Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

What Are You Reading?

Click Here, Now! Please? Just Click.
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Just A Memory
Just A Memory

by thevoiceinside in Lyrics
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 21, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
(No Title Yet) Chapter 1
(No title yet) Chapter 2

(No Title yet) Chapter 3
Topic ID: 31932
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
mateeah3   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

25
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 12
Joined: 24 Apr 2007
Posts: 50
Reviews: 25
Country: Washington
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:51 am    Post subject: (No Title yet) Chapter 3 Reply with quote

Chapter Three

I couldn't get my mind off of what Patrick was going to say as I followed Hayden and Dashil home. He wasn't a very serious person, but on the phone it didn't sound like he was kidding around. It was difficult to believe someone besides Patrick could have written it, especially Anna. She couldn't be alive! I bit my lip as I walked through the door to my house. I was nervous to hear what Patrick was going to say.

As I waited on the couch for Patrick to arrive, I let my hand dangle off. Our dog Cooper jumped up on the seat next to me. His tongue dangled out of his mouth as I rubbed his black, curly haired belly. I could smell my mom’s cooking in the kitchen; tonight we would have her famous Shepard’s Pie for dinner. I could hear Dashil, Hayden and my mom rambling on about how old they have to be to go to the park by themselves.

Ding-dong.

I got off the sofa and opened the door for Patrick. His hands were in his pockets and I could tell he was deep in thought. He scratched his curly golden hair and looked at me.

“I would never do that, Lace.” He stated, and pulled me into his arms before I could say a word. Suddenly I felt guilty for blaming him.

“I shouldn’t have blamed –”

“Shh. I don’t care.” He rubbed my back comfortingly. For a second, it felt like it was Anna who was holding me. It felt like a huge missing piece of my life was put back into place. Unfortunately, the feeling went away only seconds later. Nobody could replace Anna.

Patrick hugged me for a few more seconds, and then looked at me with a more serious face. “Will you show me it?”

“Yeah, of course. Follow me.”

I stepped out of the front door and it slammed shut behind me. Patrick and I quickened our pace so Hayden and Dashil couldn't catch up to us. I knew that they would be interested in going to the park again. We looped around to the back and followed the familiar trail back to the small park. I was nervous to see the writing again.

When we finally reached to park we went straight to the bench. I showed him where it said bottom wasn’t death. He shook his head in disbelief as he read it over and over again.

“This is insane…” he murmured.

“Do – do you think Anna really wrote this?” I stuttered,

Patrick stood back up and put his hands on his hips. He pursed his lips and shook his head. “I don’t know who else would. I mean, I can’t think of anyone who would do this… and nobody has handwriting like Anna’s.”

I nodded in agreement.

“Well, what are we going to do?” I asked.

Patrick pursed his lips, “I really don’t see what we can do.”

There was not really anything we could do. We didn’t know what to believe. It was crazy to think that Anna could still be alive somewhere, but that probably was not true. There was no other evidence, and we would just have to believe that somebody was playing a trick on us. I saw Anna fall. I didn’t even see the bottom of the pit she fell in. I didn’t even hear her hit a bottom by the time I had to run from the men.

“Well, whoever did this really screwed with us.” Patrick said with a bitter tone. “Let’s go.”

The rain started again, and we walked down the muddy path back to my house. I kicked a rock, and about half way to the house it landed in a small smudge of red grass.



Last edited by mateeah3 on Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:57 pm; edited 7 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
scasha   View This User's Portfolio
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
Novelist

145
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 03 May 2008
Posts: 268
Reviews: 145
Country: Under the stars of another sun
317 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:52 pm    Post subject: Re: (No Title yet) Chapter 3 Reply with quote

