Avens Dolor
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
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Country: USA
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 Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:29 am Post subject: Re: A Father's Legacy |
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Comments in red.
| ButterFlyInk wrote: |
'Too much patience, I can’t take it any more I have to do this I have make my move. Big run-on, there. Either break it into smaller pieces, or add semicolons or other appropriate punctuation But... what if things don’t go the way I plan? I have a feeling that something is going to go wrong. Can I trust Brad? He tends to screw things up. I've got to stop pacing my floor or I'll end up wearing it out.' For a paragraph that starts out "Too much patience", I'm not seeing a whole lot of it. Also, you're pushing an awful lot of unanswered questions into the reader's head. That can be a good thing for an opener, but as this feels so rushed, it just leaves me feeling confused.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door, Comma should be a period and "suddenly" feels inappropriate, especially since it is so early in the story and we have no previous knowledge of anything that has happened. As far as the reader is concerned, this is all sudden.
'Damn it I can never get a moment to think around here' You have no end punctuation here...
As I strode over to the door I yelled “Who is it?"
The person behind the door said" It's Brad, Dude just open the door will ya!" Your quotes are in the wrong place, spacing wise. The comma should be a period, and there should be a comma following "open the door".
I open the door and step aside as Brad passes me by. You're switching your tenses! "As I strode" and "I open" do not work together.
“Damn it comma Brad I told you to call before you came by!, No comma Well did you do it?" I asked with anticipation. Show instead of tell; how does she act when she's anticipating something? Also, put a break between her chastisement and her question, so it doesn't feel so smashed together.
Brad rolled his eyes Period “YES Comma of course I did. What do you take me for? Wait, never you mind answering that question! I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone under the age of seventy actually says 'never-you-mind'."
I let out a sigh that I was dying to let out of my system for awhile. AKA "I sighed, relieved." Short and sweet are good, I promise. “Are you sure that I can count on you?" I questioned Just say "asked". as nervous-ness "nervousness" sounds awkward; choose a new word or change the line. crept up my body. “Man do you ever stop worrying? Yes you can count on me!" Brad stated bluntly. AKA Brad said.
Sighing again Comma I speak a lot more calmly Another tense switch. "Yes I'll stop worrying eventually. Ok Comma I'm putting all the responsibility into your hands if anything goes wrong. You know that Commaright?!” Brad is the one that sighs this time as well as rolling his eyes" Yes I know I'm not an idiot. Everything will be just fine. I'm sure of it." Brad stated this confidently. Brad said. Also, your quotation marks are misplaced again.
I changed the subject, Period. “Did you set up the cameras like I told you to?"
“For crying out loud Comma YES! I have told you many time times since I've got here I did everything accordingly to plan. This sentence is very awkward.The reason I came here was to just chill, after a hard day of setting up” Brad stated coolly. Brad said.
After everything Brad said it finally soothed me. "It"? "It" what? I let my body relax, plopping down on the couch. When I woke up Comma. Brad was nowhere to be seen. The lights were off; the only thing illuminating the room was the street light out front.
'I need to get out of here for awhile' I stated the obvious to myself.'I thought.
******
The night was silent; there was a slight breeze with the scent of rain on its way. The temperature "had dropped", I think? I'm not sure what you mean dropped unbelievably fast over the course of two hours. It was chilly outside as I walked quickly to my run-down apartment. The slight breeze Note: you are not allowed to use the same phrase ("slight breeze", in this case) twice within the same chapter. started to pick up more and more each second. I looked up at the sky semicolon the clouds were rolling in. What was that? Figure out how you plan to denote thoughts and stick to it. It sounded like thunder but it was too close to me, Period. I looked around and saw someone approaching me fast and it looked to me like there was a gun in his hand.
'OH CRAP! How old is this girl? Brad must have done something wrong, semi-colon no wonder he left in a hurry after I fell asleep. DAMN HIM! He always, always screws me and everyone around him over! Awkwardly phrased If and when I get my hands on him Comma I'm going to kill him myself'
Kicking myself in the butt It's just called "kicking yourself". won't help me at this point. Tense switch. I have to get into my apartment fast semicolon no time to ponder Brad's motives right now. As I fumbled for my keys, another shot was fired; I heard it buzz by my ear. Tense change. It was really close, it was so close that I could feel the heat radiate off of it.
