Ashlee
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Apr 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 13
Country: I live in a hallway, with no doors, and no rooms. :) -Shinedown "Save Me"
312 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: missing you |
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you used to say you'd love me eternity
i guess an eternity is much shorter than you thought
you broke my heart
and you're still the one i will always adore
no one can change that
you will always be the one i love
the one who means the most to me
the one i would walk through fire for
the one who taught me how to love
just the one
i miss being able to hold your hand
i miss being able to kiss you
i miss you being able to hold me
i miss you
my heart has been empty and hollow since you've left
a piece of me is missing
without you my life seems pointless
when i would wake up in the morning it was because i wanted to see you
when i went to sleep at night it was so i could dream of you
so it would seem you weren't that far away
i want to have you back
so that you're mine
just mine
but that would be me being selfish
sometimes it seems like you do still truly love me
but if you did you wouldn't be with her
i want to tell you how much i love you
how much i miss you
how much i admire and truly adore you
to be able to always say
i love you
for always and forever. |
_________________
"I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is." "There are no coincidences... only the illusion of coincidence."
-V from V for Vendetta |
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Tatra
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Mar 2008
Posts: 170
Reviews: 57
Country: Oooh, Shiny!
449 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 5:54 am Post subject: |
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This is a really great poem, you really get the feelings across to the reader. But, the lack of punctuation and capitalization makes this a bit hard to read.
I'm not saying that you need to capitalize the beginning of every single line, but I do think that this poem needs punctuation, and the I's need to be capitalized.
| Quote: |
You used to say you'd love me for eternity;
I guess an eternity is much shorter than you thought.
You broke my heart
and you're still the one I will always adore,
no one can change that.
You will always be the one I love;
the one who means the most to me,
the one I would walk through fire for,
the one who taught me how to love
just the one
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See how this piece is with proper grammar and punctuation? I didn't mark the parts were I added the grammar and such, but there are parts that I marked to comment on. The first underline, you really have to watch contractions ending with a 'd. They can mean both 'you had' and 'you would.' Then, the bold word really needed to be added. You can get away with the contraction, but you need the 'for' for the poem to make sense.
The second underline, I think it would be better to say 'nothing' instead of 'no one.' I think it would flow better, but it's up to you. The third underline, just the one what? Needs a bit of clarification, or else I'm just dim...
| Quote: |
I miss being able to hold your hand,
I miss being able to kiss you,
I miss you being able to holding me.
I miss you.
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I think that this should be it's own stanza. Also, I fixed grammar and such, since I was copying it anyway. Then, the third line sounded a bit weird, so I tweaked it a bit. I would like it to say: I miss being held by you, but that would add to the repetition of 'you.' Finally, I think that the last line needs the italic, to offset the repetition.
| Quote: |
My heart has been empty and hollow since you've left;
a piece of me is missing.
Without you, my life seems pointless.
When I would wake up in the morning, it was because I wanted to see you.
When I went to sleep at night, it was so I could dream of you,
so it would seem as if you weren't that far away.
I want to have you back,
so that you're mine.
Just mine;
but that would be me being selfish
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Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be a line by line, but I really couldn't truly see your poem until I fixed the grammar. Commas were added, apart from the ending punctuation. The added bold words were because you really did need something there. My first pick would have been 'that,' but you use that later on in the line, so I used 'as if.' Then, the line sounded a bit off, and I don't think you really need those two words.
| Quote: |
Sometimes it seems like you do still truly love me,
but, if you did, you wouldn't be with her.
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Commas again. Also, I don't think that you need the truly, as she's lost his love already. I would like a bit more added to this piece, the new girl seems a bit sudden.
| Quote: |
I want to tell you how much I love you,
how much I miss you,
how much I admire and truly adore you;
to be able to always say:
I love you,
for always and forever. |
The underlined part I'm not as fond of. I would like it if you could start a new sentence at that line, but the 'to' doesn't lend to that. Plus, it's hard to connect it back to the first line of that stanza. So, maybe try and reword that line to make it into its own sentence. Then, the semicolon can become a period.
All in all, a great poem once the grammar is added. I liked this poem, how it shows the pain of the breakup, without being cliche. You really do feel the emotions coming through the narrator. |
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Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.
- Incubus |
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