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A Degraded Angel
A Degraded Angel

by bisquit in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 20, 2008
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The Ouija Board
Topic ID: 31921
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: The Ouija Board Reply with quote

This is part 2/7 of the Séance series. If you want this to make sense, I recommend you read The Séance. I hope you like it.

A/N: Ouija is pronounced WEE-GEE.

_

Ouija [Oui – ja]

1. A trademark used for a board with the alphabet and other symbols on it, and a planchette that is thought, when touched with the fingers, to move in such a way as to spell out spiritualistic and telepathic messages on the board.

I instantly pulled my hand away from the marker. I heard Richard whisper, “Oh, my God.” Brianne and Roger both gasped and Jen was frozen.

Steve had nearly jumped out of his skin when the marker had slid over to the word ‘Yes’. He yanked his hand back. The marker spun off the board.

No one wanted to touch it.

“Lillian…” Richard muttered and squeezed my hand tighter. I couldn’t believe it! Could it really be Grandma? Could she really be here?

“Um,” Jen whispered. Her hand was entwined with Steve’s. “What was that?”

Roger answered, “I think someone moved the marker. I don’t think we actually made spiritual contact.”

“Shut up, Roger!” Sam said. “What if we really did? What if that was Lillian’s grandma that pushed the marker?”

“I can believe what I’d like!” Roger cried and hit the board with his fists. “I don’t need you to tell me what I can and can’t believe!” He slammed the board again.

“Shut up, you retard,” Steve said and glared at Roger. I could see Roger’s vein bulging from his forehead. There was sweat beading from his hairline, and his glasses were sliding down past his nose.

“That’s it! I’m leaving!” Roger shouted and stamped his foot on the board. Richard sighed and swept the board out from under his feet. Roger bit his lip and turned to leave.

“No! Roger, no! You have to stay! Please!” Richard cried. He stood up and grabbed Roger’s arm. “Please. Just stay until we are sure that we didn’t make contact with a ghost.”

Roger frowned. “Steve pushed it!”

Steve looked up and glared at him. “Oh, yeah? What makes you think that? You wanna go, punk?” Steve shot up into the air and formed a fist with his right hand.

Jen cried, “No! Steve! Steve, sit down! You don’t need to fight! Just sit down!” She yanked on his muscular arm. Steve glared at her.

“Get off me. I can pick a fight with whoever I want.” But after he said that, he lowered himself to the ground again. Roger was breathing deeply. Furiously.

“I’m going. Happy birthday, Richard,” Roger muttered and walked through the front door. Richard sighed and looked at me. He shook his head.

I reached out to touch his shoulder, but he wiped my hand away. I could feel the sorrow in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Brianne said, “it’s getting late, and I got to head home too. It’s been fun. Happy birthday.” She nodded to Richard.

“We have to leave too,” Jen said politely, eyeing Steve. “It’s past midnight. Let’s go.” She tugged on his shirt as she stood up.

Steve looked at Richard. “Happy birthday, man. It’s been, uh, fun?” Richard rolled his eyes and smiled a half smile.

When they left the house, it was only Sam, Richard and I.

“Well, what a bunch of losers!” Sam cried and stood up. “We didn’t even get to finish the séance!”

“Sam,” Richard said, “I think it’s better if we don’t finish the séance. I mean, it’s cool and all that, but it’s really creepy. I think maybe later, you know, after everyone has cooled down, we can bring out the board again. But not tonight.”

I picked up the marker as Richard placed the Ouija board in the box. He smiled his crooked smile and I hugged him.

“It’s been a great night. Happy birthday,” I whispered in his ear. Richard turned his head and I stared into his eyes.

It felt so right, yet so wrong at the same time. It felt perfect as I leaned in my head. I closed my eyes.

Our lips touched and I was in heaven for the first time. I pulled back a bit too abruptly. Richard opened his eyes.

“What?” he breathed.

“Nothing,” I whispered. “It’s just that I’m new at this…”

“Don’t stop now,” he said and pressed his lips together with mine. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Sam as he left.

*

I woke up the next day to my alarm clock. Turning off the alarm, my hand brushed against something smooth and eerily cold. A knife. A butcher's knife. I didn't remember putting a knife on my nightstand.