'Fuck, when I need to get into my apartment I lose my keys. I'll have to run.' Uh... okay. Not the first thing I would think of. She's really collected, isn't she?
Weird indentation I thought quickly to myself as I started to run. I wasn't running for too long when it started to rain,colon it felt refreshing after running to the nearest public place I could think of. ...What? The Osborne Cyber Cafe. I'll be safe here for a while, hell while I'm at it I'll email Brad and see what is going on. ...What? I went up to the clerk at the front of the store and asked for a password to a computer. He said " Its costs $2 an hour, how long do you think you'll need a computer sir? Woah. Totally thought it was a teen-aged girl this whole time." I stood there for a moment and thought Period
‘An hour should do it and if need be I'll ask for another hour.'
I had made my decision I said “I’ll take just an hour for now, thank you." Unnecessary to do the whole thought business. “Ok sir Comma that will be $2.50 please" The clerk said as he printed out a slip of paper. I reached into my coat pocket an pulled out a five dollar bill an handed it to him." $2.50 is your change and here is your password an I.D." He stated politely. So. Slow. I really don't care how he pays for the bill. I really don't care how the clerk hands him the money or puts change in the till or whatnot. Just say "I paid". For the first time in the few minutes that I had been standing here I took a good look at the clerk, He couldn't be any older than twenty comma maybe 19 nineteen at the most. He had dark brown eyes deep eyes What? that looked like they saw right through you but compassionately not harsh reality type. His hair was freshly cut probably a requirement of the job or he just liked to look nice. His clothes looked like they were ironed every day. I could smell the cologne on him, it seemed to suit him. I think he'll grow up to become a fine man Is the clerk important? Please say yes, because otherwise this whole description was not necessary.. I said my thank-yous and headed to an un-occupied computer.
I signed on according to the slip of paper, Period. I opened the internet and went on hotmail.com I signed in there an started my email to Brad:
It's Ray talking! Brad what happened. You left my apartment in a hurry, a big hurry at that. What did you do this time? Earlier this evening when I was about to go into my apartment building after my nightly walk I almost got shot. Now what the hell is up with that? I know you have something to do with it!
I want to know why? And I don't want lies from you. You give me too many lies and when you do tell the truth I feel that you tell me bullshit anyways. I want a reply from you A.S.A.P.
Do you understand me? NO FUCKEN BULLSHIT THIS TIME OR ELSE! I don't care how you contact me by phone or by mail or even email. Just contact me.
Your angry friend, Ray Samuals
I might say that I can't critique a character's email for grammar, but I certainly can for character. And this, I'm sorry to say, makes no sense. If you had just been shot at, would you go calmly to an internet cafe and write out a fairly long letter signed "your angry friend"? Heck no! You would go to the police or to a very public place and call the person with your cell phone.
I sent the email with furry I could say something sarcastic here, but I won't. You meant "fury", not "furry". I hope. building in my veins. I knew Brad would pull this on me. I really should have picked someone else for the job. But hey for all I knew the gun thing was just a mistake Period. I've been known to be mistaken for someone else. ...What?I hate having my father's looks,Period. I've been taken as him many times, as soon as I hit the final stages of puberty that was the end of being known as Ray Samuals, from then on I was known as Kyle Samuals. What? Unfortunately my Father ended up going to jail when I was sixteen. He was sentenced to 25 to life, for something he didn't commit. But I think everyone says that their family is innocent. Not everyone is so lucky. My father wasn't the man everyone believed him to be. He wasn't the harsh criminal; He was my great-hearted father who I could always count on to be there when I needed him the most. Someone from my junior class of high school said that he had murdered his father. I couldn't believe that the police force had believed him. My father wouldn't hurt a fly and its true. When ever we had any bugs in the house he use to tell me to leave them alone an let them be. He said if you harm them they will harm you. That was the man I knew not this crazy criminal some teenage boy said. My father was the greatest parent on the earth; my mother had died not long after my birth. Random. She told my father that she loved me and him dearly and her last words to him were “I’m sorry for leaving on such a note, But just remember that I'll be looking down from the heavens above." I doubt it. No one really talks like that. She kissed my father good-bye and rested her body in her bed as she laid there and passed away. Nobody knows why she died, not even the doctors. Hm. Interesting. But that had better come up later on, or readers will be disappointed.
