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This thread was created on June 23, 2008
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Topic ID: 32018
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2Write4ALLways
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 13
Country: America
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:16 pm Post subject: Together? |
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Hands are clasped
His taste still resting on her lips
A smile in her eyes
Thankful for that stolen kiss
Leaning up against his chest
Stroking fingers through her hair
Closes her eyes in disbelief
That they are really there
He holds her softly
Warmth bonding them together
He tenses slightly
When she whispers, “forever”
Noticing his change of heart
She starts to pull away
“I love you, dear. I’m sorry.”
That is all that he can say
He left her sitting there
Broken and in tears
Wondering how she could have let him
Fulfill all her worst fears
And as he leaves her side
She cries out his name
He cannot turn around
It would cause him too much pain
Why does it hurt him?
Because he really loves her.
But he has to leave her
Cause a commitment to another
He will not forget her
She keeps him up at night
And she still has the dreams
Of when things just felt so right
And so they lie in bed
With someone else beside them
But in their dreams they are together
A firm hand to rely on
Its killing him
How could he leave her?
She hates herself
For being the believer
Maybe one day
The truth will be spoken
Maybe one day
She won’t feel so broken
Or maybe it will never end
And they will live forever
Wishing they could have each other
Wishing they’re together |
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Writing for love is a pas
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 217
Reviews: 75
Country: none ya (US)
433 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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Oooh. This is so nice in the beggining, then it gets sad. I think I cried. I didn't think that anything sounded cliche, which is good. The flow was even and soothing. Your topic, is, so amazing, that almost everyone can relate to it. It's so sad! The ending was very strong and I liked it. The beggining drew me in, so that's very well written. The description was amazing. Can't wait to see more.
-WFL- |
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Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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Evolmega
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Whoa :O. I liked this alot, very well written, easy to picture =o. But yeah, It is sad  |
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Galatea
ti'wari
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 22
Joined: 24 Nov 2004
Posts: 2102
Reviews: 128
Country: summerland
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
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| You create a lovely image here, but I would encourage you, just as an exerciese, to rewrite it without the rhythm and rhyme. Why, you ask? I feel very strongly that those two Rs are holding you back. You change the picture to fit the schemes and it ends up falling completely flat because of it. There is a lot of potential here, I'd hate to see it squished because you feel the need to rhyme. A lovely piece in its own right though. Keep on writing. |
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| This thread was created on June 23, 2008 |
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