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by Black Cat Sachiko in Science-Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on June 23, 2008
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Cantarella
Topic ID: 32045
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moosiegirl   View This User's Portfolio
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Country: some elegant Masquerade lost in the ruins of time...
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:07 am    Post subject: Cantarella Reply with quote

June 19, 1612

My story starts with a prick of blood, flowing endlessly down, past the second story window of the crowded city streets, behind the castle walls. The blood, so light that it drifts down as a feather, falls right in front of my father’s eye. His eyes dilate, and I stare at him, seeing his monstrous being. He snatches and grasps it with his tongue. His tongue licks the swirling, pearly red droplet. He smiles satisfied at looks up. We both see the maiden. Her eyes are pale blue with flecks of gold. Se sits on her windowsill holding a spindle. Her eyes have the mark of one who’s blood has been drawn. I gasp and sit sullenly, knowing that she has been enchanted by my father, for one who’s blood a vampire tastes, can not resist, and is bound forever. The vampire in turn is bound to the one who’s blood they draw. She is to be my new stepmother. They are to be married in a fortnight .

May 8, 1622

10 years has passed since I was six years old and much has changed. My stepmother had brought with her two daughters. They have tormented me and called me “iglia della notte” or “daughter of the night”. They are not vampires. They do not understand the suffering of being one for the four hundred, one of the fallen angels. They do not feel the hunger, the torture of succumbing, not being able to reach paradise. My father still calls me his beloved Cantarella. I do not speak of him lightly for he and his new wife are shunned from my life. His daughters have taken over the house hold and I am but a serving maid. The prince holds a ball tomorrow and I am unable to attend. My sisters laugh and gossip while they dress for the ball. They both hope that the prince will choose them to marry. I stand in the shadows with my spindles, watching them. They are too happy for their own good, but they are only mortal.

May 9, 1622

The day of the ball has come and my sisters have left. I am alone at home at last. I cannot stay for long. The prince I found out, is a vampire. He was in a procession for the ball and I watched out my window. He had the blue sheen, I am sure of it. My sisters will be hurt if I stay home. I cannot risk their corruption. I must disguise myself and save them from the night, the endless torture of false love, and the listless sleep of death.

Later

I arrived at the ball. The room smells of roses. I wore my mother’s wedding gown and her porcelain mask. I spotted the prince right away. His blue veins glow with a mesmerizing glare. His hair an ebony wave, lips a dead rose, skin like silk, all beautiful to me. I went up to him, my mask over my eyes. He held out his hand to me. He thought I wanted to dance. He must be stopped. We dance to a waltz. His eyes never stray from mine. We talk through our minds as he shares his memories with me. I gave him the story of my past lives. We of the immortal shed our mortal shells every 100 years. Our blood lives on and that makes us immortal. I see recognition in his eyes as he stops at one memory. My most precious memory, one of me and my lost blood-bound twin. My other half, my better half, my twin from heaven. Michael, one of the archangels, who gave up paradise to be with me, Gabriel. I stared into his eyes seeking the answer I desired. I wanted him to be Michael. He seemed to have understood me for he gave me a curt nod of his head. We ended up dancing for hours upon end. I pleaded with him silently to let me return home to collect my mother’s things and that then we would be together again. He seemed to agree and his eyes softened. He smiled and released me from his mesmerizing stare. I turned and fled the ball. Everyone’s eyes were on me, but when I turned around, the only one I could focus on was his.I am collecting my things as I write. My sisters will be back from the ball at any moment. I found everything except for my mother’s necklace, the Bane of Lucifer. Legend says that when Lucifer was banished from heaven, an emerald from his crown fell, people also call it the Holy Grail. It is the only thing I want from this house.

May 10. 1622

I ran to my sisters’ room and searched their jewelry boxes. Finally, I found it in Grassina’s case with her rosary. Just as I grabbed it, the front door opened and my sisters returned home. They were sullen as they walked up the stairs and stopped in shock as they saw me hunched over their jewelry.

“Thief.” Isabelle cried. “Ladra.”

“Traditore!” Grassina snarled. “ You are wearing that whore’s dress.”

I grabbed the necklace and tried to side step them. They were too quick for me. Grassina yanked my hair and Isabelle snatched the necklace out of my hand. They shoved me at the bed and locked the door. I was trapped. I will never see my prince, my paradise again.

May 22, 1622

He came to our house. Michael came to every house in the city. He was looking for me. I cried out for him, but he couldn’t see me. His sense are duller in the daylight. I am as good as lost without him.

Later

Nighttime fell and I thought all was lost. I felt something swell up deep inside me. I sang out my sorrows. The song was eerie, sad with a hint of longing for all I lost. It was a song with no words, in a language only the chosen few could understand. It was the song of the vampires. Michael appeared at my window minutes later. His eyes glowed when he saw me.

“Bella?” He whispered. “É quello voi?”

“Yes.” I replied. “It is me. I am here.”

He reached up to the window and broke the glass with his hands. Come, he gestured. I climbed out from the window just as my sisters opened the door. Michael helped me down and we rode his horse back to his castle.

“Michael?” I asked.

“ Sí?” He inquired.

Do you still love me? I thought.

He kissed me and it invoked my senses. I felt home, I felt love, I felt heaven.


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"I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom."
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Griffinkeeper   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A diary based story, minus the personal experiences, characters, and stories one would expect.

Throw into this an author obsessed with vampires and you have... this.

Seriously, this story needs to be re-organized. It reads like a time line.

June 19, 1612: I woke up, took a shower and went to school.

May 8, 1622: Ten years later, I arrived at school.

May 9, 1622: I took my first class.

May 10. 1622: I took my final class.

May 22, 1622: I graduated and returned home.

