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Lilith
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 Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 3:05 pm Post subject: These Words |
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I have no idea if this is any good or if its in the right place, but I gave poetry another swing. So here goes.
I write down these words
And
Send you this note to confess how I feel.
I write down these phrases
Because
I cannot speak them to you.
I write down these expressions
Knowing
That they will never be returned.
But this is my confession,
And,
I loved you once. |
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carelessaussie13
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay. So. This is a good place to start, but right now you've really got nothing here. They challenge with being a poet in to today's world is that so much has already been said. If you really think about it, though, I'm sure you can find something totally new and original to make this poem shine, because right now it seems a little. . .dull. I like your formatting, but it's a little too short, I think, so say anything substantial in three short lines. Keep working on it. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry, but I kind of agree with carelessaussie in that much of what you're saying has already been said. And while it is almost impossible that a person could come up with an original thought after millions of years of human existence, you can put your own spin on things. (See what I mean about unoriginal thought? I've already filled this post with clichés!)
However, despite the length of the poem, you have two ideas that you can expand on for new poems:
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I write down these expressions
Knowing
That they will never be returned.
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Unrequited love - it's an oldie but a goodie. (I like it anyway.) How about expanding on this? You can use imagery and word choice to make your poem distinct and force your reader to feel your pain!
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But this is my confession,
And,
I loved you once. |
This would be a nice opening line for a poem, I think.
I would suggest thinking about your personal experiences with these subjects, or imagining how unrequited love/love that has since faded feels like, how it fades. Then after this, think about how you can convey them in a way that allows your audience to relate to the poem.
I hope this helped!  |
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Mad
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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It hasn't got any substance at the moment.
Where are the descriptions? It's just a retelling. One of the most important things about poetry is that you need to show your reader what to feel by describing an event in such a way so as to conjure the emotions you want to. By simply telling us what happened, with no sort of elaboration you cannot form a connection with your reader.
Poetry lacks the intonation, the facial expressions, the general body language of speech. So you'll need to describe those aspects. It also lacks the length of a novel (in most cases) which requires you to succinctly illustrate a point.
Also, your formatting. I don't quite see how it adds to your retelling. There are various reasons for breaks at certain points - to create a rhythm, to work for rhyme, for emphasis - but I don't see how it works towards a goal in this case.
Finally, the subject matter isn't very original (as the other posters have said)
So my suggestions
1. Add more description. At the moments you have the very minimum of a poem. With descriptions you will be able to evoke emotions in your reader which are pretty much essential in poetry, plus descriptions are important to the originality. Original descriptions = Original poetry.
2. Use a format which adds to the effectiveness of your poem.
3. Look for an interesting angle. In many cases its been said before, which doesn't mean you can't say it better but by approaching it from a different perspective you can make that easier.
Hope that helps, PM me if you have questions. |
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jessi123
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: |
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I quite like it actually, definitely isn't bad. I reckon short poems are the best kind, getting too over the top with imagery can get well boring sometimes, so this is why this poem's good. Yeah maybe there could be more to say but I like it.
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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It flows well, but it seemed more like a pre or post-piece to me. The concept is interesting, but I think you'd be better able to engage the reader if you began to express more of what you say in the letter and why.
I think the first stanza could be ommited as it doesn't really add to the poem. Maybe try exploring what would happen if you tried to speak these thinsg you can't say aloud, and how you know that they won't be returned.
The ending is nice, especially the last line. Maybe introduce more of how you feel about having loved the subject.
Hope this helps.
Jas |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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I have to agree with the first and second posters above me. (Hi, there!)  This seems to have a very light impact on the reader. If you were trying for condesencing language, you tried too hard. Go look at OverEasy's "His" Poem. It's shorter than yours, but it has a better impact. I liked the idea and the choice of words (and that alone saved you from an F), but it seemed like there was no steam to run out of! 
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Medusa
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:11 pm Post subject: |
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The real problem with this poem (and don't get me wrong, I actually liked it alot), is that it doesn't really get you anywhere. It leads you in the right direction but sort of stops at a dead end. Let's take a closer look at the last stanza.
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But this is my confession,
And,
I loved you once. |
Is the "and" really the appropriate connecting word here? If it is, then you haven't really given your confession, have you?
I like the idea of the formatting, it's quite clever. However, be wary of overdoing it. You don't want your peice to become monotonous.
Overall, I found it an enjoyable little peice to read. With more work it could improve alot. (that goes without saying.)
--Medusa. |
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Bookmarker
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject: Reply |
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That was a really good poem.  The last stanza messed up the rhythm though. What the words said helped it. I hate  the whole stressed and unstressed syllable deal but it can make or brake a poem. I'm glad you tried out poetry again and you should keep doing it!  |
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hobbes
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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joey, it's break, not brake
and to the writer dude, yeeeeaaaaaa.................what? this made no sense to me.that might just be me. |
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springrain2693
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:47 am Post subject: |
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The poem is a good starting point, but the word "and" should never or rarely be used as a connecting word. The poem also doesn't give the reader much hint of what the writer or subject is feeling nor what the words are about. But, I believe that with a fresh eye and a bit of advice this poem can turn into quite a masterpiece.
xJune |
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scribblingquill
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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I agree if you want it to be a good piece of literature then you have to do what those people up at the top encourage.
But I can tell this is pure expression, I used to write poems like this. And you should write other poems with more complex meanings or language, but keep this one. its simple, and its snappy, and its how you feel. |
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