Topic ID: 32074
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Evolmega
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 Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject: Tears ~ Keeper Of Your Own Hell. |
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Keeper of your own hell.
Stainless steel bars assigned in black coloring – eyelashes.
Feathery lids in forms of strong steel close in on its devil–unknown.
Powered-up solely, with its firm concerned purified strength,
Forming a tight blockade, to protect the keepers honored pride–tear
They moisturize–melt, upon the sword of sorrow;
Leaving the keeper to run through the hallway of weak honor
To discover another extinguisher–strength;
To put out, it’s escaping lava–saliva.
Cloudy puffs of dehydrated pride cast upon the fire of sadness
Forcing down the push of cold lava,
Leaving but, a feather to glide through the space less darkened air;
Down past existence it glides, in form of vivid sly air
To the shaking ground of the keepers own melting heart
It lay in the core
The keeper lay in his feet
Its corruption plays in a musical form of beat,
The beat echoing through deeply;
As the music gets louder with the sound of its deviling popping
The bars began melting slowly, but the haste of music was deriving
It gathered up every ounce of Hatred
Every feeling of concealed Sadness
And It Irrupted.
The keepers’ eyes burst with the touch of melting tears
Every second of this hell was all because of blotted out greed
Ne’er should he had stored it all inside,
He should have thrown those tears long ago, aside!
[The shriek of the keepers’ lips,
The dripping of molten tears
The popping in the heart
Played a new melody] ~ |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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Stainless steel bars assigned in black coloring – eyelashes.-- good way of describing eye lashes
Feathery lids in forms of strong steel close in on its devil–unknown.
Powered-up solely, with its firm concerned purified strength,
Forming a tight blockade, to protect the keepers honored pride–tear --- i don't think you need a ,
They moisturize–melt, upon the sword of sorrow;
Leaving the keeper to run through the hallway of weak honor
To discover another extinguisher–strength; --- [b]no ;
To put out, it’s escaping lava–saliva.-- [b]if your crying why would it be saliva?
Cloudy puffs of dehydrated pride cast upon the fire of sadness
Forcing down the push of cold lava,
Leaving but, a feather to glide through the space less darkened air; no ;
Down past existence it glides, in form of vivid sly air --- vivid is a wrong choice of words i think
To the shaking ground of the keepers own melting heart
It lay in the core
The keeper lay in his feet
Its corruption plays in a musical form of beat,
The beat echoing through deeply;
As the music gets louder with the sound of its deviling popping
The bars began melting slowly, but the haste of music was deriving
It gathered up every ounce of Hatred
Every feeling of concealed Sadness
And It Irrupted. irrupted sounds weird here
The keepers’ eyes burst with the touch of melting tears
Every second of this hell was all because of blotted out greed
Ne’er should he had stored it all inside,
He should have thrown those tears long ago, aside! this is a fragment it stops the flow a little
[The shriek of the keepers’ lips,
The dripping of molten tears
The popping in the heart
Played a new melody] ~
over all i like it it wasn't anything phenomenal but i like it
keep writing
---Jon--- |
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lozzen
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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ok i really like the first line Stainless steel bars assigned in black coloring – eyelashes. I thought that was a really good introduction to the piece and i thought it was quite clearly written but i do agree with the points that wisemann210 mande when he said about the crying and saliva bit. and also:
it interupted. doesn't sound right think about the choice of words again here.
but otherwise it was a very good poem. Well done. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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331 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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i agree with wisemann210..um...three...
just listen to him and you'll be fine.
this was a great, abstract way of looking at everything....
great work!
-GC10 |
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