I was too drowsy to put two and two together. I slid on my slippers and walked to the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the closet on the way. As I flicked on the lights, I saw my reflection in the mirror. My frizzy hair was messy and disgusting looking. I smiled as I remembered last night.

I started undressing to get in the shower. Leaning forward, I looked into the mirror.

My lips. My lips had touched his. It was the most romantic, lovely, exhilarating, and emotional—

I lifted my shirt up over my head and gasped. My mouth dropped and my eyes widened. Right next to the shoulder strap of my bra was a long scratch. It had scabbed over.

“When did I get—”

My voice disappeared as I turned around to look at my back in the mirror.

There were scratches and cuts and bruises covering my back. I froze, not knowing what to do. The cuts were all deep—some were still oozing blood. I suddenly felt nauseous. The scabbing had seemed to overtake my whole backside. The red, dried up blood had dyed my skin, and I was petrified.

My mouth was mouthing inaudible words. My eyes were glued to the mirror. I couldn’t believe what had happened.

The scratches dominated my skin. There was almost none of it left. Everything was bruised and swollen and scabbed.

I didn’t even realize I was screaming until Mom rushed into the bathroom. I was still frozen as she yelled when she saw my skin. She was screaming at me. I was screaming back. I couldn’t make out what she was saying—everything dissolved into a loud, messy commotion.

She was covering her mouth with her hand, tears streaming down her face.

“Who did this to you? Who did this to you?” Her voice was becoming hoarse. I didn’t have an answer; I had woken up and discovered it.

That was when I remembered the knife on my nightstand. Could that possibly be the reason? Could someone have come into my room, late at night and cut me?

No. The answer came instantly. I would’ve felt them doing it. How, then? How?

An hour later, I found myself sitting on my couch, staring at my parents. Dad had just gotten home from work, and Mom was still trembling, tears sliding down her face.

“Who did this to you?”

I didn’t have an answer. I gazed vacuously at the couch’s leather covering. The leather had many foldings in it, causing it to wrinkle. I bit the inside of my cheek.

“Lillian, listen to me,” Dad said slowly, his eyes hard and cold. “I want to know who did this to you. Tell the truth.”

“Dad,” I whispered, refusing to look into his eyes, “I don’t know who did this to me…”

“Where you raped?” Mom asked softly. Her eyes darted between mine. I slowly shook my head, still horrified. I knew exactly who had done this to me. It had all been because of last night.

The séance had not been a failure. We had really conversed with a spirit and now it was hurting me. The knife flashed into my mind. The spirit must’ve used it. It must’ve used it to cut open my skin. There was no other possible explanation.

“Lillian, listen to us!” Mom shrieked. “Who did this to you?” My lip trembled. I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t tell them that we had had a séance yesterday. They would never allow me to see Richard again.

“No one did anything to me,” I whispered, wiping a tear out of my eye. My mother’s face fell, and my father’s jaw dropped.

“Are you saying that you did this yourself?” My father’s voice was fragile, as if it could break easily. I slowly raised my eyes to meet his. Should I tell him? Should I lie to him? It would get everything over with so much faster. I didn’t want to be interrogated any longer. If I told him that I had cut myself, they would surely send me to some shrink and put me on some anti-depressant pills. If I told them that a ghost had cut me, they wouldn’t accept it. If I told them that someone had raped me, I would be going to see a shrink also.

“No one did this to me. I woke up and I found myself like this. It wasn’t there last night.” I managed to cough out the words. It was all true—that’s how it all happened. I didn’t want to tell them how it happened, though.

“Anne,” Dad said to Mom, “I think she did to herself. Unless someone has viciously attacked her—”

“Like rape?” My mother seemed to favor that idea.

“Well, yes, like rape, then she would tell us.” Dad looked at me. “Why won’t you just tell us the truth? Whoever did this to you needs to be caught. If you did this to yourself, then you need to tell us why. We want to help you.”

“I can’t believe that you would think I would do this myself! I would never! I’m not like that, Dad! I tell you guys everything. I don’t know what happened. If I did, I would tell you!” I cried.

“Then tell us!” Mom shrieked. Her yell echoed throughout the house. I leaned back into the couch.

“I have. I’ve told you everything I know.”

“This is serious, Lillian! Someone could go to jail for doing this to you! Just tell us!” Dad said, standing up. His overpowering voice frightened me.

