Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Get A Free YWS Sticker!

Writing Olympics Event #7 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
the sounds of my summer.
the sounds of my summer.

by neophilic in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 23, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


My Inked Hands
Topic ID: 32042
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Poppy Mare   View This User's Portfolio
New Member


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0

169 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:07 pm    Post subject: My Inked Hands Reply with quote

It was dark and I was on my knees, my hands pressing against the chest of my dear friend. My friend was hurt badly. Bleeding from the chest. My dear friend’s eyes were closed and the black blood was starting to seep through my fingers.

“Hang on,” I heard myself say. “Just hang on. It’s only a scratch.”

My friend’s breathing were shallow, his face crunching up in pain. “Just… a scratch…” he said.

He needed help, but no one on this planet could do anything without thinking I was some insane person. “Just…” I looked around frantically. We were just outside my home. I could go in and get paper… “Just press against the wound!” I shouted, staggering to my feet. “I’ll go get paper,” I hoped I was doing to right thing.

Inside my home, I stormed my own bedroom and pulled out notebook. “Paper, paper, paper…”I cursed softly under my breath. No clean paper. At that moment I heard thunder just outside. My heart sank. “Oh no.” Running up to a window, I saw rain clouds forming. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!”

I ran about my home, tossing my folders out, raiding my computer desk, and looking under my bed. Funny, how whenever you need a new, clean sheet of paper, I could never find one. “Dammit!!” I cursed and raced outside. For right now, I had to get my friend inside. It took me a couple of minute to get to my friend. Around here, the weather changes quickly.

Outside, rain was starting to sprinkle the pavement, making it look darker with each drop. “Can you walk?” I asked stupidly, kneeling down on my knees and wrapping one of his arms over my neck.

“Just a scratch,” he said groggily. His hand was still pressed against his chest, but it was covered with black ink. He winced when a droplet of water hit his face. “Rain…?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know! Just try to work with me here,” I panicked when the droplets became more and more frequent. I began walking with him, back to my place. But my friend was far to weak. He would stumble and trip over the smallest of things. I ignored the possible permanent damage the ink might do to my shirt and tried to get my dear friend to limp.

Instead, he laughed softly to himself and looked up at the rainy clouds. “This is… my first time… being out in the rain.” As he said that a droplet hit him several time on the face and he began bleeding more. He faced me and grinned painfully, black ink running down his face.

“Stop looking up!” I snapped at him. In my hurry to get him inside, I guess I should have noticed the puddle in front of us. But I didn’t. When I tried running over it, my foot twisted at the slipperiness and both me and my friend fell on our backs. Unlike most people, my friend shrieked at the contact of water. I scrambled on all fours and tried lifting him up, but it was too late. Much like ink on paper, he began to fade. His inky body just slipped through my hands. “No, no, no, no!!!”

In a couple of seconds, my greatest creation and my best friend was nothing more than a black puddle of ink in my yard. All I had were my inked hands.

Now who’s going to tell my story to the world?

-Poppy Mare


_________________
I want to do many, many things with my life, but I'm wy too scred to really say. Writing, I guess is a way of being able to so all the things I want and not worry about being hurt.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
As the world falls down...
Speaker of the Forum

459
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 735
Reviews: 459
Country: Underground
710 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, the plight of the writer and the curse of runny ink.

Very nice story here. I liked the way you literally personified a writing project. Or was it a character? Either way, it was very nice.

My big critique would be about the repeated use of the word "friend." You say it three times in four sentences in the first paragraph and it is sprinkled throughout the rest of the piece. Is there anything you could use to replace it? Can you name the "friend" without giving anything away?

Also: What happened in the beginning that there would be a fatal wound in the story/character? I'm curious... It could be explained a little bit more. Unless it was the rain that did it...

