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patience_isnt
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 Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: Abortions. |
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**Alright people. This is just a draft, so don't get too harsh with me. I really need a good mark on this, so any help would be appreciated. Thanks.**
Abortions: what does it mean to you? Ladies, if you got pregnant by accident, would you get an abortion? Gentlemen, if your girlfriend or wife got pregnant by accident, would you want her to get an abortion? In this text, I will explain why and why not to get an abortion.
Most women who get abortions tend to be teens and young women. Why? Well, because they are too young to take care of a baby. They’re either in high school, college or they’re juggling career choices. These young women probably aren’t in a good relationship, are too busy or can’t afford to take care of someone else. Also, teenagers who get pregnant are usually put into the “slut” category because of their bad choices. If they end up keeping the baby, the child won’t get into a good school later on, they’ll live in a bad neighbourhood and the child will overall not have as good as choices as a child born from a stable family.
Some women are married and already have children, but can’t take care of another baby. Maybe it’s the costs of raising another child, maybe it’s the time involved or maybe they just couldn’t handle the stress of another child.
There is also that group of women who got an abortion because they were raped. They didn’t want to give birth to a child who might have the same characteristics as the father of the child. So they got an abortion.
“Republicans are against abortion until their daughters need one; Democrats are for abortion until their daughter wants one.”
-Grace McGarvie
If there’s a way to get rid of pregnancies in teens before birth, then why are there so many pregnant teenage girls? That can only be answered with one word: beliefs. Many teens and women couldn’t stand killing someone else for their own mistakes. Imagine you might not exist right now if your parents decided just to get an abortion. That would be terrible; a world without you.
Okay, so those teens, young women, and even rape victims out there. What will they do? Raise the baby even if they can’t? Of course not. They give birth to the child then give it up for adoption. Even though you might not want the child, someone else will. A couple who wants children but for some reason can’t get pregnant themselves may just want to adopt your baby.
If you’re thinking of getting an abortion, just remember this:
“A person is a person, no matter how big or small.”
-Horton Hears A Who, Dr. Seuss. |
Last edited by patience_isnt on Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:22 am; edited 1 time in total |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:08 am Post subject: |
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I love:
"Also, teenagers who get pregnant are usually put into the “slut” category"
If you’re thinking of getting an abortion, just remember this:
“A person is a person, no matter how big or small.”
-Horton Hears A Who, Dr. Seuss.
Overall::
This is AMAZING. The issue you address is awesome. Perhaps you could get some interviews of direct quotes rather than just your own opinions and that one quote at the end. I love the way you phrase everything. This would make a great speech.
Keep fighting for what you believe in.
10/10 |
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patience_isnt
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: |
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| tennisprincess wrote: |
I love:
"Also, teenagers who get pregnant are usually put into the “slut” category"
If you’re thinking of getting an abortion, just remember this:
“A person is a person, no matter how big or small.”
-Horton Hears A Who, Dr. Seuss.
Overall::
This is AMAZING. The issue you address is awesome. Perhaps you could get some interviews of direct quotes rather than just your own opinions and that one quote at the end. I love the way you phrase everything. This would make a great speech.
Keep fighting for what you believe in.
10/10 |
Thank you so much! I didn't realize it was that great. I think I will get some interviews or other quotes. That's a really great idea. |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:06 am Post subject: |
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Love it!
It was well written, and a powerful message. Bravo!
And I agree with tennisprincess; interviews and more direct quotes would definitely improve this alot more... but it doesn't need much anyway. 
Gotta love it! |
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patience_isnt
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:12 am Post subject: |
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| Livinginfantasy wrote: |
Love it!
It was well written, and a powerful message. Bravo!
And I agree with tennisprincess; interviews and more direct quotes would definitely improve this alot more... but it doesn't need much anyway.
Gotta love it! |
Thanks. I appreciate it. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: |
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Wait, is this for school?
1. Cite your sources! Give us juicy meat as references so this piece is not just your opinion... it's your opinion backed by a bunch of other reputable sources! That way, you can become more persuasive. So tell us where you came up with the fact that most women who have abortions are young! And make sure your sources are reputable... otherwise, it all breaks down.