I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Fine. You want to know the real truth?” My parents’ mouths dropped. “I’ll tell you what really happened. I talked to Grandma last night. In a séance. I talked to her, and she was there. In the room. We - I was so spooked that I stopped the séance and threw the board away.” As soon as I stopped, I knew I had said too much.

“Threw what board away?” Mom yelled, her eyes darting again.

I sighed. “A Ouija board. I bought a ouija board.”

My father shook his head and put his hands to his face. “Lillian, the ouija board is a tool for the devil! It’s for satanic people! Lillian, I can’t believe that you would throw away our Catholic teachings and go and—”

“It’s a tool for the devil?” I was just as shocked as he was.

“Yes! Don’t you understand what that does?! It let’s Satan’s spirits in Purgatory tell us lies and lead us from the truth! It will try and damn our souls!” Dad’s voice rose with each word. I was terrified. If I had known that it had something to do with the devil, I would never have participated.

“Dad, I’m sorry! I didn’t know!” My voice was failing. My father shook his head, his face bright red.

“Go to your room. Now. Go and pray for forgiveness,” my mother cried, pointing her finger to my bedroom.

“Anne, what about her back? What are we going to do about it?” I glanced at my parents, who were facing each other.

“I’ll take her to the doctor as soon as I can make an appointment.”

I slammed my door shut and the tears burned as they crawled down my face. I didn’t even bother wiping them away. I fell to my knees and clasped my hands together, muttering a prayer.

The devil’s tool. I had told myself long ago that I would never intertwine with something to do with Lucifer. I didn’t want to be sent to hell.

I prayed for forgiveness, and prayed that I might be protected from the devil’s deeds. I also prayed for my friends that they might not wake up with scratches and bruises and cuts.


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Last edited by Jared on Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh wow. That's extremely suspenseful. I was hooked from the beginning, and by the end I was like "Oh holy crap!" Anyway, as always, your writing is very believable. I really liked that this chapter was told from Lillian's point of view, and I am hoping that you will (which you probably are) tell each chapter from each of the kid's points of view, since there are seven of them and seven chapters. Um, I only found one or two corrections, I think so here they are:

Quote:
I didn’t remember putting a knife on my nightstand. I woke up the next day to my alarm clock. Turning off the alarm, my hand brushed something smooth and eerily cold. A knife. A butcher’s knife.


This paragraph is kind of weird and it's hard to explain, but I feel like the first sentence should be somewhere else in this paragraph like maybe: I woke up the next day to my alarm clock. Turning off the alarm, my hand brushed against something smooth and eerily cold. A knife. A butcher's knife. I didn't remember putting a knife on my nightstand because it almost sounds like she found the knife twice, if that makes any sense.

Quote:
The knife flashed into my mind. The spirit must’ve used it. It must’ve used it to cut open my skin. There was no other possible explanation.


This makes Lillian sound kind of dim. Shouldn't she have figured that out earlier? Hee hee.

Quote:
If I told them that someone had raped me, I would be going to see a shrink.


You already used those words in the previous sentence. Reword it, maybe?

Quote:
“Fine. You want to know the real truth?” My parents’ mouth’s dropped.


I'm not sure, but I think that you can take out the apostrophe in 'mouth's'. I could be wrong, though.

Anywhoo, that's all. Good job capturing Lillian's horror, and I think the part with the parents was very good. It made me feel confused and terrified like Lillian was.

Holly

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love It

This was thrilling! I couldn't stop reading. Wow. One other thing that I liked about this which was kind of minor was the romantic-ness. I'm a sucker for little scenes like that and it was a nice touch.

Characters Are People Too

Emotions are vital to people because it distinguishes us from everybody else in this world. Well anyways, the fact that the characters were very religious was a true to life touch, the parents, I thought were a little over the top. Why wouldn't they believe their own daughter. Especially, if they believed in sins. Lying would be something they taught as a wrong, am I right? Although it is understandable that shock would govern their minds, maybe later on the reader needs to know why the parents didn't believe her as crazy as her reasoning sounded. I don't know that's just my opinion.

All in all


No matter what happens in this story it will be great because you rock. Sometimes I might find something so small that I don't like but hey that's just me. I will continue to read because like a fish to bait I'm hooked. Your plot is amazingly good and it has all the ingredients a story cake needs.
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:07 am    Post subject: :D Reply with quote

Hey Teddy

This story was as good as the Séance ! I really enjoyed reading them and hope you'll be writing more soon!