Anyway, I really liked this. The innocence of the friend as they are in the rain for the first time is great. Hearty cheers from me on your excellent work!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me

Jareth/Sarah shipper...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Iya Ythmir   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

40
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 05 May 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 40
Country: Niflheim
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it! I like how you put in a character as another living being. I've been toying with the same idea for months now but I never got down to writing it. You put in one aspect I didn't think about - the ink. Hooray for originality!

I'm putting a gold star on this!

Oh, and welcome to YWS. Wink

_________________
Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
Speaker of the Forum

474
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 783
Reviews: 474
Country: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. We wave the Red, White, and Blue...well you get it.
1511 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Very unique. I'm guessing you are describing, like GryphonFledgling said, a writing project that you worked so hard on, yet never trully finished. Or something like that??

Otherwise, very origional. I only noticed a few things:

First, in the first paragraph, you say "My friend" or "Dear friend" frequently, starting almost every sentence with it. It got very repetivie. I would advise using "he", as you called him.

Quote:
My friend was hurt badly. Bleeding from the chest.


Now, I think you should combine these two sentences. Try: My friend was hurt badly--bleeding from the chest. Or use a semicolon instead of a dash.

Quote:
“I’ll go get paper,” I hoped I was doing to right thing.


No need for the comma after "paper". Scratch that Wink

Besides all that, this was very good.

Keep Writing! Very Happy

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
GML   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

60
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 87
Reviews: 60
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Feel free to disregard anything I say--you are the author in the end! Smile


Quote:
“Hang on,” I heard myself say. “Just hang on. It’s only a scratch.”

Okay, this one is really my personal preference, but I hate it when dialogue is described in the "I heard myself say" way. It makes me feel as if the character is surprised to hear themselves say what they were going to say...

Quote:
I ran about my home

Quote:
over the smallest of things

These sections, to me, are a bit awkward. Just in the way that they don't fit in the way you speak throughout the rest of the piece. Keep it consistent.

Quote:
“No, no, no, no!!!”

Aah! More than one exclamation point! *faints*
Wink

Quote:
Now who’s going to tell my story to the world?

I love this ending, but I feel as if there should be one more sentence or so preceding it. It's kind of an abrupt change from the story.

------------------------
I only skimmed the other critiques, so my aplogies if I repeat what has been said somewhat.

What makes this story work is your brilliant idea of having your MC's character as a character in the story, bleeding ink. Very nice. This is what makes this work. Having said that, that may be why at first I assumed your writing was just as good. But you have a bit to do on the actual writing.

You use adverbs a lot. Not just in dialogue tags, as a lot of writers do but also throughout the narration. This is telling us whats going on instead of showing us, which you must strive to do. I'll give you just one example. You do the rest on your own...
Quote:
He faced me and grinned painfully, black ink running down his face.

Painfully, hmmm. How can we show pain?...(sorry if this isn't very good...)
He faced me and showed his teeth in what seemed to be an attempt at a grin. Not a very good one though; the pain was there in every frown line, in every hair of his dipped eyebrows, in between each clenched tooth. The ink slid in thin black snakes, slithering down the sides of his worried face.
Get it? Got it. Good.

You're lucky. You have a brilliant piece to show us. It's just screaming out for imagery. Let's have some! The ink, the rain, it all lends itself to the five senses. We want to be there with the characters; take us there.

One thing: you always call the character "my friend." Switch it up a bit and use other names besides this. It gets repetitive.

This made me extremely curious why he was bleeding so much. You did a great job, despite all I said. And once you touch it up, it will be brilliant. I'll give you a gold star on account of how good your idea was. Also--I was kind of disappointed that I already knew it was ink when it began from your title and subject line. Don't give it away! You only tell us it's ink halfway through the story. It'd be great if it were a surprise. Smile

Good luck and PM me with any questions.

