all I know, but this is what I'm most familiar with) Try and put those images into words as best you can, as though you wanted to communicate an unbiased translation of yourself to someone, wanted them to understand you through the concrete of your thoughts.
Cuz if you try to do at least one piece that way, I think you'll be able to break out of the habit of going by simple rhyme schemes. (which are usually really inhibiting to creativity, whenever you're fishing for a word to rhyme even if it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece; it's very constricting)
...man, I hope that made sense in some way; it was frustrating having to go through all that again. :C |
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clueless
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject: Re: Suicide |
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| gamechanger10 wrote: |
Face to the sky,
he let out sardonic laughs.
Then he tumbled from the bridge,
to avoid all of his gaffes. |
this was actually the best part for me. knowing the type of person you are really helps.  |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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Haha.....bookmarker LMAO!
Uh, yeah. I liked the imagery, but sadly Qultur is right. There's no purpose and no meaning to it, so yes it was imaginative and interesting to read but there really wasn't a need to read it. So....I guess that's what happens to a poem when it's written carelessly in 3 minutes.
Oh, and bookmarker is kind of right in the end...I mean PICTURE IT: A guy on a boat. He looks out to see. Randomly raises his fist on the sky. Starts laughing and then just jumps. I'd be more amused than scarred. I seriously think what Bookmarker meant by it, is that it's too not true. It's so fake that it can be taken humorously. If you wrote about this man in his bedroom nursing the though each day and what caused him to commit suicide, then finally depicted this last scene of him flinging himself into the ocean I wouldn't laugh because you created a character with depth and I have emotional attachment to him, but this..? Well, this was something you wrote in 3 minutes, and I won't treat it as anything other than that.
However, if it helps, it is very promising. There's a lot you can do with something like that to kick off a dramatic poem or end it, or something...
lmao @ Bookmarker though. I'm officially a fan of that little 13 yr old.
EDIT:
Oh, and about the rhyming schemes! Yeah, rhyming is actually VERY difficult. I mean, once you go free-verse you don't go back. If you want to be a rhyming queen, then you need to practice and don't rhyme using weird lines and crap because it's a very very difficult thing to do. You constrict yourself to one type of scheme and you basically have nothing to write about and only this set of words. I would continue practicing your rhyming, because it's hard to jump back when you go into free-verse, but please...please don't put things you wrote in 3 minutes up here. PLEASE. |
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Gabe
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
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Jocelyn . . .Jocelyn . . .Jocelyn
you sicken me. Only you would write something so horrid
haha |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:32 am Post subject: |
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It isn't really necessary to rhyme at the end of a poem. Poems with no rhymes can make great poems too.
Ok...let me see...for me, it's just OK. It has potential, but it needs improvement. We all know that this poem is about suicide, but I don't feel anything 'suicidal'. If the subject is 'suicide', then try letting the reader feel that emotion. And yes, the way you write it....it wasn't really natural. It was quite...fake.
Some from the last stanza:
"he let out sardonic laughs".
I have to agree that this wasn't really fitting with the poem.
"Then he tumbled from the bridge,"
Ah, this is actually fine, but I find 'tumbled' a slightly comical word. Lol.
Well, overall, it was good. A 5 out of 10, but I'm sure you can do better. Now...
try writing positive ^^
Good luck, keep writing |
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darksky
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:52 am Post subject: |
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| i quite enjoted this poem. it flowed nicely but i think you should continue it. its a little short |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
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Good flow, nice writing.
Nice writing, especially in 3 minutes!
The only problem I had with the poem was that google ads put two links for suicide prevention watch as I was reading the poem and the other critiques! |
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hamerkid2
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
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i like the flow of it.
it's a very good poem any way. i find it hard to believe you just threw it together. the structure and language of it makes me feel like you put a lot of time into it |
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grey ghost
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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nice poem, it flowed very nicely. it was good, creepy, but good.
-so many names, I hardley know who I am- |
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Wolf_Link95
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| very good i got the feeling of depression and i liked the rhyming good job XD |
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