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Less Than Perfect 2
Less Than Perfect 2

by Tabithalillian in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 23, 2008
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Bearer of the Rubyarc; renamed Rising of the Moon- Chapter 1

Rising of the Moon-- Chapter 2
Topic ID: 32023
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Kiss In The Rain   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:25 pm    Post subject: Rising of the Moon-- Chapter 2 Reply with quote

Chapter 2

My very breath was frozen in my chest. She was it? She was what I was supposed to be fearing?

She who was absolutely gorgeous?

It couldn’t be her. There was no way.

She was only a kid— no more than fifteen, right? Or she looked it, anyway.

Her hair was loose around her face as I watched her jog along the pier. Her dark tresses seemed to sparkle even in the lack of sunlight. Prettily, I imagined. But still, she couldn’t be it. Not my enemy.

Her eyes flashed back and forth when she reached her car— amazingly blue, drizzled with gold.

It still blew me away. She was a total city girl. Pampered and cheerleader-ish and probably annoying. Why I even cared was another blow. She was nothing. Nothing but an enemy that I could squash in five seconds.

But could I actually do it? I had the power. I had the skill. I had the attitude— but did I have the heart to kill someone? To destroy something so beautiful?

It’s against the law to destroy rain forests, right? Tropical rain forests hold some of the most beautiful and rare flowers in the world. It’s stunning there. I should know.

If she expresses the same beauty, shouldn’t it be against the law to destroy her to? Double counts right? One for destroying magnificence, one for destroying in general?

Maybe; perhaps. Maybe things didn’t have to be awful. Maybe we didn’t have to hunt each other. Maybe destiny could be defied.

Or maybe not. Maybe I should just take her out now.

Wait now— what is she doing? What does she have? Some kind of Rubyarc voodoo that I’m being totally oblivious of?

No, of course not. Only me being paranoid. She’s only drawing— the pencil is flying across the paper. She looks so peaceful.

If there was ever an opportune time, now was it. Right now, she could be out like a light in five seconds.

And she would die at my fingertips. She will beg for mercy while I force her throat to close. She will struggle to her very last breath, like I have been taught. But I won’t let go— oh no. Blood will be poured, tears will be shed, but she will lose a fruitless fight. I will watch the light fade from her eyes, and I will take my prize.

The Rubyarc will be mine, and I will hone the power. I will control the sun, and I will become immune the pain that is fire. I will be strong; for the Rubyarc is the weak.

The Emrillance will prevail. We shall win the war that is our very existence. Rubyarc and Emrillance—Fire and Ice. Two opposites; destined enemies.

But here the questions begin. If Ice can overcome Fire, isn’t it truth to say that Fire can just as easily melt Ice?

*~*

I know that this was really vague, and chapter four will probably be the same way, but that's the way it is supposed to be until this character is formally introduced. Tell me what you think...

*~*Kiss*~*


_________________
Some say the world will end in {FIRE}/Some say in {ICE}/From what I’ve tasted of desire/I hold with those who favor {FIRE}/But if it had to perish twice/I think I know enough of hate/To know that for destruction {ICE}/Is also great/And would suffice
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I only noticed one thing in this chapter:

Quote:
She was what I was supposed to be fearing?


I think just plain “fear” instead of “be fearing” would fit better. But that is just me Wink

Well, this is really good, structure wise, if I only noticed one error, and it is only my own personal preference. But I do think it is vague. You really need to elaborate this character in this chapter more. I know you mentioned that at the bottom and I’m sorry that I am being repetitive. Very Happy I want to know more about…him?? Is it a he? That’s the vibe I go, at least. I want to know more about his personality, his morals, his desires!

Now, I must say you have my attention! This chapter was very attention-grabbing. You had me hooked and I was deeply disappointed when it ended!

I will keep my eyes peeled for Chapter Three…or you can just PM me! Wink

((also, I just noticed that you have a prologue for this, so I guess I'm going to have to go backwards and check that out as well! Wink )

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
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This thread was created on June 23, 2008

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