2. Look for better quotes. You're audience is going to be very unimpressed when you use Dr. Seuss as a reference, unless you have a bunch of stronger quotes to back it up before. And don't forget to make it reputable sources! 
So just look for citing your work. It'll make it good, honest. |
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jclifton
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: |
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i believe the quote is
"a person is a person, no matter how small"
i guess i could be wrong |
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Gahks
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there!
As an experienced speaker and speechwriter, I thought I'd lend my expertise to this!
Firstly, please, please, please don't call it a 'text'. This is a SPEECH, remember? You wrote it so people could listen to it, so read it. Calling it a 'text' gives it the impression that it is an essay, which clearly it is not.
EDIT: You announced this as an essay, but the address to an audience makes this seem like a speech. Please decide one or the other.
I'm with Snoink on the "Dr. Seuss" quote: it's not exactly an appealing source. Try something more authoritative.
This speech is mostly full of your own opinions. Find some other trusted authorities who can support your case.
Don't forget to acknowledge alternative points of view (e.g. "Yes, I agree with X view that... but I feel that..."). If you don't, you will leave yourself open to attack.
Otherwise, good job on the first draft. Hope the next one's even better!
Good luck!
Gahks
6/10 |
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JustMe.
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with the above posters...
More quotes would really add to this...
I really liked the first quote and the tone of the piece as a whole...
I also agree that this seems like more of a speech than an essay...
However I really enjoyed reading it.
(I used way too many elipses in this response!) |
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Icaruss
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:44 am Post subject: |
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Random Thought #3: If I got my girlfriend pregnant I wouldn't make her have an abortion. I would probably send her boxing. Or sign her up for some rugby lessons. Toss her off a cliff. Flacon-punch, that sort of thing. I would, also, be an idiot.
When you started out you had me thinking this would be an unbiased piece. You say you will give us the reasons about "why and why not" have an abortion. You don't. You tell us things most of us already knew, and then tell us why we should all be against abortion. The Dr. Seuss quote was nice. It must make midgets feel good about themselves. It also, doesn't apply.
See, Horton here is talking about microscopic people. A community. Who talk and walk around. The whole thing about pro-abortion groups is that the child is not a person, regardless of the fact that he is little. If he doesn't have a brain, a face, if it doesn't feel stuff, it is not a person. Therefore, abortion is not killing.
Then comes the question about when, then, does the child become, you know, an actual child? And even if we got rid of it before it reaches that certain age, wouldn't snuffing out the possibility of it reaching the status of person also be like killing it? But you have the perfect answer, don't you? Adoption. But... Living your life knowing you have a child out there? Living your life unable to make a difference in your own son's life? And not to mention the complete clusterf*ck that is the adoption system. At least, over here in South America. And telling your parents you are pregnant, and the shame that comes with it, and everyone will know, and what if your boyfriend wants to keep it and, after all, it's an embryo, it's small, it won't feel a thing, just a snip...
It comes to the girl's choice. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to make that choice, but I also can't bring myself to judge, no matter what that choice is. Saying things like "imagine what it would've been for your parents not to have you" is trivializing the whole matter.
I don't think that nobody who is pro-abortion is actually for abortions. They don't give pamphlets around encouraging girls to get rid of their unborn babies. All things considered, I think that letting young women have that possibility is much more humane that putting pressure on them, and condeming them to hell, and forcing them to have the child.
Random Thought #24: A thirteen year old I know is pregnant. She probably won't be, shortly. That makes me sad. It would make me sadder for her to have it.
OK, but enought about this. Your thing is not that... good. It's kind of estructureless, especially with the quotes being scattered around without any real purpose-- specially the first one. I also dislike speeches/opinion pieces with introductions. You should have one, but it should be discreet. You should never say things like "now I will talk about such and such". You should start with a story. Or a shocking estadistic. Also, this introduction bothers me even more because, again, you promised us a piece about abortion, not one that is so sneakily anti-abortion.
I say sneakily because you go on like you're letting the reader decide for himself. But you don't. You talk about adopting, you talk about "teens and women couldn’t stand killing someone else for their own mistakes". And then you give us the Horton quote.
One last thing: "Also, teenagers who get pregnant are usually put into the “slut” category because of their bad choices. If they end up keeping the baby, the child won’t get into a good school later on, they’ll live in a bad neighbourhood and the child will overall not have as good as choices as a child born from a stable family." Those are more clichés and generalities rather than actual facts.