“Excuse me, but your time is up on the computer and I have just paid for my turn." He spent an hour on one email? Someone was tapping me on the shoulder by the voice of the person it was a woman.Or "A woman tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around in my chair just "I turned to face her". to face her, it was impolite not to. “I’m sorry, I guess I was wondering Wandering. With an "A".off into memories of my own and I guess I forgot where I was. I'm sorry miss; I'll get off in just a minute if that’s fine by you." Said as politely as I could under the circumstances of my partner’s mistake today. "Sure whatever you wish as long as it’s within two minutes." She said after she let out a sigh full of boredom. Eh... Not feeling it. "Already done, like I said it would only be a minute." I replied. She didn't seem to be too enthused about my polite-ness. Nobody does." Yeah whatever!" She said in return. Her voice was blunt as she said whatever. Someone must have pissed her off.
I stood up and stretched. The woman hurried to her seat,
'Is it just me or is this place rude?' I'm so confused... Was any of that conversation actually necessary?
I thought to myself as I headed out the door of the cafe. Without looking outside before i Capitalization! set foot out the door I didn't realize that the guy that was chasing was standing outside of the cafe. Well no kidding. Was he waiting for me or was it a crazy coincidence, yet again I wasn't a fool an stay and wait to find out I started to run but the guy knew right away I was going to make a head for it, He stopped me when I was half way to my new destination, nowhere. Okay, I want you to try and find the start of that sentence and then read the whole thing aloud. In one breath. It needs to be rewritten. “I know who you are but I'm afraid you don't know me, you have become an unlucky man tonight, and you deserve to be behind bars just like your father!" The hooded man spat those foul words in my face. “What do you know about my father and what did him or I "either of us" do to you?" I questioned angrily. I asked. "I know enough to make you want to crawl out of your skin. You or your father didn't do anything to me it's someone dear to Me.!"Caps and punctuation He answered oddly. He said. I took a good look at the man, Period or colon. He had one piercing yellow cat’s eye the other was scratched out of the socket, and nothing left there but a horrible scar. I noticed that he smelt sour, like sour milk, beercomma and body odor all mixed into one. It smelt discussing I wished I could get away from the guy but he wasn't making any sense in what he was telling me.
‘What did my father or I do to someone else. We very seldom left our group of family and friends.'
I pondered for a bit. “Tell me, who is this person you speak of? Do I know them?" I ask trying to find some answers.
“Oh... Yes you should know her very well; she used to be part of your life once. But I can not speak her name; you see it has been made a promise not to tell you. All I can say is that she has missed you and your father dearly over the years." The man spoke as though he knew my father and I very well, as well as this mystery person he speaks of. Wrapped up in confusion I didn't realize that the man had walked off into the cold night. I looked around me there was no sign of the man anywhere. Sighing I stuck my cold hands in my pants pocket and walked home, I noticed that my keys had been in my pants pocket this whole time, that made me mad but I guess I wouldn't have talked to that crazy mad man if I had found them. I walked up to my apartment building, parts of the building were falling off, and pieces of brick lay scattered over the ground.
'I need to find a better place.'
I thought to myself as I walked up the steps and unlocked the front door to the building. I walked through halls and up the creaky stairs, I've always had a paranoid feeling about those stairs, the caretaker didn't give a shit about the building. The hallways smelt old and years of mold, smoke, and kitty-litter. If you were a new tenant you would get sick from the smell once you get used to it you'll be fine. I walked up three flights of stairs, finally reaching my apartment, number 35. I unlocked my door and walked into the smell of smoke, the bad habit I've had since I was a teen, the age of sixteen to be precise, after my father was sentenced I picked up the habit. I flopped down on the couch and turned on my laptop. I checked to see if Brad had emailed me, no such luck.
Growling under my breath I got up and poured myself a glass of Pepsi, and reached over the island counter and grabbed my king size pack dumaurier cigarettes and bic lighter. Lighting a cigarette I pondered this evening events 'what a night, what did that man mean tonight I have become unlucky, was he threatening me? Who was this mystery person he's talking about? I wish Brad would contact me, I have a feeling he has something to do with that crazy old fart that approached me.'