It was well-written, with good description and dialogue. In the beginning i was mildly confused about who the MC was, though later on I understood it was Lillian. She, at one point, says she bought the Ouija board, which isnt true. Show us if she's doing this to protect her friends.

PM me with questions on Wicca, etc, or when you post a continuation!

XxxDo


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

3B!

Haha, I'm gonna crit! I'm critting your work! Razz

You know you love me. Wink

Grammar and First Impressions

Quote:
Brianne and Roger both gasped, and Jen was frozen.


Very Happy

Quote:
Richard rolled his eyes and smiled a half smile half-smile.


Quote:
When they left the house, it was only Sam, Richard and I me.


Bwah! I love catching this one 'cause I understand it now. Laughing If you take Sam, Richard, and out of the sentence, does it make sense? It was only I. Sounds weird, doesn't it? It was only me. Ahh, that sounds better! ^_^ It was only Sam, Richard, and me. My heart sings with joy. Very Happy

Quote:
I think maybe later, [dash instead] you know, after everyone has cooled down, [dash instead] we can bring out the board again.


It's awkward to read, but I know what you mean. A little punctuation work should do the job. ^^ Up to you what you want to do. This is just a suggestion from the top of my head. Very Happy

Quote:
He smiled his crooked smile, and I hugged him.


Quote:
Richard turned his head, and I stared into his eyes.


Quote:
It felt so right, [no comma] yet so wrong at the same time.


Quote:
Our lips touched, and I was in heaven for the first time.


Quote:
My mouth was mouthing inaudible words


Repetition of mouth. Probably for lack of better words. You could try something like my mouth opened and closed or I mouthed. Just make a few changes, of course. Remember those examples are off the top of my head. XD

Quote:
I gazed vacuously at the couch’s leather covering. The leather had many foldings in it, causing it to wrinkle.


Could substitute one with fabric or hide, though the latter may be a bit weird. xD

Quote:
Where Were you raped?” Mom asked softly.


Way to be blunt. XD

Quote:
I woke up, and I found myself like this.


Quote:
I think she did it/this to herself.


Quote:
“Like rape?” My mother seemed to favor that idea.


It's so funny 'cause it doesn't even make sense. XD

Quote:
I leaned back into the couch.


I was going to mention this at the end, but this seems like a good spot. I cringed here because I never saw her wash and wrap her cuts on her back. As far as I know, the blood seeped through her shirt and could very well stain the poor leather. The poor couch. Sad

I do think you need to mention them taking care of the wounds. Surely some of them need stitches?

Quote:
I sighed. “A Ouija board. I bought a ouija board.”


Wait, I thought it was Sam. Confused

Quote:
I slammed my door shut, and the tears burned as they crawled down my face.


Quote:
I prayed for forgiveness, [no comma] and prayed that I might be protected from the devil’s deeds.


Overall

Right when you introduced the cuts and bruises -- that was scary. Awesome job. Very Happy I liked this part except for her parents. The poor girl woke up with mysterious cuts and bruises, and her parents are interrogating her? They're not even worried about her health?

And I'm not a Catholic, so does a Catholic believe superstition like a Ouija Board? *doesn't know* *trying to be helpful* *fails*

And then I thought Sam bought the Ouija Board, not Lillian. That little fact may save Lillian's reputation with her parents. xD

Time to eat. Awesome part! Keep writing! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, hey! Here for part two....

First off, this part seemed a lot more rushed than the first part. It was like everyone suddenly got up and left and then she got cut up and then she prayed. I think you need to draw it out more, build on the suspense and then shock the reader. Here we didn't get much time to become shocked.

Having said that, I like where this is going and your overall ideas for the plot - I just think they need some more structure.

Quote:
“I can believe what I’d like!” Roger cried and hit the board with his fists. “I don’t need you to tell me what I can and can’t believe!” He slammed the board again.

This all seemed a bit sudden and out of context. Would Roger really react like that? Would he randomly get angry? Or would he get scared and perhaps say 'I told you guys this was a bad idea' or something like that? Would he maybe want to leave there and then? I think you just need to change this slightly. You can still have the characters get in a fight; you just need to have it mould into one rather than happen so suddenly. Perhaps use the line I quoted above and then Sam could tell him to shut up.

