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Dark Is the Night
Dark Is the Night

by wisemann210 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 23, 2008
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Daughter of the Light -The Prophecy- (Chptr 1)

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Ashlee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:41 pm    Post subject: Daughter of the Light -The Prophecy- (Chptr 1) Reply with quote

~ Hello everyone, I'm writing a new story, and I would greatly appreciate it if you give me your honest opinion of it. Thanks! Very Happy ~

1

The sky rumbled angrily as I walked down the empty Italian street, the vacantness, becoming more and more unsettling.

The sky rumbled again.

If he knew what I was doing, he'd be furious, no doubt about it. Well, I'm no longer his to worry about, now am I? He made that perfectly clear in the events that took place today.

I sighed and kept on walking, letting the cool chill of the night air lift my blonde hair off my neck and let it dance behind me. It was getting hot, for it being November.Or maybe it was just my paranoia catching up with me. I mean considering where I was, what I was doing, and what I was wearing, I might have well put a big sign around my neck that read, "Dinner".

But, then again, that was the point. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to become one of them. A vampire. They ran this town, but were discreet about it. All that power, was theirs, to do whatever they wanted with it.

Now it was just a matter of playing the waiting game.

My heels clicked impatiently against the pavement.

"Fermasi, signoria Lucia." A man said coming out of the alley in front of me.

I obediently stopped, just as he had asked.

" What do you want?" I asked sounding more confident than I really was.

" Child, don't speak to me in such an insolent tone." He replied angrily, and in the blink of an eye he was standing in front of me. " You know what I want," He answered touching my moon amulet that was suspended by a crimson silk ribbon, precariously, tied around my neck. " but you know, little girls like you shouldn't be walking around at night trying to capture the attention of big bad vampires." He said grinning a malicious smile, that sent chills slithering down my spine." So child, my question to you is what do you want?"

" I want to be a vampire." I said trying my best to disguise my fear as eagerness.

He scrunched up his face. " Child, you are blunt. Why would I turn you into a vampire?"

" Stop calling me a child!" My voice thundered and his face flashed with anger and abhorrence. His grip on my necklace tightened and began to choke me. " Please, I'm eighteen, I'm no, neonato. So don't call me one." I said with resentment in my voice.

He loosened his grip. " As you wish, per adulti." He said somehow, finding humor in calling me a mature person. "Attenersi a mi."

Once again I obediently did what he told me to do, followed him, and turned down the alley he had came out of. Once we were no longer visible by the street lights he shoved me into the the building's brick wall. I yelped in pain.

" Silenzio!" He whispered fiercely as ripped my necklace off and vehemently sank his teeth into my neck.

I screamed in agony and pushed him away.

" Stronza!" He cursed under his breath, and pulled out a knife. He pushed me back against the brick wall and put the knife to my throat.

I panicked and kicked him in the stomach as hard as I could, and it was just enough to make him fall to the ground.

" Merda!" I whispered and looked at my collarbone which had a trail of scarlet colored blood trickling out of it. I clutched at it trying to slow the bleeding, but the gash was deep, and I couldn't do anything, because, I was being jerked by my ankle and collapsed on to the pavement.

He tried to stab me with the knife, but he was to slow. I grabbed the knife's silver blade with a death grip and screamed out in pain. The blade was making a huge gash in my palm. I tightened my grip on it, and blood began to seep out of my hand and crawl down my wrist like several red venomous snakes.

" Let go!" I shouted as he twisted the knife in my hand. I desperately kicked at him, until I finally managed to get him off of me. I crawled away from him. " Help, Help! Aiuto, Aiuto!" I pleaded to the empty streets. I screamed louder as he walked towards me.

" I thought I told you to shut that mouth of yours." He said irately. He reached down and jerked me up by my throat. I cried out in pain as he sank his teeth back into the side of my neck. His left hand still had my throat with a throttling grip, making it near impossible to call out for help.

I tried to wriggle away from him but it was no use. He was much stronger than me, and I was loosing too much blood.

" Help!" I tried to scream but it came out more of a whisper. I felt light headed, and black spots began to cloud my vision and blind me.

" Demetri!" A familiar voice shouted.

Demetri's head shot up, and he threw me to the ground as though I was nothing more than a rag doll.

" Hello, Davide."

Did I hear that right? Davide?! What was he doing here?

" What did you do to Lucia?" His voice got louder and was filled with anger.

" I just gave her what she wanted. " Demetri answered.

I heard movement.

" Don't you run off, you coward!" Davide yelled.

" What are you going to do if I do, Davide? Run after me? If you do your little girlfriend over there will die." Demetri said almost enjoying his self. I heard the sound of someone walking away.

" Tu codardo stronzo. " Davide mumbled and appeared beside me. His thick black hair was messy, as usual, and his eyes held panic in them.

" Lucia?"

" Yeah?" I croaked.

" Why did you do this?"

I was quiet for a long time.

" I just wanted to become a vampire. You already told me you sure as hell weren't gonna turn me, and then today, you... You know." I didn't want to discuss him breaking up with me as I bled to death.

" Well we can talk about this later, but because of your reckless antics I have no choice, but to do the only thing I can to save you."

My eyelids began to grow heavy.

" Davide?"

" Yes?"

" Thank you... For coming over here to save me... Thank you... For everything...."


_________________
"I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is." "There are no coincidences... only the illusion of coincidence."
-V from V for Vendetta


Last edited by Ashlee on Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:41 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Fangala the Flying Feline   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, you can never have too many vampire stories, can you?

So, it's good that you open with an action scene, but I think you do too much explaining. Are you familiar with the term "show, don't tell?" It's a writer's most valuable piece of advice. You don't want to either insult or confuse your reader by drowning them in explanation. Especially not in your first chapter. At this point, we don't need to know anything but the action.

Quote:
f he knew what I was doing, he'd be furious, no doubt about it. Well, I'm no longer his to worry about, now am I? He made that perfectly clear in the events that took place today.
I sighed and kept on walking, letting the cool chill of the night air lift my auburn hair off my neck and let it dance behind me. It was getting hot, for it being November.Or maybe it was just my paranoia catching up with me. I mean considering where I was, what I was doing, and what I was wearing, I might have well put a big sign around my neck that read, "Dinner".
But, then again, that was the point. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to become one of them. A vampire. They ran this town, but were discreet about it. All that power, was theirs, to do whatever they wanted with it.

Now it was just a matter of playing the waiting game.


Good passage, but unnecessary. You can save this for later. At this point, I'm not really interested in who "he" is. Besides, "he" appears at the end of the chapter anyway.

Quote:
He answered touching my moon amulet that was suspended by a crimson silk ribbon, precariously, tied around my neck


This sounds awkward. How can a necklace be tied precariously?

Another thing: just by the dialogue, I can't tell if this is modern or... um... less modern Italy. You might want to say what year it is.

As for the italicized Italian, I think you go a little overboard. A little Italian adds a gorgeous foreign flare, but too much hurts the head.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. It's intriguing and fast-paced. I hope this critique is remotely helpful. PM me when you post the next part.

Best of luck!

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Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow this was good!

Lucky for you though that I know a little Italian because if didn't I'd be lost. I usually don't read short-fast paced stories because they urk me but I liked this. It was filled with just amount of thrill and action but it showed the beautiful romantic side. A girl who's heart is broken by her vampire sweetheart, wants nothing but for her heart to stop so doesn't feel the pain of lost love. This seems a little like Twilight, well your MC is a little like Bella but more fierce I should say. With a few tweaks here and there this could be great. This was good, I'll keep reading.
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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