Kill the timeline.

I think you should just scrap everything and try again.

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Aneke   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 11:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this story, I really do. But I have to agree somewhat with Griffinkeeper: the diary format doesn't quite work here. I think part of it is the fact that the protagonist is quite wooden; I don't feel like I know her or care about her. Her sisters aren't very interesting either. I like the idea of a Vampire Cinderella story but I think you're going to need to take some time to flesh out the actors and actresses. The angelic theme could work too I think, if properly handled.

I'm also curious about the father - he really fades out and I wonder why he doesn't step in to stop the dysfunctions in his family. And if Cantarella shares such a bond with Michael, wouldn't she share such a bond with her father? Just curious.

This is an interesting piece with good thematic possibilities but overall I think you need to slow down and allow characters to develop and allow readers to get to know them, especially if there is romance going on.
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Tatra   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vampires in Cinderella are interesting, and I like how you sort of followed Ever After's version of events. Sort of being the keyword, but it did remind me of Ever After, the movie.

Now, I understand that the contest has a word limit of 1500 words, and that really isn't enough to truly go into detail. To be honest, I don't think it's enough to go through the entire story. I think you need to pick one moment in your vampire story, and write that one with the detail that it deserves.

You can decide to write the ball, and write about your Vampire daughter dancing with the Vampire prince for the whole night. You could write about the rescue of the Vampire daughter after the ball. Just, choose something and really connect us to the moment.

Beyond that, I really do think that you should also expand this. Take out the diary format, I don't think you really need that, and write out your story. You'd be able to fully tell your story, and also connect it to your readers.

Quote:
My story starts with a prick of blood, flowing endlessly down, past the second story window of the crowded city streets, behind the castle walls. The blood, so light that it drifts down as a feather, falls right in front of my father’s eye. His eyes dilate, and I stare at him, seeing his monstrous being. He snatches and grasps it with his tongue. His tongue licks the swirling, pearly red droplet. He smiles, satisfied and looks up. We both see the maiden. Her eyes are pale blue with flecks of gold. She sits on her windowsill holding a spindle. Her eyes have the mark of one who’s blood has been drawn. I gasp and sit sullenly, knowing that she has been enchanted by my father, for one who’s blood a vampire tastes, can not resist, and is bound forever. The vampire in turn is bound to the one who’s blood they draw. She is to be my new stepmother. They are to be married in a fortnight .

Okay, long list of things here, mostly because this is really begging to be fully developed.

First, there's a run on sentence. I really like the first words of it, but then you get a bit too complicated. Tone down on the descriptions there. Second, I don't really think that blood is a light liquid. I mean, it's not a heavy liquid, but not exactly a feather. Third, would the blood drop, or stream, really make it down to her father's eye? This is a nice part to show that her father's a vampire, and not just tell. Also, the tongue thing is just freaky, and I would rather have some other method of the father getting the new stepmother's blood.

Fourth, you've already said that his tongue snatches the blood, therefore, it's in his mouth. Plus, it's freaky, and has too flowery descriptions. Fifth, minor corrections. Six, how can they both see what color her eyes are?

Seventh, minor corrections, and I think you should switch the italicized sentence with the one with the eyes. Because you go maiden, eyes, maiden, eyes. Eighth, what mark is this? Also, again with being able to see the eyes. Ninth, again, a run-on sentence. Also, why is she so sullen about this? Shouldn't this be normal for her, or does she know something she's not telling the reader? Tenth, the whole stepmother thing is just really random. Were they out to find a stepmother, and that's why her father decided to taste the blood. Is she going to be the stepmother because the father tasted the blood? Why is she going to be the stepmother, and how did the daughter find out?

Quote:
His daughters have taken over the house hold and I am but a serving maid.

His daughters? Shouldn't it be her daughters? Why isn't the dad in her life? Another part that really needs to be developed. Also, the 'but a serving maid' is a bit cliche from all the other Cinderella stories.

Quote:
The prince holds a ball tomorrow and I am unable to attend.

Really random, and it just seems like a regular Cinderella tale. She doesn't seem to feel any emotion in this. Just, oh, the prince is throwing a ball, I suppose I have to go...

Quote:
The prince, I found out, is a vampire. He was in a procession for the ball and I watched out my window. He had the blue sheen, I am sure of it. My sisters will be hurt if I stay home. I cannot risk their corruption. I must disguise myself and save them from the night, the endless torture of false love, and the listless sleep of death.

Comma. Also, why on earth does she care about her stepsisters? They enslave her, and she wants to save them?

Quote:
His blue veins glow with a mesmerizing glare

Veins?

Quote:
His hair an ebony wave, lips a dead rose, skin like silk, all beautiful to me.

This part needs some work, and why is she suddenly falling in love?

Quote:
We talk through our minds as he shares his memories with me. I gave him the story of my past lives.

Bit random to be sharing so soon.

Quote:
My most precious memory, one of me and my lost blood-bound twin. My other half, my better half, my twin from heaven. Michael, one of the archangels, who gave up paradise to be with me, Gabriel. I stared into his eyes seeking the answer I desired. I wanted him to be Michael. He seemed to have understood me for he gave me a curt nod of his head.

This part is a bit freaky. She's falling in love with her brother? Sure, I get that it was a past life, but, when one remembers, it still doesn't work.

Quote:
May 10. 1622

Random date change. Keep in mind that, when you're writing in your journal, you don't switch dates like that.

Quote:
I will never see my prince, my paradise again.

A bit too melodramatic. She's just locked in the room, we see nothing permanent in that.

I really do think you could do better with a rewrite, focusing on one moment within the story. Forget about telling the reader everything, but show the reader that one moment.

Good luck!

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Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

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This thread was created on June 23, 2008

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