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Kalliope
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 Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: Boxes |
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'Nother one I wrote for NaPoWriMo. Thoughts, comments, suggestions?
Boxes
Last night I slammed the door behind me.
Now it stands ajar. Glancing back
I see the boxes. Crammed with clothes,
old books and feelings.
Keep them, darling,
I don’t need them. |
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Last edited by Kalliope on Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:10 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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really great! Excellent final stanza.
one thing, really. It may have been done for a specific purpose, but i think you might need to change the 4th/5th lines and the way that they have been structured... what i mean is that the extra line inbetween is distracting - to be honest, i thought that you meant the door was glancing back! i know, i'm stupid! but the way that it's written suggests that.
So, instead of what's written, maybe have
Now it stands ajar.
Glancing back,
I see the boxes.
or...
Now it stands ajar.
Glancing back
i see the boxes.
I just think 'glancing back' needs to be separate from the first stanza.
That's the only critisism i have, as i think this poem is absolutely fantastic. It's not soppy or drawn out or even crammed with cliches. It's just it's own, independent piece that's really, really good! lol
best of luck. I'll look out for your other stuff.
from charlie. |
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jclifton
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:07 am Post subject: |
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this is a good poem, and i dont say that very often....
[i love good poems because they're so rare]
i agree completely with charliebo's critique... like he said, you might want to join "glancing back" with the next stanza... but when i think about it i kind of like it where it is, and personally it seems like it flows nicely either way.
its simple, effective, and lacks the morose or rambling or stream of consciousness or cliche or BAD quality of much poetry.... please keep it up |
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Leja
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
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Aloha, Kalliope! Yay NaPo poems!
Right now, it seems a little disjointed, given the linebreaks. here's a suggestion for rearranging:
| Quote: |
Last night I slammed the door behind me.
Now it stands ajar. Glancing back
I see the boxes. Crammed with clothes,
old books and feelings.
Keep them, darling,
I don't need them. |
I really like the last stanza! It takes the poem from just an observation of a scene around someone and makes it personal not necessarily to you, but to the perspective of the subject.
Quick things:
(1) Why does the door stand ajar if it was slammed? Did it bounce back? Or did someone or something open it?
(2) Do the boxes have to be crammed with feelings too? It's just that everything else in the poem is tangible, and adding feelings too makes it seem too touchy-feely for what's around it. I'd suggest picking another word; maybe a representation of feelings such as a journal or a photoalbum?
I like this poem!  |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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i liked this peice but i think that you should add a little more to it to describe the mood a little more and whats happening in your poem. if you did that i would really like it and i will look for more of your work
keep up the good work
---Jon--- |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:21 am Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for the tips and compliments, everyone!
Charliebo, jclifton - Actually the line break after glancing back had an intention, but I obviously didn't do a very good job at putting it across. I shall think about rearanging that part.
Leja - Thank you for rearranging it! I was experimenting with the line breaks a bit at that time and am still usually unsure about them, so thank you for helping me out with that!
I will definitely try to find a way to replace the feelings, so thank you for pointing that out as well 
Jon - Maybe replacing the 'feelings' will help? |
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