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Poetry Fight
Poetry Fight

by Kaylyn in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on June 22, 2008
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Boone

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XxxDo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:53 pm    Post subject: Boone Reply with quote

The joyful tune drifted through the car, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, not feeling the happiness the song was meant to set off. Leaning my head against the window I drfited into thoughts. It was that same song that had played on the radio at 2 o’clock last Sunday. We had just finished eating my sisters’ birthday cake, and the sweet chocolate-caramel scent lingered in the air around us, everyone content and chattering enthusiastically. Even for our family of two parents and five children it was an unusually noisy meal.

My younger eight-year old twin sisters were arguing over the color of Bridal Barbie’s hair, and my older brothers were holding a heated discussion with my dad about the new car he planned to buy. I had been speaking with my mom, praising the food. In an instant all of us were cut off from continuing the sentences we’d been yelling right through one another’s speeches, interrupted by the shrill and terrified yelping of an animal in distress.

I recognized the howling immediately, and left the table, dashing for the door. I had pleaded for hours on end during the weeks before my fifteenth birthday, now nearly seven months ago, and in the end it had paid off. My parents had finally allowed me to get a pet dog.

Running as fast as I could towards the end of our long driveway I kept my eyes fixed on the small bundle of soft brown fur that lay at bottom of the high metal gate. I couldn’t see what had happened to him, to my precious little Boone, and feared that the neighbors’ vicious bulldog had somehow found its way into our yard.

I glanced back over my shoulder, causing myself to nearly trip, and to my relief saw my dad sprint after me with large steps, catching up.

“Lou!” he was next to me now, still running as we drew closer and closer to the motionless puppy. “Louise, watch out, it might be the Samuels’ dog, you never know. Stay with me, that dog is one nasty piece of work.”

In reply I gave a short nod, expecting to see the bulldog jump out from behind one of the trees, going for the jugular. I edged closer to my dad as we slowed our pace. As I kneeled beside Boone my eyes prickled with upcoming tears. Resting my hand on the warm, soft head of the Labrador puppy I blinked repeatedly, forcing the blur out of my vision.

He was breathing, gradually, but appeared to be knocked out cold. I sniffed, stroking him, searching for any external injuries but failing to find them.

My dad was poking at something in the grass, and I frowned at him, my hand carefully placed on Boone’s abdomen. He caught my questioning glance, and stated “I think I know what happened. You can pick Boone up if you want, it isn’t the result of any fight. He’s been shocked.”

I widened my eyes “Shocked?”

Dad nodded, picking something up from between the strands of grass, laying it on the palm of his hand.

Lifting Boone into my arms, his floppy ears tickling the bare skin of my arm, I stared at the small object in my father’s hand.

“Electrocuted.” My dad clarified.

“I know what shocked means!” I answered with a snap, frustrated at the situation rather than him. I was relieved to find that he didn’t mind, understanding my irritation.

“Who would do that?”

“Disrespectful people.” My dad shook his head, turning the small metal device over in his hand. “I don’t know how these work exactly, but I’ve seen them before. They’re popular among teens.”

“I’m a teen,” I said, somewhat annoyed. “and I have never heard of them.”

“Okay.” He rose, eyeing the puppy in my arms. “If he doesn’t wake up in a few minutes we’ll notify the doctor, alright Lou?”

I nodded, feeling the soft tickle of the puppy’s fur on my skin, then brought him closer to my face and kissed his black pelt carefully, whispering. “It’s okay, Boone, you’ll be fine.”

I realized that my dad had started back to the house. He knew me well enough to assume that I wasn’t going to allow him to carry Boone, so he figured his job was done. After all, no crazed pitbull was roaming our garden, we’d determined that much.

Sounds of chatter came from behind the high fence surrounding my garden, and I turned on my heels, peeking out through the bars of the gate. A small group of teenagers was trotting down the street, wearing identical shirts and caps, and all looking rather… nerdy?

I wasn’t one to stereotype people in our day to day life, but these kids gave me a mean-nerd feeling. I wonder if they own any shocking pellets, I thought, deciding to blame them, as it was easiest. I squinted my eyes, reading their shirts.

McGeorges Private School Technology Team.

Ha, that figures. It would be too much of a coincidence if they were not to blame for the electrocution of my dog. The tallest one of the bunch dug into his pocket, his face shining with entertainment, then swiftly tossed a small object through the gate of the fence.

The bright shimmer disappeared out of my line of sight, and I heard a dog bark furiously. I exhaled in relief: It didn’t sound like the animal had been hurt. The group cracked up, shaking their heads and apparently mindlessly dreading the fact that they’d missed.

They stopped, forming a small circle, talking excitedly and laughing with knee-slapping force. One of them had ended up nearly facing me during the formation of their little group, and now raised his hand in greeting. I stared back with disbelief written all over my features. They’d hurt my dog minutes ago, and now they decided to say hi?

