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chocoholic
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 Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: Why The Boy Cried 'Wolf'! |
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This is an idea that's been floating around my head for a while, and when we were watching Scrubs in History I, instead of putting myself through that pain, wrote this in the back of my History book. I'm mainly looking to see whether people thought it was funny, because humor isn't my best thing, and I think this could be really funny.
Characters:
ASHLEIGH- A boy of ten. Known to the rest of the world as 'the boy who cried wolf'.
PHSYCOLOGIST- A woman of about 30. She holds many jobs and is he one who ASHLEIGH is sent to talk to.
Ext. Big, grey building. ASHLEIGH sidles up and enters. Int. Office. PHSYCOLOGIST is sitting at a desk. ASHELIGH walks in and sits down. PHSYCOLOGIST looks up and smiles.
PHYSOCLOGIST: Hello Ashleigh. How are you?
ASHLEIGH: (mumbling) Fine. Why do I have to see you?
PHSYCOLOGIST: (leaning towards ASHLEIGH) Because your parents thought it would be a good idea. Don’t you want to be here?
ASHLEIGH: Does anybody want to be here?
PHSYCOLOGIST: (laughing and leaning back in her chair) You’re probably right, but you’re here now. So, what do you want to talk about? I think your parents want me to help you with your trouble from… a few months ago. How do you feel about that, want to talk about it?
ASHLEIGH: I guess.
PHSYCOLOGIST: (nodding) Okay then. Why don’t you start off by telling me exactly what happened?
ASHELIGH: Surely you read the newspapers. I was up on the hill for three days, and I kept pretending a wolf was there. On the third day, there really was one, but nobody came. The doctors said I’m lucky to be alive.
PHSYCOLOGIST: Yes, I read the newspapers. But I wanted to here it from you. Why do you think you lied the first two times?
ASHELIGH: (shrugging) I don’t know, I just did. Surely you’ve lied?
PHSYCOLOGIST: I’ll be the one asking the questions here, Ashleigh. So, why a wolf exactly? I mean, of all the things you could have shouted, why a wolf?
ASHLEIGH: I can tell you that. Did you know that wolves eat little boys? Well, I couldn’t have that, so I shouted and I thought all the wolves would be killed. There, end of story. Can I go now?
ASHLEIGH begins to stand up. PHSYCOLOGIST frowns and makes him sit down again.
PHSYCOLOGIST: Yeah, sure. I don’t believe you Ashleigh. Really, just tell me why you did it. It’s not hard. And maybe people will stop calling you ‘the boy who cried wolf’.
ASHLEIGH: Well maybe it was to cover the fact that I’m a wolf hunter and I spend my time murdering wolves. Maybe I needed a cover as to why all the wolves were gone. Could that be it, oh great one?
PHSYCOLOGIST: Now, now, Ashleigh. We both know that’s not true. I’m the only wolf hunter in this city. Now just tell me the truth.
ASHLEIGH: Fine. What about this? I’m a time traveler, and I went into the future and found out that I’d be attacked by a wolf on the hill, but I wasn’t sure of the exact date, so I just shouted wolf each time I went up? Is that an acceptable reason?
PHSYCOLOGIST: Don’t be stupid Ashleigh, I’m the only time traveler in the city. Really Ashleigh, why? Don’t you want to figure it out?
ASHLEIGH: (blushing) Fine, I’ll tell you! I’m in love with you and your wolf-killing, time-traveling ways. I thought if I lied about it my parents would send my here to talk to you, and then one day you’d fall in love with me? What have you got to say about that, huh? What?
ASHLEIGH storms out of the office. PHSYCOLOGIST is left at the desk looking shocked.
PHSYCOLOGIST: (whispering) I was going to say you were bored and had nothing better to do. |
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:41 am Post subject: Re: Why The Boy Cried 'Wolf'! |
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Hey Chocoholic! Scripts aren't generally my area of expertise so feel free to shoot down any of my suggestions. Here's my crit key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better.