My thoughts were interrupted by my cell phone ring to eminem shake it ring tone. I flipped it open, “Hello, Ray speaking"
“Hey man, it's Brad, I got your email, the reason I left in a hurry was because I got a call about the camera’s something went wrong and I had to go and fix it quickly, what the hell! You're always jumping to conclusions that if something goes wrong it's my fault. I don't have anything to do with the shooting!"
I let Brad make excuses, He changed the subject." Did you get a good look at the guy?" Brad asked." Yeah, he followed me from my apartment building to the local Cyber Cafe, where I emailed you from. After I was done in the cafe I walked out the door and he was standing across the street waiting for me, I tried to run for it but he know that’s what I would do, he stopped me, and talked to me, He was about my father's age, forty-eight, about six foot two, maybe six foot five at the maximum, He had only one yellowish cats' eye and the other was scratched out. He had a beer-belly on him, He smelt awful, like sour milk, beer, and body odor. “I told Brad the information he wanted.
"I've seen him lurking around your apartment build for awhile now, I didn't know what he wanted, I thought he was a bum off the street looking for a place to stay, I told him to go away before the cops came around the block for their nightly search, He left of course but I think he got into the building a little bit afterward, as you let me into your apartment I saw him out of the corner of my eye." Of course Brad tells me this when its no longer important." I'll be over in 10 minutes; we'll finish the conversation when I get there." Brad said and hung up before Ray could say anything different.
P.s. Sorry its soo long  |
Okay, I'm sorry but I kind of gave up where my comments ended. I read through the rest, but it's all pretty much in the same vein.
First off--
Said.
Said is a very beautiful word. I give it to you in a pretty gift box with a red tinsel bow. Use it wisely. As in use it a lot. Instead of all of the other speech descriptors.
You see, the word "said" is very easy on the eye and works so well in writing; as soon as you become accustomed to it, you'll cringe when encountering anything else.
Also--
Tense.
You need to pick one and then stick to it. The piece boomeranged over the place.
And of course--
Characterization.
You should probably go back over your characters and work on sinking some more life into them. The MC is so unbelievably calm the whole time. It's as if he's bored.
Went to the market. Picked up some eggs. The weather was nice. House burned down. Some one shot at me. Made dinner...
He doesn't freak out; his fear is nonexistent, and thus when he's yelling at Brad (in an email of all things) I just don't feel it.
If he's non-human, then that should be clarified at the beginning of the story, but, as it stands, I had no connection at all with Ray. I wanted one. I wanted to believe what was happening. I wanted to care. I just couldn't.
Other than that, I have this sneaking suspicion that you didn't proof it, as there were a number of mistakes in capitalization, punctuation, and spelling. Please see the forum rules on that.
Now obviously the concept and writing belong to you, and you have the final say, but let me know if you take any of my advice and I'll try giving it a second read.
Avens. |
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Jamie_rocks
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 225
Reviews: 30
Country: America
478 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: Re: A Father's Legacy |
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| ButterFlyInk wrote: |
Hey everyone, please let me know what you think and if there's any grammar errors  oh and if you think of better male names for the MC's please let me know...thank you...I hope you enjoy:
'Too much patience. I can’t take it any more, I have to do this, I have make my move. But... No "..." here. it is unnecessary and breaks up the flow. what if things don’t go the way I plan? I have a feeling that something is going to go wrong. Can I trust Brad? He tends to screw things up. I've got to stop pacing my floor or I'll end up wearing it out.'
Suddenly there was a knock on the door,
"Damn it I can never get a moment to think around here"
As I strode over to the door I yelled “Who is it?"
The person behind the door said" It's Brad, Okay, either lower the "D" or add a period after "Brad" Dude just open the door will ya!"
I opened the door and stepstood aside as Brad passespassed me by.
“Damn it Brad I told you to call before you came by!, Well did you do it?" I asked with anticipation. The wording seems a little awkward. Maybe try, "I asked, nervously anticipating the answer."
Brad rolled his eyes “YES of course I did. What do you take me for? Wait, never you mind answering that question!" Okay, how old are these people? At first I got the impression of a teen, but I don't know very many who say "never you mind." Maybe find a way to specify on that. Also, whenever a new person speaks, start a new paragraph.
I let out a sigh that I was dying to let out of my system for awhile. “Are you sure I can count on you?" I questioned as nervous-ness crept up my body.Okay, I don't think you should use made up words, even if it is in first-person. Try rewording this. Maybe to " I questioned nervously" or something of the sort. “Man do you ever stop worrying? Yes you can count on me!" Brad stated bluntly. Once again, a new paragraph when someone new speaks. It prevents confusion as to who's talking.