I spun around and rushed away from the gate, holding Boone tightly. There was no doubt to the fact that it was their fault that Boone wasn’t well. They had what looked like shockers, and my dog was ill because of it. Why on Earth would I greet them?

I’ll get back at them, I thought, watch me. I can take these technology nerds any day.

Days passed before I saw the group again. I had set down my foldable outdoor chair beside the fence. It was the summer holiday, and I’d come to the conclusion that I might as well sit here, rather than on the terrace. This way, as I sat comfortably in the warm sun, tanning, I could keep an eye on my neighbourhood and escape the noise that came with being part of a large family. Boone moved his paws as he rested beside me, sleeping on the green grass. I couldn’t help but wonder whether he was dreaming something nice.

The sun became increasingly hot on my cheeks, and I puffed, leaning forward. Pressing my cold hands against my face I decided it wasn’t a bad idea to head back to the house.

Through the gaps between my fingers I noticed the group, passing by my gate, a few meters away from me. I leapt to my feet, my sudden movement waking Boone, who yawned with a squeaking sound. I yanked open the gate, rushing onto the sidewalk to meet them. They noticed my presence, and stopped walking, turning around to eye me intently.

“Hi.” The teenager who had waved at me earlier said, puckering his brow. The cap stood slightly crooked on his head. “Who are you?”

“I'm Lou, I live here.” I replied, narrowing my eyes. They didn’t fit the stereotypical definition of nerds, but then again, stereotypes usually failed to work anyway. Waving-boy’s baggy jeans seemed out of place, not only because it was summer, but because when I compared them to the beige shorts the other guys were wearing it looked as though he wasn’t compelled to follow their dress code.

“Who are you?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips, trying to act more confident than I was. Boone finally decided to follow me, and licked my bare foot. I couldn’t suppress a snigger, and touched Boone’s flank with my hand, urging him towards the gate.

“I’m Stanley.” The boy took off his cap and ran his hand through his hair, then placed it back on his head. Again it was crooked. What an incapable twit.

“You threw something over the fence a couple of days ago, didn’t you?”

His lips curled into an amused grin. “I don’t need it back, if that’s what you’re going at.”

His gaze moved towards Boone, and I quickly ushered the dog into my garden, shutting the gate as I returned to the Technology Team.

“The shocking pellet hit my dog.” I said it evenly, though I was certain the expression on my face would tell them enough about my anger.

“It hit the dog?” The tall one feigned worry, probably thinking I hadn’t noticed the amusement in his eyes. “Is your pet okay?”

“Yes.” I glared at him, paying no attention to the other boys. “What were you trying to hit if you weren’t going for the dog, eh? The grass?”

“Something like that.” Stanley smirked. He reached into his pocket, pulling out sunglasses as he nodded at Boone, who was jumping up and down as he barked at the strangers. “Irritable little animal.”

“Shut it.” I growled. Unsure of how to continue I threw him my best angry glare, hoping they’d give me an excuse to hit him.

“I don’t know who you think you are, but I guess you’re one of the few who haven’t yet realized that I am a man you don’t tell to shut up.”

I grinned. “Man? You’re barely any more man than I am.”

His cheeks glowed a deep shade of red. “Shut up, bitch.”

“Got to you, didn’t I.” I taunted him, crossing my arms, watching him with a look of condemnation.

“If I were you I’d keep that dog of yours away from the fence during the next couple of days.”

“I hope you realize that I’ll kill you if you go anywhere near Boone again.” I rebounded, digging my fingernails into the palms of my hands as I clenched my fists.

“Awesome. Lets go guys.” He gestured, and they all turned away from me, beginning to walk off like they owned the place. Hell, they didn’t even belong here. Without a moments worth of consideration I took several large steps, revolved Stanly around by yanking at his arm, and punched him square in the face.

He appeared astounded, cupping his split lip with his hands, his eyes wide and, I suddenly noticed, a very deep blue worthy of drowning in.

Boone barked from the other side of the fence, seemingly troubled by my mindless action. I, on the other hand, was rather proud.

“Fuck you.” I stated, and then started towards the gate of my garden, surprised at the boy’s lack of reaction. As I shut the gate behind me, locking it, I glanced at them. They were still standing there, silent. With Boone jumping around my legs enthusiastically I made my way up to the house. I was almost at the front door when Stanley finally reacted, and shook my head at the worthless threat.

“I swear I’ll kill your dog!” I heard once more, and glanced down at Boone’s extended pink tongue as the puppy panted, running to keep up with me. I could be quite certain I’d never see Stanley again, unless he fancied getting punched in the face once more.

My mom’s voice pulled me from my thoughts quite slowly, and it took her three tries to really get through to me.

“Louise?” she was watching me over her shoulder, turning around uncomfortably in the front passenger seat. I blinked my eyes, feeling unusually drowsy. A side-effect of daydreaming, I suppose.