Let's get this party started.
| chocoholic wrote: |
This is an idea that's been floating around my head for a while, and when we were watching Scrubs in History I, instead of putting myself through that pain, wrote this in the back of my History book. I'm mainly looking to see whether people thought it was funny, because humor isn't my best thing, and I think this could be really funny.
Characters:
ASHLEIGH- A boy of ten. Known to the rest of the world as 'the boy who cried wolf'.
PHSYCOLOGIST- A woman of about 30. She holds many jobs and is he is the one who ASHLEIGH is sent to talk to.
Ext. Big, grey building. ASHLEIGH sidles up and enters. Int. Office. PHSYCOLOGIST is sitting at a desk. ASHELIGH walks in and sits down. PHSYCOLOGIST looks up and smiles.
PHYSOCLOGIST: Hello Ashleigh. How are you?
ASHLEIGH: (mumbling) Fine. Why do I have to see you?
PHSYCOLOGIST: (leaning towards ASHLEIGH) Because your parents thought it would be a good idea. Don’t you want to be here?
ASHLEIGH: Does anybody want to be here?
PHSYCOLOGIST: (laughing and leaning back in her chair) You’re probably right, but you’re here now This sentence felt awkwardly worded. I don't really think someone could say that. I would delete it and start with the next sentence. Have her shake her head and ignor Ashleigh's questions. Or instead have her say, Most people don't but that's not news to me or something like that. I just don't like that sentence . So, what do you want to talk about? I think your parents want me to help you with your trouble from… a few months ago. How do you feel about that, want to talk about it?
ASHLEIGH: I guess.
PHSYCOLOGIST: (nodding) Okay then. Why don’t you start off by telling me exactly what happened?
ASHELIGH: Surely you You read the newspapers. I was up on the hill for three days, and I kept pretending a wolf was there. On the third day, there really was one, but nobody came. The doctors said I’m lucky to be alive.
PHSYCOLOGIST: Yes, I read the newspapers. But I wanted to hear it from you. Why do you think you lied the first two times?
ASHELIGH: (shrugging) I don’t know, I just did. Surely you’ve lied? I really don't like the word Surely. Find another way to phrase the sentence. People in reality don't really say surely all that much
PHSYCOLOGIST: I’ll be the one asking the questions here, Ashleigh. So, why a wolf exactly? I mean, of all the things you could have shouted, why a wolf?
ASHLEIGH: I can tell you that. Did you know that wolves eat little boys? Well, I couldn’t have that, so I shouted and I thought all the wolves would be killed. There, end of story. Can I go now?
ASHLEIGH begins to stand up. PHSYCOLOGIST frowns and makes him sit down again.
PHSYCOLOGIST: Yeah, sure. I don’t believe you Ashleigh. Really, just tell me why you did it. It’s not hard. And maybe people will stop calling you ‘the boy who cried wolf’.
ASHLEIGH: Well maybe it was to cover the fact that I’m a wolf hunter and I spend my time murdering wolves. Maybe I needed a cover as to why all the wolves were gone. Could that be it, oh great one?
PHSYCOLOGIST: Now, now, Ashleigh. We both know that’s not true. I’m the only wolf hunter in this city. Now just tell me the truth. I was a bit confused by this exchange. Care to elaborate? It was a bit too abrupt
ASHLEIGH: Fine. What about this? I’m a time traveler, and I went into the future and found out that I’d be attacked by a wolf on the hill, but I wasn’t sure of the exact date, so I just shouted wolf each time I went up? Is that an acceptable reason?
PHSYCOLOGIST: Don’t be stupid Ashleigh, I’m the only time traveler in the city. Really Ashleigh, why? Don’t you want to figure it out? Again, are you just trying to be sarcastic, because it bothers me a bit
ASHLEIGH: (blushing) Fine, I’ll tell you! I’m in love with you and your wolf-killing, time-traveling ways. I thought if I lied about it my parents would send my here to talk to you, and then one day you’d fall in love with me? What have you got to say about that, huh? What? I found this funny hehehe
ASHLEIGH storms out of the office. PHSYCOLOGIST is left at the desk looking shocked.
