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The Big Brother Story For Which I Apologize In Advance
The Big Brother Story For Which I Apologize In Advance

by Nate in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 20, 2008
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(No title yet) Chapter 2
(No Title yet) Chapter 3

(No Title Yet) Chapter 1

Topic ID: 31920
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mateeah3   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:47 pm    Post subject: (No Title Yet) Chapter 1 Reply with quote

Woo! I finally post something new! I'm not sure if it is very good yet because I wrote it really fast, but feel free to rip it apart. Very Happy

Chapter One

Her body was shaking violently, like there was an earthquake inside of her. Her sharp sapphire eyes gazed up at me in pain and sadness, as she slowly let go of the last seconds of her short life.

I knew I could do nothing to help her. All that I could do was watch her beautiful, mascara streaked face quiver with sorrow, knowing she wouldn’t last much longer. I tried to break free of the arms holding me back; but they were just too strong. Looking at her face crushed me; the twelve years I’d known Anna would be all. Our plans of growing up together were slipping away as her fingers weakened and began to let go of the slick ladder.

Anna’s fingers gave out. She tried to get her other arm over to keep holding on, but she was too late. She started to plummet into the darkness, and I could hear a faint call,

“We’ll always be together!”

I shook my head violently to wash away the memory. Whenever I was reminded of the day, I hated it, and could never keep back the tears. I could not even think of something that was more horrible than seeing your best friend die. But what made it worse was that Anna was more than a best friend to me. She was my sister. The one person I told everything to, and the one who comforted me when I was going through hard times in my life. Anna would always be there for me, and I would always be there for her. Watching Anna fall was like watching every bit of happiness in my life plummet into darkness. Even though it happened two years ago, every other day the remembrance flashes through my head. Though I was lucky to be able to get through it, by the help of my other best friend, and Anna’s too, Patrick.

I stared up at my plain white ceiling, trying to keep the tears in. I knew if I kept thinking about Anna I would start crying, so I filled my head with happier thoughts.

Suddenly my little brother Hayden came dashing into my room,

“Lacey, will you take Dashil and me to the park?” he asked,

I sighed. “I don’t really feel like –”

“Please! Please, please, please!” He begged,

“Go by yourself.”

“You know we can’t! We can only go with you! Please Lacey. We have nothing else to do and we really, really, really want to.”

“Err. Fine.” I groaned.

“Thanks! Hurry and get ready.” He said, noticing I was still in my pajamas, “when you’re ready come downstairs.”

Hayden spun around, and I heard his feet thump down the stairs and tell Dashil the good news. I sighed, and got off my bed. Outside there was a layer of thick gray clouds in the sky, so I dressed in my rain boots and raincoat and headed downstairs.

Dashil and Hayden were already by the door, waiting for me. Seeing me, Dashil jumped to reach the doorknob and pushed the door open. We trudged through the mud on our way to the park.

Once we got there, I was not surprised to see no other kids there. It wasn’t a very nice day out. Hayden and Dashil cheered and waddled to the playground. I sat on a nearby bench and watched them play for a little bit. About a half hour later, they were ready to go and started to walk back. When I got up to follow, my cell phone fell out of my pocket and landed on the bench. As I bent down to pick it up, I noticed words carved into the wood that read bottom wasn’t death. My mouth fell open and my heart started pounding out of my chest as I recognized Anna’s handwriting.

Well, what do you think?!



Last edited by mateeah3 on Sun Jun 22, 2008 6:39 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was pretty good. I liked it.
I especially loved how you started the chapter. It caught my attention right away.

Quote:
Anna would always be there for me, and I would always be there for her.


I think that is what you meant.
Other than that, I didn't spot anything really.

Keep it up!
Paw

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wonderful job! *claps*

Other than what Paw already mentioned, nothing really caught my eye as being a typo or something.

I liked the flashback, and how you used that.
Great job!
-Buggs

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 3:19 am    Post subject: Re: (No Title Yet) Chapter 1 Reply with quote

Hey Mateeah3! I decided to backtrack and crit this one! Let's do it.
mateeah3 wrote:
Woo! I finally post something new! I'm not sure if it is very good yet because I wrote it really fast, but feel free to rip it apart. Very Happy


Chapter One

Her body was shaking violently, like there was an earthquake inside of her. Her sharp sapphire eyes gazed up at me in pain and sadness, as she slowly let go of the last seconds of her short life I don't really like the part where you say let go of the last seconds of her short life. It just didn't sound right to me. I like the "purple prose" but it doesn't really work here .