“Yea?”

“What were you thinking about?”

I shrugged. “Last week, when Boone was hurt.”

Her nod was filled with sympathy. My parents didn’t know that I’d faced the guys who were responsible, and were under the impression that I worried about it happening again. They hadn’t a clue how wrong they were.

“Lou, the twins are hungry, so we’re headed to MacDonald’s drive-though. You want something?”

I smiled at her, nodding, as my younger sisters nearly burst with enthusiasm. They were cheering, pointing at the large yellow M we were about to pass. Oliver, the eldest son, grinned, nudging Matthew. “Remember when Lou was small and used to call it MacDodle?”

I smirked at him, shoving him playfully. “Mom, what did Ollie call it when he was a kid?”

My mom’s grin broadened, her eyes shining with entertainment. “He called it MacNodalds.”

My family roared with laughter, tumultuous entertainment filling the minivan as we rounded the corner, unhurriedly entering the drive-though.

Oliver beamed at me. He wasn't one to take offence in comments. “Guess it runs in the family, right sis?”

We exchanged amused glances as we turned to the twins, who sat in the back of the minivan. Oblivious to our conversation they continued shouting in unison. "MacDondal! MacDondal!"


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice, very nice indeed!

Oh yeah! I'm glad she punched him! Too bad I don't think that'll solve anything... Sad

Any who, as I said before, Very well done. Love the topic and conflict. Love your protagonist, too!

One thing though: Description is good, but not when you bombard one with it. You gotta show me, but don't shove it down my throat! Care for some examples?

Quote:
The joyful tune drifted through the car, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, not feeling the happiness the song was meant to set off. Leaning my head against the window I drfited into thoughts. It was that same song that had played on the radio at 2 o’clock last Sunday.

Too Much! *twitches*

Quote:
My younger eight-year old twin sisters were arguing over the color of Bridal Barbie’s hair

Ouch! Why so much description? Less is more!

One more:
Quote:
Running as fast as I could towards the end of our long driveway I kept my eyes fixed on the small bundle of soft brown fur that lay at bottom of the high metal gate.

Yeah, no need for so much! Tone it down a bit.

So, there's my review. No need to take it too seriously, I'm no expert, but just opinion!
So... 7/10. Can't wait to read more from you, your stories are pretty entertaining!

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this. Finally something new and fresh. =)
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XxxDo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:20 am    Post subject: Heya Reply with quote

Thank you for your comments !!

I'm glad you liked the story Very Happy And yea, he definetly deserved to get punched Wink

I'll tone the description down a notch when I edit the story Very Happy

XxxDo

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:11 pm    Post subject: Thumbs up!! Reply with quote

Quote:
My younger eight-year old twin sisters were arguing over the color of Bridal Barbie’s hair, and my older brothers were holding a heated discussion with my dad about the new car he planned to buy. I had been speaking with my mom, praising the food. In an instant all of us were cut off from continuing the sentences we’d been yelling right through one another’s speeches, interrupted by the shrill and terrified yelping of an animal in distress.


I really liked the description here, because it was vivid enough that I could actually see this taking place. It's funny how everyone has to yell to be heard - typical family conversation... Wink

Quote:
I wasn’t one to stereotype people in our day to day life, but these kids gave me a mean-nerd feeling.


Mean nerds...haha, those are probably the most dangerous nerds you can find.

Quote:
Without a moments worth of consideration I took several large steps, revolved Stanly around by yanking at his arm, and punched him square in the face.


Yay, Louise! I think that jerk had it coming.

Quote:
“Fuck you.” I stated, and then started towards the gate of my garden, surprised at the boy’s lack of reaction.


I'm not sure about the whole 'stating' that curse. Maybe instead of saying she 'stated' it to them, she could've 'spat' it at them - after all, she is pretty angry. Just a thought...

I LOVED the thing right at the end with McDonalds. Cute! I think I used to call it "Donnos", myself. Embarassed

One last thing: as the others have said, yes, you do tend to use description a bit much. Try going through it and getting rid of some of the adjectives, for example -

Quote:
... the small bundle of soft brown fur that lay at bottom of the high metal gate.


Instead of using all of those words to describe Boone, you could say "the bundle of brown fur" or even "the bundle of fur".

This was a GREAT story, and unique too -I've never read anything like it! Keep up your writing!! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was a nice and wonderful story. And I agree with it being fresh. Shocked Your descriptions are nice and I don't mind them being the way they are. But well, that's just me.

Also, at the last part wherein she cussed, it would've been better if she didn't "state" it. I mean, it somehow feels like she said something factual without being too much attached to it. It would be better if you replaced it with, "spat", or "shouted" or something else.

Good job and a gold star for this one! Wink

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 7:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you a lot for your comments Very Happy I'm going to edit it when I have the time, which will be after I mow my backyard.... stupid chores XD
Anyway, I appreciate the advice!

XxxDo

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