Sighing again I speak a lot more calmlytry to calm my voice. "Yes I'll stop worrying eventually. Okay, I'm putting all the responsibility into your hands if anything goes wrong. You know that right?!” Brad is the one that sighs this time as well as rolling his eyes Okay, odd wording. maybe try "rolling his eyes in heavily exaggerated exasperation." Or something along those lines. "Yes I know; I'm not an idiot. Everything will be just fine. I'm sure of it." Brad stated this confidently.Show, don't tell. Don't tell us his voice is confident, show us he's convinced when his eyes are "shining with the strength of his conviction." You get what I mean?
I changed the subject, “Did you set up the cameras like I told you to?"
“For crying out loud YES! I have told you many time since I've got here I did everything accordingly to plan.Okay, this sentence isn't really good. He's irritated and mad; he's not gonna stand there talking with perfect grammar. When your characters are talking, unless it's their personality, forget grammar. He's yelling at the MC. "I TOLD YOU I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT! WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK?!" You get what I mean? Give him emotion. The reason I came here was to just chill, after a hard day of setting up” Brad stated coolly. I don't think he should be cool; he's irritated. He states it annoyed or aggravated, not coolly.
After everything Brad said it finally soothed me. I let my body relax, plopping down on the couch. Wait, when did you fall asleep? Tell us you drifted off or something. Not you sat down and when you woke up he was gone. When I woke up Brad was nowhere to be seen. The lights were off; the only thing illuminating the room was the street light out front.
"I need to get out of here for awhile" I stated the obvious to myself.'[s/] Awkward wording. Maybe "I muttered to myself." We can tell it's obvious, you don't need to tell us.
******
The night was silent; [s]there was a slight breeze with the scent of rain on its way.The breeze carried the scent of rain. The temperature dropped unbelievably fast over the course ofhad plummeted in the last two hours. It was chilly The temperature just went way down. It should be more than chilly. outside as I walked quickly to my run-down apartment. The slight breeze started to pick up more and more each second. I looked up at the sky in time to see that the clouds were rolling in. What was that? It sounded like thunder, but it was too close to me,the ground. I looked around. and saw someone approaching me fast and it looked to me like there was a gun in his hand. [Run-on sentence. Shorten it. Also, it's dark, windy, with rolling cloud cover. Your MC shouldn't tell straight away that the figure has a gun. Maybe at first you figure he's hurrying home to escape the rain, then when he gets close you notice the gun.[/color]
'OH CRAP! "Crap seems a little childish here. I hate to tell you that you should cuss, but it would make that part more emotional. Brad must have done something wrong, no wonder he left in a hurry after I fell asleep. DAMN HIM! He always, always screws me and everyone around him over! If an when I get my hands on him I'm going to kill him myself' You're talking in first person. Those little ' things aren't needed.
Kicking myself in the butt won't help me at this point. I have to get into my apartment fast no time to ponder Brad's motives right now.I'll deal with Brad later. As I fumbled for my keys, another shot was fired; There was no first shot, this can't be "another" I heard it buzz by my ear. It was really close, it was so close that; I could feel the heat radiate off of it.
'Fuck, when I need to get into my apartment I lose my keys. I'll have to run.'
I thought quickly to myselfWe assume you're thinking to yourself at this point. as I started to run. I wasn't running for to long when it started to ran, it felt refreshing after running to the nearest public place I could think of. Run-on. Maybe try "Before long, the rain started to come down, cool and refreshing. I had run to the nearest public place I could think of; The Osborne Cyber Cafe. I'll be safe here for a while, hell while I'm at it I'll email Brad and see what is going on. You're tense just switched. First it was past tense now it's present. Make up your mind, you can't have both. I went up to the clerk at the front of the store and asked for a password to a computer. He said " Its costs $2 an hour, how long do you think you'll need a computer sir?" I stood there for a moment an thought Hmmmm, he's remarkably calm for someone who just got shot at. I think he should be calling the police, not emailing some guy who might not have had anything to do with it.
‘An hour should do it and if need be I'll ask for another hour.'