I knew I could do nothing. All that I could do was watch her beautiful, mascara streaked face quiver with sorrow Insert comma knowing she wouldn’t last much longer. Looking at her face crushed me; I knew the twelve years I’d known her would be all I would associate with her name I know what I wrote here isn't perfect or good sounding at all, but the sentence felt incomplete and a bit repetitive so I tried to fix it. Feel free to change it . Our plans of growing up together were slipping away as her fingers weakened and began to let go of the slick ladder. Just wondering, but instead of just staring at her friend in horror, shouldn't Lace be trying to help her? Just thinking because that would be the logical thing to do unless their was a barrier of some sort between them

Anna’s fingers gave out. She tried to get her other arm over to keep holding on, but she acted was too late. She started to plummet into the darkness, and I could hear a faint call,

“We’ll always be together!”


I shook my head violently to wash away the memory that always came back to me. Whenever I was reminded of that day did, I hated it, and could never keep back the tears. I could not even think of something that was more horrible than seeing your best friend die. But what made it worse was that Anna was more than a best friend to me. She was my sister. The one person I told everything to, and the one who comforted me when I was going through hard times in my life. Anna would always be there for me, and I would always be there for her. Watching Anna fall was like watching every bit of happiness in my life plummet into darkness fall. Even though it happened was two years ago that it happened, every other day the remembrance flashes through my head. Though I was lucky to be able to get through it, by the help of my other best friend, and Anna’s too, Patrick.

I stared up at my plain white ceiling, trying to keep the tears in. My attempt failed, and a tear started forming in my eye The single tear haha, it's kind of a joke that runs around these websites, but the emo tear of doom and sadness. When people cry, usually they cry more than one tear so I suggest saying that tears cascaded down her face or something . I wiped it away instantly and tryed to fill my head with happier thoughts.

Suddenly my little brother Hayden came dashing into my room,

“Lacey, will you take Dashil and me to the park?” he asked,

I sighed. “I don’t really feel like –”

“Please! Please, please, please!” He begged,

“Go by yourself.”

“You know we can’t! We can only go with you! Please Lacey. We have nothing else to do and we really, really, really want to.”

“Err. Fine.” I groaned.

“Thanks! Hurry and get ready.” He said, noticing I was still in my pajamas, “when you’re ready insert comma come downstairs.”

Hayden spun around, and I heard his feet thump down the stairs and tell Dashil the good news. I sighed, and lazily got off my bed. Outside there was a layer of thick gray clouds in the sky, so I dressed in my rain boots and raincoat and headed downstairs.

Dashil and Hayden were already by the door, waiting for me. Seeing me, Dashil jumped to reach the doorknob and pushed the door open. We trudged through the mud on our way to the park.

Once we got there, I was not surprised to see no other kids there. It wasn’t a very nice day out. Hayden and Dashil cheered and waddled to the playground. I sat on a nearby bench and watched them play for a little bit. About a half hour later, they were ready to go and started to walk back. When I got up to follow, my cell phone fell out of my pocket and landed on the bench. As I bent down to pick it up, I noticed words carved into the bench wood that read bottom wasn’t death. My mouth fell open and my heart started pounding out of my chest as I recognized Anna’s handwriting.




Well, what do you think?!


Okay, now that I've read the first chapter, things make a bit more sense. I liked how you started with a flashback. It was very descriptive and definitley reeled me in. Onto the more general comments:

Hmmm...Is that all?: Okay, although the flashback was done well, I wish you had given us more details. What type of bottomless pit is there in a suburban neighborhood? I know you mentioned in later chapters that she got away from the men, but what men? What happened? I had trouble picturing the entire scene because I had no idea where they were or what really happened. Did Lace try to help her, or was she being held captive by someone? Any is the memory causing her guilt because she wished she could have helped while she just stood by and watched her friend die?

Was and Is: Okay, flashbacks are hard to do because in order to distinguish the past from the now you have to make sure your verbs work. Whenever I do flashbacks, I write the flashbacks in the past and the rest of the story in the present. You tend to switch tenses a bit throughout the story, so just watch out for mistaken verbs.

The PM You sent me: In response to your PM after now reading the story, you should just ignore my comment on that part. I would have liked to see a bit more emotion and feeling but you did a very good job about portraying the way that she looked before she fell. Sorry Confused

Other than that, again I loved it! Keep up the good work! I can't wait for the next installment.

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