Quote:
“That’s it! I’m leaving!” Roger shouted and stamped his foot on the board. Richard sighed and swept the board out from under his feet. Roger bit his lip and turned to leave.

As this is in first person you can have comments from the narrator. Perhaps Lillian thinks that they're behaving ridiculously. Maybe she tells them to stop it. You have to remember that there are other characters there - especially girls, who are likely to say something at this point.

Quote:
When they left the house, it was only Sam, Richard and I.

Should be a 'left' at the end of that sentence.

Quote:
It felt perfect as I leaned in my head.

This sentence doesn't really make sense. Perhaps re-word it to say that she leaned towards him, or something like that.

Quote:
“Don’t stop now,” he said and pressed his lips together with mine.

This seems a little rude and abrupt on Richard's part (which I don't think he is as the first part showed him as a pretty cool guy). Perhaps have him say something soothing to her such as 'It's okay' or 'it doesn't matter' as Lillian is worried about it being her first kiss.


Quote:
I woke up the next day to my alarm clock. Turning off the alarm, my hand brushed against something smooth and eerily cold. A knife. A butcher's knife. I didn't remember putting a knife on my nightstand.

Whoa!! Too sudden and unrealistic. If you woke up to find a butchers knife next to your bed would you really just get up and go to the bathroom? I know that I would start screaming. Now, you can re-order this so it makes a bit more sense. You could have her see something glint under her dresser or something but have her not really take it in. Then she goes to the bathroom, finds all the cuts and then goes back to her room to see the knife.

Quote:
The red, dried up blood had dyed my skin, and I was petrified.

You could probably get away with making this two sentences. Full stop after skin. It just gives it more affect and you can scrap the 'and' that way.

Quote:
“Like rape?” My mother seemed to favor that idea.

Very awkward wording and doesn't make any sense really - she wouldn't favour the idea.

Quote:
I slammed my door shut and the tears burned as they crawled down my face. I didn’t even bother wiping them away. I fell to my knees and clasped my hands together, muttering a prayer.

Wouldn't she be terrified to go to the room where the knife was? Or maybe she would go and look at it - see if there was blood on it or see if she could recognise the knife itself.
Also, she didn't seem so Catholic when she was kissing Richard. I don't know much about religion but surely she would feel a bit dodgy about kissing a guy - especially if her parents are a bit uptight. I think you need to introduce her religion earlier on - in the first part she could wonder aloud whether she should be taking part and if talking with spirits is against her religion etc.

Quote:
I prayed for forgiveness, and prayed that I might be protected from the devil’s deeds. I also prayed for my friends that they might not wake up with scratches and bruises and cuts.

This again was a bit abrupt and almost sounds child-like. I know you can do a lot better than this paragraph - stick to your suspense and make sure that your characterisation works otherwise don't do it from different perspectives.

Overall

This was good but the main things you need to improve on are your characterisation, your detail (more of it please!) and make sure you don't rush things. We want to know everything but we don't want to be herded through it all.
This needs to be drawn out so it's scary - this part lacked the suspense and the scariness that the first part had.

All the best and please feel free to pm me for help - you obviously have a good story here you just need to set it out a bit better.

I can't wait to read the next part, I'll try and get round to it asap.

Alainna
xxx

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there Jared!

Finally getting to this. Things have cooled down for the next few days and I decided to pay you a visit. I was not disappointed. The story definately holds my attention. Like I said in my review of your last piece, you have a way of delivering the story completely, cleanly, and simply. You also have a way of animating your characters directly off of the page. My only complaint about this writing itself is the fact that you leave out metaphors and similes and good imagery. Except for important plot pivots (re: when MC wakes up with cuts and bruises on her back), you rarely describe scenery or feelings in a creative, innovative fashion.

Two other things before I hit you with the details: 1.) What is your main character's name? I scanned through the last installment and I couldn't find any mention of it. And in this piece I couldn't find one either. EDIT: I found it hidden in the dialogue between her and the parents. 2.) In The Seance it was the MC's party. In The Ouiji Board, it's Richard's party. I'm confused. Were they having a double party or something or did you just make a consistency error?

Quote:
She yanked on his muscular arm.