PHSYCOLOGIST: (whispering) I was going to say you were bored and had nothing better to do. Love this ending line. Pretty much takes the cake right there |
You have an interesting/possibility to be funny idea here. I like it! You can improve on it too:
I Don't Like to Jump, I'm Afraid I'll Fall: Okay, by saying this I mean your dialogue and ideas jump around a bit too much. The beginning is very abrupt. Psycologists in general don't just jump right into the problem, they talk around it, they ask about school, they ask what friends you have, your parents, that kind of thing which eventually segways into okay, why did you do this? Ashleigh jumped right into an explanation too fast to be believable. Usually kids don't like to talk about it.
That's a Riot: At first, even though you said funny at the beginning, as I was reading I got the sense that it was a bit more serious of a piece for some reaosn. I have no idea why, it may have been just the way you wrote it, but I had a lot of trouble believing what happened and I also had a lot of trouble distinguishing the sarcasm from the seriousness. Reread it and try to make it flow better. Don't hop around. By jumping around you can lose some of your jokes. Write it as you would anything else and try not to force the humor. Just let it happen. If you force it, it sounds forced. And at some points here, it did.
Other than that, well done! I loved the ending lines. Those were the best by far! Keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions! |
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lhighton
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, chocoholic! I don't know much about scripts either... but I'll give it a go.
I liked it - it was fresh and fun, and also the dialogue was written it a a way that people would actually speak - which I guess it essential for a script. I have no problems with this.
My only faulting with it is that you spelled 'psychologist' wrong, the whole way through. If one of your main characters is a psychologist, it is a essential you know how to spell it. You wrote 'phsycologist' or something similar. |
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sofi
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403 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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I loved your idea for this and i think it has a lot of potential. a lot of this is my personal response and opinion of your piece so obviously you dont have to agree 
i thought tht some of the things ashleigh said wouldnt necesarily be the way a 10 year old would talk. i loved the dialogue i just think it might have worked better if ashleigh's character was slightly older?
also, i think this might just be me being picky but one of ashleigh's lines i think would sound better if instead of :
'Surely, you've lied'
was something more like
'You must have lied before?'
i also think it might work better as a more serious peice. i think it would leave you with much more to work with and play around with and i also just generally think that it would have more of an impact.
but like i said i thought the idea was fantastic. really original. i enjoyed reading it |
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Myles Wong
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this piece, but I think some of the elements were a little odd. For example, Psychologist Woman; she kills wolves and time-travels in her spare time. This doesn't exactly scream "Child Psychiatrist" to me, and it was a little bit out of nowhere. Drop hints earlier on, expand on it, explain it - don't just drop the bombshell on us three quarters of the way down the page.
Also, she doesn't seem amazing at her job, even beyond her peculiar hobbies. Jumping straight into asking why a child did something highly dangerous which left him "lucky to be alive" before dismissing any of their answers and calling them stupid isn't really what psychiatrists do. Get her to explore his relationship with his parents and those who live around him – who knows, there's probably quite a bit of humour you can insert there.
Also, maybe I'm naive, but it's also difficult to imagine why a rebellious, sarcastic ten-year-old boy would fall in love with someone twenty years older than them. However, I never thought there was any specific age for the boy who cried wolf. Maybe make the boy 14 or 15 and try to make the psychologist a bit younger. See what you can do.
Oh, and spell psychologist right. It’s one of the only misspellings in the piece, and it’s a real shame to have it come up so often – it makes you look like a worse writer than you are.
Finally, don’t leave it at that! It’s a brilliant context, and despite these little nit-pickings, I really enjoyed the piece. Also, after improving on this piece, there are a lot of places you can go with a time-travelling psychologist with a taste for children’s story characters. See if you can tell us why the little engine that could actually wanted to, or something.
Keep writing, and may your creative loins be full of fruit. Allons-y into new territories. |
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