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ashleylee
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 Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:41 pm Post subject: |
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JabberHut
I don't think you are loosing your touch! Your review was as great as before! (ha "as" ha I promise to work on that!)
Thanks so much! 
Dommy65:
Wow all in one day! That's crazy!
But I'm glad you like it! |
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endless_secrets
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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I just read all seven chapters and thought they were all amazing! I woul;d point out mistakes and error but it seems someone has already done this for me.  All I can say is be careful near the beginning, it seems extrememly similar to Twilight as i saw some other people pointed out. Also, I think the chapters are too short, but hey, some people like short chapters so maybe that one is just me. Lastly just a comment regarding character, I didn't like that Carmen dared her to get a ride with him, only because he is so overprotective of her and this is my favorite thing about him. I might have had her get a ride with him anyways because Carmen wasn't showing up and then had them have a confrontation about it later on. But overall, it kept me reading and i definately want to keep reading which means i hope you keep writing
PM me when the next chapter is out |
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ashleylee
You belong with me
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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endless_secrets
Thanks so much!
Your comment made me so happy! I really enjoy it when people say they like my word (as i'm sure every writer does  )
Of course I will PM you when I post more...but it might not be for awhile because I'm fixing all of the corrections, especially the part about Caremen daring here. That was WAY out of character for him and I realize that now.
But thanks again and welcome to YWS! I hope you like the site! |
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omsvmars22
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:57 am Post subject: |
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I just read all seven chapters and I would just like to say that this story is simply...griping
It really is amazing and it was the highlight of my day to read it.
It looks like everyone already caught those pesky grammar errors so my job is done there...
I do have a few things that bothered me, most of them are things that other people have pointed out. 
Watch out for your beginning, I am getting Twilight memories. However, you don't stay on the Twilight path and that's good! I am sure that you will be careful to skirt that Twilight line *glares at line* 
The only other thing is that I am sure every other person has shoved in your face. I don't like how its Carmen who dares her into the car. In the beginning Carmen is protective of her and tells her to stay away from Isaac and now he is basically pushing them together? Unless this is all part of something to come in the future it is of my most respectful opinion that you do some rewrite and make it so she chooses to go in the car on her own in spite of what Carmen says. It is of my humble belief that Carmen would still feel a little jealous of the potential couple and would be doing all in his power to make sure the relationship failed.
Other then those two things your story was amazing *gets wide eyed* 
Your characters were relatable(something I imagine was hard since most of them so far are vampires)
Your comparisons and writing are great!
I can't wait to read the rest of it! I will be keeping an eye out for it so hurry please! |
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ashleylee
You belong with me
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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omsvmars22:
Wow....simply wow.
I still can't believe that you and endless_secrets read my whole SEVEN chapters in one day...You guys are AWESOME!
Thank you so much!
And I promise to PM you when I post the next chapter! |
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lucyy
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| Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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That chapter has left me totally breathless .. such raw emotions!! I seriously can't stop reading this ... I'm off to the next chapter. I've never read so much on here in one day ... oh well it more than satisfies my summer holiday boredom
Lucyy xx |
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ashleylee
You belong with me
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| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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lucyy:
haha, so true! I sometimes spend my whole DAY on here, just reading, cause I have nothing better to do
Thanks again, Luc, for reading! |
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Merry_Haven
Take a step into eternity
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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Ashley-
Wow. The detail for this chapter and any other chapter for this story is so unexplainable. I can't really find a word for it, besides amazing. The detail on the food and restaurant is so...oh, I can't even find the best/right word for it. Sorry.
Anyway, I can't really find something I didn't like. I liked the majority of it besides the waitress and Brittany.
I'm kind of glad Sophia didn't let her emotions and blood lust get the best of her. The car situation didn't seem like the right moment for it, but maybe later...
So, again, nothing much besides that I want to read more! You are a one of a kind writer, Ashley.
-Merry
~off to chapter 8...~ |
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ashleylee
You belong with me
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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Merry_Haven:
Ahh, thanks, Merry. You flatter me 
Thanks so much for reading! |
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-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
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ashleylee
You belong with me
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Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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| *edited* |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again!
Wow this was intense. Your descriptions, were, as always wonderful and this I think, was one of the chapters that makes this so much different than Twilight. The break-up scene was written perfectly and the way you wrote Sophia getting hungry by Isaac's scent was marvelous. I am loving this story more and more everyday. Off to the next chapter.
Thanks for the read,
~Angel |
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ashleylee
You belong with me
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: |
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Angel of Death:
Thanks! I'm so glad you like this!
This scene was really hard for me to right because I wanted it to be intense. I'm glad that it worked
Thanks again, Angel! |
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KJ
She moves in mysterious ways...
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170 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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CHAPTER SEVEN: I notice that you slip into the past tense sometimes. Gotta watched that.
Also, there should ALWAYS be a space after every period |
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