The adjective muscular is unneccesary.

Quote:
I reached out to touch his shoulder, but he wiped my hand away. I could feel the sorrow in his eyes


Way too melodramatic. This sentence gave me a little emotional whiplash. It's not like his parents were just killed in a car wreck or his girlfriend just dumped him or anything that would justify that kind of reaction from the MC and Richard. My advice: cut it or reword it. And if you choose to reword it, eliminate 'sorrow'.

Quote:
It felt so right, yet so wrong at the same time. It felt perfect as I leaned in my head. I closed my eyes.


Okay. So up until now, I assumed that your main character was masculine. Since you really didn't provided any sort of name, I assumed (until you mentioned the bra in the next passage), that this guy was homosexual. All your description of this MC were very ambiguous and non-commital to either gender. To my knowledge, you've always written as a male character. And that shows. You've got to submerse yourself into a fairly different mindset when you're writing as a female. I couldn't give you any advice on this, seeing as my MCs are generally guys, but give Suzanne a ring or join the Gender Bender usergroup. My advice to you now: stick to writing from a guy's pov.

Quote:
“Don’t stop now,” he said and pressed his lips together with mine.


Cliche. Don't go for the mutual-feelings-magical-first-kiss-perfect-moment bravado. They're both going to be embarrassed. They're both going to be a little awkward. And what's more, you've never given us any warning that Lillian likes Richard. It's really sudden.

Quote:
I woke up the next day to my alarm clock. Turning off the alarm, my hand brushed against something smooth and eerily cold. A knife. A butcher's knife. I didn't remember putting a knife on my nightstand.


As Alainna said, this is a poor transition. Things are happening way too quick. Gently lower us into the conflict of the scene. Use all your writerly finesse to hand us this gruesome and ominous description on a silver platter. Right now, you're just tossing it at us.

Quote:
It was the most romantic, lovely, exhilarating, and emotional—


Come on, you can do better than this. Don't give me adjectives, give me something I can relate to. Make it human. Give me some imagery. Give me some real feelings!

Quote:
There was almost none of it left


None of what? I know what you're talking about, but you still need to be more specific.

Quote:
“Like rape?” My mother seemed to favor that idea.


I laughed here.

Quote:
I can’t believe that you would throw away our Catholic teachings and go and—”


Too blunt. It's like this line was contrived for the sole purpose of letting the reader know that this family is catholic. Be more subtle about it. In fact, just keep it at "throw away everything you've learned at mass" or "everything you've learned at church". Purgatory is a very catholic concept and since the father mentions it a few lines down, we can infer then what their religious persuasion is without this line.

Quote:
“Go to your room. Now. Go and pray for forgiveness,” my mother cried, pointing her finger to my bedroom.


I laughed here too. Except for the wrong reasons. The image that immediately came to mind was an old hag wailing in the streets at all of the sinners and heathens passing her on the sidewalk. Cut this. Kill it.

Anyway, I'll be checking out the next installment soon! Keep up the good work.

-Kylan

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

He-hey there!

I love those dictionary starts! Don't ever stop them! Love!


Quote:
“Where you raped?”


It should be were.


Quote:
“Anne,” Dad said to Mom, “I think she did to herself. Unless someone has viciously attacked her—”

“Like rape?” My mother seemed to favor that idea.

“Well, yes, like rape, then she would tell us.”


Hmm. There's something in this paragraph that I don't really like. I think the parents could be more believable. They are, actually, but not in this part, for some reason. I suggest you make up a new way of saying all this.


Quote:
I sighed. “A Ouija board. I bought a ouija board.”


This confused me a little. Wasn't it Sam who had bought the board and given it to Richard?


All in all:
Yay! There'll be seven chapters! Wheee!
I think the characters are fine, and great that they have their own chapters so we can learn more about them. What more can I say? To the third part!
(Could you please PM me when you post the next part? Would you do that? I would be grateful!)


Demeter xxx

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh, very nice. Scary stuff is developing here.

'K, this one was much better than the first by way of characterization, but at the same time, it felt really rushed. Especially that kiss. It didn't really have much of a lead up (I figured that they were an "item", but from the way they were familiar in the first and before the kiss, I figured they had already progressed that far at least once) and so I was like "huh?". Especially, since they are kissing so soon after being freaked out and everyone is in a bad temper. Personally, I felt like it was just a plot device to show attraction. It didn't seem to have any real purpose.