I had made my decision I said “I’ll take just an hour for now, thank you."You just asked for an hour. You don't need to do it again. “Okay sir that will be $2.50 please" A new person is talking, start a new paragraph. And I thought it was only two dollars an hour? Spell out your numbers. Should be Two-Fifty, or two dollars and fifty and fifty cents, however your clerk said it. The clerk said as he printed out a slip of paper. I reached into my coat pocket an pulled out a five dollar bill an handed it to him.At this point we would assume you handed it to him. "$2.50 is your change and here is your password and I.D." He stated politely.sounded polite enough. He's not wondering why you ran in there looking like the Hounds of Hades were after you? If you were getting chased by a guy with a gun, yo would burst in there looking pretty crazy. You're too calm. For the first time in the few minutes I had been standing here I took a good look at the clerk. He couldn't be any older than twenty, maybe 19 at the most. He had dark brown eyes deep eyes that looked like they saw right through you but compassionately not harsh reality type. His hair was freshly cut probably a requirement of the job or he just liked to look nice. His clothes looked like they were ironed every day.You're telling not showing. Show us his eyes looked right through you, but kindly. Show us his hair was nice because he ran his hand back through it or something. Show us his clothes were stiff and unwrinkled. Nobody wants to read a paragraph listing what you're character looks like. I could smell the cologne on him, it seemed to suit him. I think he'll grow up to become a fine man.This sentence is totally unnecessary. I said my thank-yous and headed to an un-occupied computer.We assume it's unoccupied, given that he's going there. You don't need to tell us specifically.
I signed on according to the slip of paper, I and opened the internet and went onto Hotmail.com I signed in there an startedAfter signing in, I sent my email to Brad:
It's Ray talking! Wouldn't he know it's Ray from the email address?[/s] Brad[color=red]Likewise, we don't need Brad's name either. He knows his name and he knows the email is to him what happened. You left my apartment in a hurry, a big hurry at that. What did you do this time? Earlier this evening when I was about to go into my apartment building after my nightly walk I almost got shot. Now what the hell is up with that? I know you have something to do with it!
I want to know why? And I don't want lies from you. You give me too many lies and when you do tell the truth I feel that you tell me bullshit anyways. I want a reply from you A.S.A.P. If Brad is such a bullshit spewing lier, why did your MC trust him with whatever this huge job is?
Do you understand me? NO FUCKEN BULLSHIT THIS TIME OR ELSE! I don't care how you contact me, by phone, or by mail or even email. Just contact me.
Your angry friend, Ray Samuals He's pissed, I don't think he would sign off as a friend.
I sent the email with furry building in my veins. Okay, you've told us many times that he's angry, but other than the choice word sin the email we have no proof. Also, he just got shot at, and what almost killed. He trusted Brad with a big job. He should be getting a whole rainbow of emotions: anger, fear, betrayal. And we should be able to see that he's feeling these. I knew Brad would pull this on me. I really should have picked someone else for the job. But hey for all I knew the gun thing was just a mistake I've been known to be mistaken for someone else. You were just boiling with rage. You're thinking to rationally. You think Brad betrayed you, you're angry, hurt, and scared. You should be wanting to go out there and kill Brad, nit sitting here rationally sipping tea and thinking you look like your father. I hate having my father's looks, I've been taken as him many times, as soon as I hit the final stages of puberty that was the end of being know as Ray Samuals, from then on I was known as Kyle Samuals. Unfortunately my Father ended going to jail when I was sixteen. He was sentenced to 25 to life, for something he didn't commit. But I think everyone says that their family is innocent. Not everyone is so lucky. My father wasn't the man everyone believed him to be. He wasn't the harsh criminal; He was my great-hearted father who I could always count on to be there when I needed him the most. Someone from my junior class of in high school said that he had murdered his father. I couldn't believe that the police force had believed him. My father wouldn't hurt a fly and its true. When ever we had any bugs in the house he use to tell me to leave them alone an let them be. He said if you harm them they will harm you. That was the man I knew, not this crazy criminal some teenage boy saidcreated. My father was the greatest parent on the earth; my mother had died not long after my birth. She told my father that she loved me and him dearly and her last words to him were “I’m sorry for leaving on such a note, But just remember that I'll be looking down from the heavens above." She kissed my father good-bye and rested her body in her bed as she laid there an passed away. Nobody knows why she died, not even the doctors. Okay, really touching story about daddy going to jail, but is it necessary in the story? If you're just stating you look like your dad, shorten it to "people often confuse me for my jailed father." or something. I think you only need this whole section if you're father shows up in the story later on.
