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This thread was created on June 24, 2008
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Topic ID: 32055
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Rjjr_vectra
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jul 2007
Posts: 49
Reviews: 34
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:34 am Post subject: Ocean Song |
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Fell into the ocean, into the dark I see
black-hearted angels swim with me
taking me deeper into my bottomless sea
all my past and futures were with me
all the things I used to see
my angels that swim with me
fish sway and circle
as the light fades quietly
there was nothing to eat but me
here they deliver me
half-eaten and sleeping
my angels fly away, slowly
there is nothing to remember
nothing to forget
now there's no one with me
now I feel empty and free.
------
Wrote it while listening to "Pyramid Song" by Radiohead. Sounds really depressing, but so did the song  |
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Firestar
Flame of the West
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Posts: 433
Reviews: 35
Country: Where everyone is "Free", and you can sue anyone for thousands of dollars on a whim.
345 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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| I found it very rough and bumpy. Also there's some punctuation missing. |
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Alarainya
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 35
Reviews: 18
Country: U.S
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it, its a bit choppy, but very cool. It was different, and kind of creepy. Just watch out for punctuation.
I have to mention this, but I was just about to post a poem I wrote. Guess what the name is? "Ocean Song" I'm sorry, but I thought that was really funny. |
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| This thread was created on June 24, 2008 |
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