Yeah, the parents felt really harsh. They were all concerned at first, then they are suddenly like "you're damned to hell!" when she tells them about the Ouija board. My parents would probably freak out too, but they'd leave off the lecturing and "sending me off to pray" deal until after I was all cleaned up and on painkiller drugs or something. Or they'd be calling a priest to exorcise me or something. These parents just seemed to be like "girl, you a dang fool" and sending her to bed without supper. It just felt a little flat and unrealistic in how they suddenly dismissed her like that.

But other than that, this was great! I want to read more! And, fortunately for me, there is a third one already posted! *whoot*

*thumbs up* You rock some serious socks, Jared, I tell you what.

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey. I'm not going to point out the grammar mistakes, because everyone else has already done that, so just double check all that.

Well, I didn't feel like this one was as well developed as the first one was. Where did the romance between Lillian and Richard come from? Why was Lillian so sure that it was a ghost that cut her back? There wasn't really any closure from the night before, so what was making her think that a ghost was trying to hurt her?

Instead of giving everything to the reader so quickly, give us some clues to work with. Make us figure it all out with the characters.

This is a great story-line, but I would really expand on this one.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Re: The Ouija Board Reply with quote

Hey Jared, Stella here. I read the Séance too, but I kind of wanted to go on with the story, so I didn't review. Gosh, ouija boards scare me. You hear such awful stories about them, and... *shudders* I've always wanted to try to see if they were true, but of course I'm far too terrified to.

Okay so.

I. NITPICKS

Quote:

he lowered himself to the ground again


They're inside, so it should be the floor, right?

Quote:
I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Sam as he left.


Okay, have you ever seen Doctor Who? Anyway, in one of the episodes (42) Martha kisses this guy Reilly, and his friend is just standing there going "This is fun..." So is that what Sam's doing at that moment?

Quote:
I didn't remember putting a knife on my nightstand.


Uh... I think she'd be a bit more shocked. I mean, even if she was drowsy, wouldn't the fact that there's a knife on your bedside cabinet wake you up?

Quote:

Right next to the shoulder strap of my bra was a long scratch. It had scabbed over.


She wears a bra to bed? Okay, I guess some people do...

Quote:
“I don’t know who did this to me…”


"I don't know what happened" might sound more natural.

Quote:
“Where you raped?”


"Were you raped?"

Quote:
“Lillian, the ouija board is a tool for the devil! It’s for satanic people! Lillian, I can’t believe that you would throw away our Catholic teachings and go and—”


Get rid of Catholic, it's too contrived.

Hm...

II. CHARACTERS

Lillian needs expansion. In the first part I got a good idea of Roger and Sam, but we actually know very little from the two PoVs you used, Lillian and Richard. They like each other and Lillian's a devout Catholic, but apart from that... you need to expand on the people from whose perspective you're writing. I'm guessing there'll be a piece from each of them, but you need to work on it.

III. OVERALL

You've got me hooked which is why this review is so short- I'm hurrying off to read the next one!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I'm here. I have to say, I liked this one a lot more than the first one. It was less... spiritualistic. I guess because they weren't actually playing it, it wasn't as bad.

Something I will say now, is that I think you should tell us who's narrating at the beginning of the piece, because it gets a little bit confusing. Like, in the first part I had no idea who Richard was when his name was a first mentioned, and this time I started thinking it was him instead of Lillian.

Quote:
I was too drowsy to put two and two together


This sentence confuses me a bit. I can't really think of anything obvious that she would see right away if she wasn't half-asleep.

Quote:
My mother seemed to favor that idea.


This line is sick and twisted, yet oddly funny and the same time.

Quote:
I bought a ouija board


Wasn't it Sam that brought the ouija board?

Quote:
“Dad, I’m sorry! I didn’t know!”


I find it difficult to believe that she didn't know it's a tool of the devil. I mean, if she was raised a Catholic, surely all this new-age stuff would be buried petty deep into her brain as a no-no?



Hmm.. there's wasn't a lot I had to say about that, because it was very well written. While I didn't enjoy the first part, this was much better, and I'm quite looking forward to reading the third part, which I'll do either later tonight of tomorrow afternoon.

Good job!

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