Hey again mateeah3! you left me hanging with the supsense on the last chapter so I decided to see what this one had in store for us!
As for titles, since a big part of the story seems to be about something carved into wood, try to make your titles have something to do with that. Just an idea.
Let's do this thing!
mateeah3 wrote:
Chapter Three
I couldn’t decide if Patrick was being serious. Honestly I didn’t think Patrick would joke around about this kind of thing, but I couldn’t think of anyone else who would do it. I just couldn't never believe it was actually Anna, she couldn’t be alive! I was clueless. This all seemed like a dream.
As I waited on the couch for Patrick to arrive Okay I thought she was going to stay by the bench which I assumed was out in the woods to wait for Patrick. That's what it sounded like in the last chapter. However, if you have her switch venues have her tell patrick in the previous chapter to meet her at home or at least show us that she went home at the beginning of this chapter. Don't change setting without justifying why you changed , I let my hand dangle off the side of the couch. Our dog Cooper jumped up onto the seat next to me on the couch with me. His tongue dangled out of his mouth as I rubbed his black, curly- haired belly. I could smell my mom’s cooking in the kitchen semicolon instead of comma tonight we would have her famous Shepard’s Pie for dinner. I could hear Dashil, Hayden and my mom rambling on about how old they have to be to go to the park by themselves.

Ding-dong.

I got off the sofa and opened the door for Patrick. His hands were in his pockets and I could tell he was deep in thought. He scratched his curly golden brain hair and looked at me.

“I would never do that, Lace.” He muttered, and pulled me into his arms before I could say a word. Suddenly I felt guilty for blaming him.

“I shouldn’t have blamed –”

“Shh. I don’t care.” He rubbed my back comfortingly, reminding me of Anna. I couldn’t help it. My eyes welled up and my nose tingled. And I let myself cry in Patrick’s arms. I cried and cried, and Patrick didn’t move. Finally I wiped my last tear away.

“I’m sorry you had to –”

“What? Are you serious?” Patrick interrupted me again. He put his hands on my face and chuckled, “Don’t be sorry, Lace. Please. Don’t be.”

He pulled me in for one more hug, and then his face turned serious again. “Will you show me it?”

“Yeah, of course. Follow me.”

I stepped out of the front door and shut it slammed shut behind me, right before I shouted to my mom that I was going to the park and would be back in a couple minutes. Patrick and I quickened our pace so Hayden and Dashil couldn't catch up to us. I knew that they would be interested in going to the park again. We looped around to the back and follow a the familiar trail back to the small park. I was nervous to see the writing again.

When we finally reached to park we went straight to the bench. I showed him where it said bottom wasn’t death. He shook his head in disbelief as he read it over and over again.

“This is insane…” he murmured.

“Do – do you think Anna really wrote this?” I stuttered,

Patrick stood back up and put his hands on his hips. He pursed his lips and shook his head. “I don’t know who else would. I mean, I can’t think of anyone who would do this… and nobody has handwriting like Anna’s.”

I nodded in agreement.

“Well, what are we going to do?” I asked.

Patrick pursed his lips, “I really don’t see what we can do.”

There was not really anything we could do. We didn’t know what to believe. It was crazy to think that Anna could still be alive somewhere, but that probably was not true. There was no other evidence, and we would just have to believe that somebody was playing a trick on us. I saw Anna fall. I didn’t even see the bottom of the pit she fell in. I didn’t even hear her hit a bottom by the time I had to run from the men.

“Well, whoever did this really fucked fucked, here seems a bit out of place and out of character for Patrick. It also doesn't seemed needed. Instead say screwed with us.” Patrick said with a bitter tone. “Let’s go.”

The rain started again, and we walked down got back onto the muddy path back to my house. I kicked a rock home, and about half way to the house it home the rock landed in a small streak of red grass.


If anybody has any suggestions for the title, I'd be happy to hear them. Smile I suck at titles.


Interesting again! You held my attention the entire way! I can't wait to read more! Here are my general suggestions once more:

Crying a River: Okay, when Lace starts crying, it felt a little too abrupt for my taste. Show us her feelings. Have her think more about Anna, about maybe how she thought she could have saved her, if she feels guilty, have her think more, maybe about how Anna looked when she fell. Show us her feelings before she cries a puddle of water on Patrick's shoulder.

Where am I?: Like I said at the beginning, the setting change was too abrupt. Lead into it. Show us that she walks back home. Show us that on the way she thinks about her phone call and put in the stuff you had about her thinking about Anna in her thoughts as she walks home. That way, your readers aren't confused as to where you've taken them.

Other than that, well done! I look forward to the next installment!

_________________
"Nous sommes tout deux victime. De ce doux jeu d'amants." -- Ce Jeu par Yelle
Want to enter a spiffy contest run by yours truly? Enter Here or how about This One?
Want a truly amazing critique? PM me!!

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 21, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 21, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it. - Olin Miller
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society