Keep writing! |
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Last edited by Icaruss on Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:20 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 5:41 am Post subject: |
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This reads more of a speech than an essay. And I'd like to say one thing: state your position at the beginning of the piece. I hate reading it and having no idea what side they're on.
Give us reasons for abortion, and then tell us why they're bad. Back this up with evidence, you had no evidence in this.
I liked the quote, especially the one in the mddle. You probably should have put it in italics, though.
Edit this, make it a bit more convincing and better-delievered, and then PM me fr a fuller critique. I have strong opinions on abrtion and when it should be used, so I'd like to see this worked on.
Good luck, and PM me if you want any help. |
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the morrow
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:05 am Post subject: |
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This essay overlooks one integral aspect to the Abortion debate; what constitutes life. You may wish to explore it more. You also need to get your contention out sooner, and state its relevancy to real life; you have to urge some action. The ethics of abortion are meaningless in actual life. Abortion may be wrong, but does that mean it should be prohibited by law?
The McGarvie quote is spontaneous. The quote is centrally political, and you do not speak of politics at all in this essay.
| Quote: |
| Abortions: what does it mean to you? |
What does "it" refer to? Also, this is a rather cliche method of opening an essay or speech.
Much of the paper is composed of general knowledge on the issue. Why people get abortions, and the like. Are you trying to explain abortion, or are you trying to criticize it? Is this expository or persuasive?
Also, I should point out that you say "I will explain why and why not to get an abortion," but continue only to say that getting an abortion is never the right choice.
Finally, the Seuss quote is cute, but perhaps detracts from your power of persuasion. |
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BenedictionofGrace
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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Well done! Anyone who'll fight for the babies being murdered every day because of selfishness, will be someone I would look up to. Well done!
Here is a true story of an abortion survivor, it is a must read! http://www.abortionfacts.com/survivors/giannajessen.asp
In Christ,
Grace
P.S. Babies can't fight for themselves, thats why we must. |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:50 am Post subject: |
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First, let me tell you that you have a very unique, open voice. You truly do have a talent for speechwriting.
Nevertheless, you had some problems with your speech. You provided us with an incredibly political and deceitful methods of convincing: "If you’re thinking of getting an abortion, just remember this:", "Abortions: what does it mean to you?" You tell a lie on the third sentence of your speech, and you haven't even begun to demonstrate the evidence! "In this text, I will explain why and why not to get an abortion." Do you ever explain "why" to get an abortion? No! In fact, you even suggest that you disagree with people who agree to having an abortion. So on your mission to remain unbiased, you fail completely.
You did not provide us with ANY sort of evidence to showcase your thesis (which is virtually nonexistent until your Dr. Seuss "conclusion.") Your Dr. Seuss quotation, which I have seen in numerous pro-life arguments, is taken entirely out of context. Dr. Seuss was talking about already-born individuals, not a disputably lifeless fetus inside a living, breathing, thinking woman's womb!
I have addressed many of your arguments here. Please consider them carefully.
Thank you. |
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BenedictionofGrace
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Gadi. wrote: |
| talking about already-born individuals, not a disputably lifeless fetus inside a living, breathing, thinking woman's womb! |
Wait just a minute. A baby is alive! The mother can feel the movement of the child in her, if that's a lifeless baby inside her then why is it moving? It has a heart that beats just like yours, and little hands and, arms and legs and because of selfishness, those little legs and feet will never run and those arms never hug...it can cry, hear its mother and father's voices, and everything. If you aren't a woman and have never been pregnant, don't tell me that a baby isn't alive even though unseen...that baby is alive and even though unloved by the mother, it is loved by its Heavenly Father.
Take a moment, to all those who are for abortion, what if that little child being aborted was you? You may not be here right now, your mother could have so easily aborted you just like other innocent babies are being aborted each day. Would you liked to have known that your mother didn't want you and wanted to kill you for doing nothing? Would you wanted have been aborted? It is very possible that it might have been you...think about it.
These babies have done nothing, but yet they are being murdered, millions of others out in the world have caused pain and done so much wrong, but they are living...
In Christ,
Grace |
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