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Tharlam Gyatso
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 Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:21 am Post subject: Guarded Procession |
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Water cannons,
Balloons,
And hose pipes.
Snubbing out the torch
And lifting my foot
From the depression of skulls.
I stand back,
Soaking wet.
The rain falls sportingly,
And, in my name,
That people shall be free. |
Last edited by Tharlam Gyatso on Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:38 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: |
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Water cannons,
Balloons,
And hose pipes.
Snubbing out the torch
And lifting my foot
From the depression of skulls.
I stand back,
Soaking wet.
The rain falls sportingly,
And, in my name,
That people shall be free.
I corrected some minor punctuation and spelling errors.
The concept of this poem is good, but the poem's just average.
Try using more vivid and descriptive words.
Try working on the flow.
Some of it doesn't make sense; adverbs, articles, adjectives, prepostitions are all necessary.
Work on your grammar a bit.
All in all, I liked it.
Keep working.
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Tharlam Gyatso
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:15 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I see where you are coming from with the punctuation.
We have to go back to the question of what the poem is about, however. I work in abstract and therefore do not give away the story easily. Only when the reader has penetrated, at least via their own perception, the core meaning of the peace, may they critique it to such a degree.
You sir. May I ask you what you feel this piece concerns itself with?
Thank you. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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Well...I'm not sure what to say about this. As you said to Nolan, you work in abstract, so the concept depends on how it is recieved. I don't think I can really comment on your concept much because you may have a different idea for it than I do. And, I'm not entirely sure where I stand on the meaning and purpose of this poem just yet.
However, it was very interesting none the less. It was set to a rythm, but didn't have much of a flow. You might want to work an that.
Punctuation was already pointed out.
All in all, this was an eerie (in a good way) poem that really made me think on what it could mean.
Keep writing! |
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Aneke
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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...And this is precisely why poetry is so difficult to critique. It's really all in the eye of the beholder. Rules don't really apply to poetry - and, frankly, some of my favorite stuff is the most bizarre.
I'll be really scholarly and say that this reminds me of William Carlos Williams. It's funny how it's rather peppy at times and then deadly serious at others. And then you wonder - is it happy, or is it serious? Positive vs. negative, good vs. bad, duality this, and that.
Good picture of modern patriotism, for me - how it's a really heartsplitting belief for some people and a dreaded idea for others. Some people define themselves with it, and others can hardly grasp it. It's too unrealistic.
What? You wanted a critique?
Oh, sorry.
Honestly, I could talk all day about what I think each line means. But I know everything's there for one purpose or another, and who am I to say it needs changed? I guess, if you felt something needed work, I could lend ideas. As it is, this is the best I feel inclined to offer.
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Tharlam Gyatso
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:39 am Post subject: |
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William Carlos Williams, eh?
Thanks for the comments, folks. I appreciate your taking the time. |
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Medusa
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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From the depression of skulls.
That people shall be free. |
The two most powerful lines in the entire poem. Otherwise, it's rather too simple if you understand my meaning. I like the abstract-ness; abstract art is the best kind, if you ask me, for the open feilds of interpretation. However, never forget to always be poetic.
Overall, it's a little short for a better critique. I enjoyed this. You have an interesting viewpoint on things. Good job!
--Medusa. |
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Alice: If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? |
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Tharlam Gyatso
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:28 am Post subject: |
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| Medusa wrote: |
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From the depression of skulls.
That people shall be free. |
...it's rather too simple.
...never forget to always be poetic.
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Too simple?
Nothing is too simple, my friend. Why complicate things with unnecessary pretencion?
As for always being poetic:
poetry is in the eye of the beholder.
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Medusa
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry, I don't think you got my meaning. I didn't mean simple simple, I meant....well...boring. Sorry.
You try to give advice and then you look like an arse.
(:
--Medusa. |
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Alice: If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? |
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