“Excuse me, but your time is up on the computer and I have just paid for my turn." Someone was tapping me on the shoulder by the voice of the person it was a woman. Show us don't tell us. "Someone witha high foice and delicate fingers was tapping me on the shoulder." We'll get that it's a woman.
I turned around in my chair to face her, it was impolite not to. “I’m sorry, I guess I was wondering off into memories of my own and I guess I forgot where I was. Once again, where's the emotion? He just got screwed over. He should pissed, steaming. This woman comes over he's gonna be mad, and a normal person would start going off on her, not politely asking for her permission to sit there another minute. I'm sorry miss; I'll get off in just a minute if that’s fine by you." Said as politely as I could under the circumstances of my partner’s mistake today. "Sure whatever you wish as long as it’s within two minutes." She said after she let out a sigh full of boredom. "Already done, like I said it would only be a minute." I replied. She didn't seem to be too enthused about my polite-ness. Nobody does." Yeah whatever!" She said in return. Her voice was blunt as she said whatever. Someone must have pissed her off.
I stood up and stretched. The woman hurried to her seat,
'Is it just me or is this place rude?' You're dialog between the two is choppy, Start a new line every time a different one of them speaks, and don't explain how they're saying it. Example:
"I'm sorry miss, I'll get odd in just a minute."
"Sure whatever you wish as long as it's within two minutes." She sighed, impatient and bored.
"Okay, I;m already done. I told you it would only be a minute." Somehow nobody ever seems to appreciate polite-ness anymore.
"Yeah, whatever." I could tell she was steamed.
I stood and stretched...
I thought to myself as I headed out the door of the cafe. Without looking outside before i set foot out the door I didn't realize that the guy that was chasing was standing outside of the cafe. Was he waiting for me or was it a crazy coincidence, yet again I wasn't a fool an stay and wait to find out I started to run but the guy knew right away I was going to make a head for it,Okay, run-on and choppy. Try to reword it. maybe, "Had I looked around before stepping outside, I would have seen the shooter lounging around nearby. Had he been waiting for me or was it just a coincidence? I didn't plan on waiting around to find out. I started to run. He headed me off." Now, i guess it must have been really important for him to hang around. For all he knows, your MC called the police, which he should have done in the first place. This guy must be desperate to catch you. He stopped me when I was half way to my new destination, nowhere. “I know who you are but I'm afraid you don't know me. You have become an unlucky man tonight; and you deserve to be behind bars just like your father!" The hooded man spat those foul We know the words are foul, we heard them. the words in my face. “What do you know about my father and what did him or I do to you?" I questioned angrily. "I know enough to make you want to crawl out of your skin. You or your father didn't do anything to me; it's someone dear to Me.!" Lowercase "m" Only the exclamation point, no period. He answered oddly. I took a good look at the man, He had one piercing yellow cat’s eye the other was scratched out of the socket, and nothing left there but a horrible scar. I noticed that he smelt sour, like sourspoiled milk, beer and body odor all mixed into one. It smelt discussingWe can tell it's disgusting without you directly stated. I wished I could get away from the guy but he wasn't making any sense in what he was telling me.curiosity overcame me This section is confusing. You need to start a new paragraph when a new person speaks, as it is, it's hard to tell who's saying what.
‘What did my father or I do to someone else. We very seldom left our group of family and friends.'
I pondered for a bit. “Tell me, who is this person you speak of? Do I know them?" I ask trying to find some answers. We can tell you'r etrying to find answers, that's why you asked.
“Oh... Yes you should know her very well; she used to be part of your life once. But I can not speak her name; you see it has been made a promise not to tell you. All I can say is that she has missed you and your father dearly over the years." The man spoke as though he knew my father and I very well, as well as this mystery person he speaks of. Wrapped up in confusion I didn't realize that the man had walked off into the cold night. I looked around, me there was no sign of the man anywhere. Sighing I stuck my cold hands in my pants pocket and walked home. I noticed that my keys had been in my pants pocket this whole time, that made me mad, but I guess I wouldn't have talked to that crazy mad man if I had found them. {color=red]Why are you saying that like it's a good thing? Talking to the man left you confused and angry. You should have preferred to never have met him.[/color] I walked up to my apartment building, parts of the building walls were falling off, and pieces of brick lay scattered over the ground.