--GML--

_________________
"Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down." --Ray Bradbury
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
lhighton   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

78
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 194
Reviews: 78
Country: England
379 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this, too. I think it's a new and fresh idea - so kudos to you there.
I think your dialogue was realistic (well, I don't know if 'realistic' fits, in a story like this) and had the right aspects of tension.
Quote:
“Yeah, yeah, I know! Just try to work with me here,”

When reading the above, I could just picture it all - very effective.
One thing, though - the prose itself didn't have the same panicky tone as the dialogue. It is almost removed, resigned, if you get me.

Quote:
In a couple of seconds, my greatest creation and my best friend was nothing more than a black puddle of ink in my yard. All I had were my inked hands.

Hmmm, good summary - but it kind of came out of nowhere.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
InvisibleInkx   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 6
Reviews: 2
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! This is such a cool idea! Just one question, though. Were you describing a character or a story? Either way, this was incredibly interesting to read.

-Nitpicks- (take/leave what you want. You are teh almighty creator Razz)

Quote:
It was dark and I was on my knees, my hands pressing against the chest of my dear friend. My friend was hurt badly. Bleeding from the chest. My dear friend’s eyes were closed and the black blood was starting to seep through my fingers. You've already used "friend" 3 times... might want to change the noun.

“Hang on,” I heard myself say. “Just hang on. It’s only a scratch.”


My friend’s breathing were shallow, his face crunching up in pain. “Just… a scratch…” he said. Maybe try "repeated?"


He needed help, but no one on this planet could do anything without thinking I was some insane person. “Just…” I looked around frantically. We were just outside my home. I could go in and get paper… “Just press against the wound!” I shouted, staggering to my feet. “I’ll go get paper,” I hoped I was doing to right thing.


Inside my home, I stormed my own bedroom and pulled out notebook. “Paper, paper, paper…”I cursed softly under my breath. No clean paper. At that moment I heard thunder just outside. My heart sank. “Oh no.” Running up to a window, I saw rain clouds forming. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!”


I ran about my home, tossing my folders out, raiding my computer desk, and looking under my bed. Funny, how whenever you need a new, clean sheet of paper, I could never find one. “Dammit!!” I cursed and raced outside. For right now, I had to get my friend inside. It took me a couple of minute to get to my friend. Around here, the weather changes quickly. That bit sounded choppy and slightly unnessasary. Might want to combine the first 2 sentences and omit the 3rd.

Outside, rain was starting to sprinkle the pavement, making it look darker with each drop. “Can you walk?” I asked stupidly, kneeling down on my knees and wrapping one of his arms over my neck. Sounds a bit awkward...


“Just a scratch,” he said groggily. His hand was still pressed against his chest, but it was covered with black ink. He winced when a droplet of water hit his face. “Rain…?”


“Yeah, yeah, I know! Just try to work with me here,” I panicked when the droplets became more and more frequent. I began walking with him, back to my place. But my friend was far to weak. He would stumble and trip over the smallest of things. I ignored the possible permanent damage the ink might do to my shirt and tried to get my dear friend to limp.


Instead, he laughed softly to himself and looked up at the rainy clouds. “This is… my first time… being out in the rain.” As he said that a droplet hit him several time on the face and he began bleeding more. He faced me and grinned painfully, black ink running down his face.


“Stop looking up!” I snapped at him. In my hurry to get him inside, I guess I should have noticed the puddle in front of us. But I didn’t. When I tried running over it, my foot twisted at the slipperiness and both me and my friend fell on our backs. Unlike most people, my friend shrieked at the contact of water. I scrambled on all fours and tried lifting him up, but it was too late. Much like ink on paper, he began to fade. His inky body just slipped through my hands. “No, no, no, no!!!” Sounds repetative

In a couple of seconds, my greatest creation and my best friend was nothing more than a black puddle of ink in my yard. All I had were my inked hands. It sort of detracts from the moment...

Now who’s going to tell my story to the world?


-----
I really enjoyed it. Great ending.

_________________
Harry Potter=LOVE
"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible." ~Vladimir Nabakov
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 23, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 23, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society