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This thread was created on June 22, 2008
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Topic ID: 32004
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Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 61
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:37 am Post subject: The Shining Sea |
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The Shining Sea
The shining sea is my lover.
She is a doormat, she is my blood.
She spreads cherry jellyfish
on the darkened toast of my body.
They wriggle and they squirm
like spaghetti noodles on a tongue.
She makes me writhe with glee.
The shining sea is my trash can.
She is very sick, she needs cleaning.
She coughs yellow phlegm
on her counterpart of all time.
It’s syrupy and it’s crashing
inside her lover’s waffle-like form.
I’m not sticky with disease.
The shining sea is my killer.
She is a hunter, she’s malevolent.
She channels mighty power
through me and under my toes.
I’m struggling and I’m straining
to fight the gravity of her stare.
She laughs at my attempts.
The shining sea is my deity.
She is a shelter, she houses me.
She throws lighting bolts
oh so much stronger than Zeus.
Her magnet and her hypnosis
made me North, she is South.
The attraction is all silent. |
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"If you love something, give it away"
~ Conor Oberst
Last edited by Ringo_rules987 on Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:05 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Bittersweet
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 21 May 2008
Posts: 217
Reviews: 77
Country: United States
393 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
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Eeeh! This is excellent, Ringo! You have such a clever, deep, and sophisticated way to put words into poems. I respect you for that one, dude.  I only found one thing that could be changed slightly to sound better:
| Quote: |
| like the spaghetti noodles on a tongue. |
I think if you get rid of "the" in this sentence, it would read better.
Anywhoo, I enjoyed this one immensely. Very lovely. And nice. Sorry I can't give you more than that for a review, but all I can say is that it is super wonderfull. I think this is my second favorite of all your poems! -thumbs up-
Keep writing!
Holly |
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Fangala the Flying Feline
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 273
Reviews: 216
Country: 20% in the present, 80% in my head
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, shocking. This is certainly one of the more unusual poems out there, and I must say, you pulled it off quite nicely. It's free verse, but it flows like rhyme. Beautiful. And you did a great job at conveying the mood too. Now I feel all tingly and weird after reading it... so congratulations!
Now it's time for my nitpicks:
| Quote: |
The shining sea is my lover.
She is a doormat, she is my blood.
She spreads cherry jellyfish
on the darkened toast of my body.
They wriggle and they squirm
like spaghetti noodles on a tongue.
She makes me writhe with glee. |
Awesome similes. However, you go overboard (excuse the pathetic pun). I would say keep the jellyfish simile, but drop the spaghetti one and replace it with straightforward narrative. You don't want to drown (excuse this pathetic pun, too) your reader in metaphors and similes or you'll lose them.
| Quote: |
The shining sea is my killer.
She is a hunter, she’s malevolent.
She channels mighty power
through me and under my toes.
I’m struggling and I’m straining
to fight the gravity of her stare.
She laughs at my attempts. |
I really like this verse. It's simple, powerful, and to-the-point.
Overall, amazing. Keep up the good work! |
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"Hey look! A black shooting star!"
"That's no star...that's Fangala!" |
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| This thread was created on June 22, 2008 |
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