'I need to find a better place.' Again, those little ' things aren't needed.
I thought to myself [you don't need to tell us you're thinking to yourself that's what most people tent to do.[/color] as I walked up the steps and unlocked the front door to the building. I walked through halls and up the creaky stairs, I've always had a paranoid feeling about those stairs, the caretaker didn't give a shit about the building. The hallways smelt old and years with the years build-up of mold, smoke, and kitty-litter. If you were a new tenant you would get sick from the smell once you get used to it you'll be fine. This sentence isn't necessary. I walked up three flights of stairs, finally reaching my apartment, number 35. I unlocked my Change "my" to "the" I think door and walked into the smell of smoke, the bad habit I've had since I was a teen, the age of sixteen to be precise, after my father was sentenced I picked up the habit. I flopped down on the couch and turned on my laptop. I checked to see if Brad had emailed me, no such luck.
Growling under my breath I got up and poured myself a glass of Pepsi, and reached over the island counter and grabbed my king size pack dumaurier cigarettes and bic lighter. Lighting a cigarette I pondered this evening events 'what a night, what did that man mean tonight I have become unlucky, was he threatening me? Who was this mystery person he's talking about? I wish Brad would contact me, I have a feeling he has something to do with that crazy old fart that approached me.' He should be more scared than this. Some guy shot at him with a gun, then threatened him verbally. He should call the police, or stress that he locked the door, something to show that he was nervous.
My thoughts were interrupted by my cell phone ring to eEinem shake it ring tone. I flipped it open, “Hello, Ray speaking"
“Hey man, it's Brad, I got your email, the reason I left in a hurry was because I got a call about the camera’s; something went wrong and I had to go and fix it quickly. What the hell! You're always jumping to conclusions that if something goes wrong it's my fault. I don't have anything to do with the shooting!"
I let Brad make excuses, eventually he changed the subject." Did you get a good look at the guy?" Brad asked. "Yeah, he followed me from my apartment building to the local Cyber Cafe, where I emailed you from. After I was done in the cafe I walked out the door and he was standing across the street waiting for me, I tried to run for it but he know that’s what I would do, he stopped me, and talked to me, He was about my father's age, forty-eight, about six foot two, maybe six foot Take out the "foot" just to make the talk sound more natural five at the maximum, He had only one a Again, to naturalize the talk. yellowish cats' eye and the other was scratched out. He had a beer-belly on him, He smelt awful, like sour milk, beer, and body odor." I told Brad the information he wanted. Yes, we know he wanted that info, that's why he asked.
"I've seen him lurking around your apartment build for awhile now, I didn't know what he wanted, I thought he was a bum off the street looking for a place to stay, I told him to go away before the cops came around the block for their nightly search, He left of course but I think he got into the building a little bit afterward, as you let me into your apartment I saw him out of the corner of my eye." Of course Brad tells me this when its no longer important. "I'll be over in 10 minutes; we'll finish the conversation when I get there." Brad said and hung up before Ray could say anything different.
P.s. Sorry its soo long |
Okay, wow that took a while. That's not a bad thing, though. Okay, as I pointed out in the story, you tell instead of show us a lot. The examples hopefully show you how to do something about that.
I don't know how many times I told you this above, but you have to start a new line whenever a new person talks, especially in a conversation, so you can tell who's saying what.
Another problem is you state the obvious. Very bluntly. You hint at most of then a lot first, most smart people can tell what you're saying, without you coming out and writing it directly.
Now, you've got my interest in this story. I want to see what happens with this strange guy, and what the job is th Brad and your MC are working on. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but the story line has a lot of potential, and I'm only trying to help you reach that potential. This is a good, solid start for the story. (You are going to lengthen it, aren't you?) I don't think you should stop here, there's still way too many questions. If you are going to continue, that's good, it makes em want to keep reading.
If you have any questions about my review, or when (if) the next part comes out, please PM me. |
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If life hands you lemons, make grape juice and let everyone wonder how you did it.
If you need a review, PM me or check out my topic in the "Will review for food" forum.
Last edited by Jamie_rocks on Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:55 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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